Mark Duplass Sounds Like the Ideal High-School Boyfriend

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Photo: Unique Nicole/Getty Images

Mark Duplass recently took a quick break from pulling quirky, heart-filled indie movies straight from his soul to pen a piece for the New York Times about his first romance. And if you like grown-up Mark Duplass, oh boy, you are going to love teenage Mark Duplass, who stepped out of the womb fully formed with a homemade casserole in one hand and a notebook full of love poetry in the other. So it begins:

“We met through friends and instantly fell in love … We were both romantic homebodies who were happy to give up our social lives for the chance to build our comfortable little snugglefest together.”

Why did you not meet Mark Duplass in high school? Why did most of your high-school “romances” involve watching other people play Xbox and do hits off a three-foot bong called “the destroyer”? Back to Mark:

“So we quickly settled into the routine of an old married couple. At 14. We receded from drinking beer on the levee with our friends (this was New Orleans, don’t judge) and soon spent our weekend nights watching movies and cooking dinner at one of our houses. We held hands comfortably like old lovers. We didn’t feel the need to fawn or kiss in public. We lived in this uncharacteristically deep, calm love that was well beyond our years.”

Unfortunately, things became more complicated. Why? Because Mark was too devoted.

“All I wanted in life was to play music and be with her, but she slowly developed a desire to socialize more and broaden her life beyond our little faux marriage.”

Thankfully, he’s learned his lesson now, and is focused on being a centered and balanced husband.

“I used to wish I could go back and talk to that kid. Teach him all the things I now know about maintaining a healthy relationship … how to validate, communicate, compromise, blah blah blah.” Yes: “After all, I have spent a lot of time learning to be a centered, balanced husband and father who can keep his life and the lives of his family on the rails.”

Teenage Mark is now ready to be canonized in a John Green novel.