See You in 4 Years, When I Awake From My Medically-Induced Coma

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Photo: Podtime

I’ve decided that the best thing for Democrats to do for the next four years is to stop caring about “identity politics” and focus on the needs of white men all around the country. From now on, as a woman who makes her living and pays taxes in the blue bubble of California, I will shut up and enter a medically-induced coma and only come out when liberal white men ask me to come out. I will develop a special, secret knock that these liberal men can use to wake me up inside my sleeping pod when they deem it safe for me to emerge and start ruining elections again.I hope that other women and minorities will do what I have done. Democrats can either care about income inequality or we can care about “women and minorities,” but we can’t do both. It’s impossible. Just try. Close your eyes right now and try to care about creating jobs, offering debt-free college, redistributing wealth, and protecting the rights of minorities and women. Do you see what I mean? It’s impossible. You either care about class or you care about civil rights. I am being fitted for my sleeping pod as we speak. And, because I am an elite, it’s entirely made from reclaimed wood and the tube that will pump food into my stomach will do so in the form of small tapas-style plates that are meant to be shared. Bon Iver will be playing nonstop, and I will be covered in organic cotton and sprinkled with chia seeds. My rescue dog will be hermetically sealed into my sleeping pod with me, and the whole thing will be plugged into an outlet like an electric self-driving car that also cuts off dicks. I will be allowed out of my sleeping pod if and only if I choose to have sex with a white liberal male. But the terms of this agreement include listening to him monologue about what went wrong in the election and allowing him to prove me wrong with various facts and figures and statistics. I will not be allowed to look any of those statistics up on my phone under any circumstance, although I will be allowed to disagree with him if I quickly concede the point and if I am squeezing my tits together into a pleasing butt-shape. Our sex will be quick and probably inside a sleeping bag on top of a mattress lying on the floor of the apartment his parents subsidize. Some women are too elite to have sex in a sleeping bag, because they like to be able to move around and use their elitist pillows to change positions, but I won’t complain. If the white male liberal does decide to engage in oral sex with me, it will be incredibly brief, because, as I mentioned before, the whole thing will be done inside a sleeping bag, and everyone knows that oral sex in a sleeping bag is like sticking your head inside an oven where a vagina is baking. It’s like lapping at a desert watering hole while suffocating to death from heat exhaustion. What if we took all the time that the liberal elitist cucks currently spend going down on women and use that time for something that does some actual good in this country? As a liberal elitist woman, I recognize that, for the good of the party, I need to stop “complaining” and “whining” and having “grievances” about women stuff. Not even anything specific, just anything relating to women. White guys don’t want to talk about how women get their butts touched anymore. We spent about five minutes talking about it, and that was five minutes wasted. Get over it, liberal elitist women. Wear thicker pants. Stay home. Just stop talking. We also need to realize that transgender stuff is kind of gross and thinking about transgender people going to the bathroom is even grosser, and most white guys don’t want to talk about it. Finally, talking about protecting the rights of minorities makes white guys feel like we are not talking enough about them — see above when I explained that we can’t care about more than one thing at a time — so it’s better if we all stop seeing ourselves as part of separate groups and start seeing ourselves however white guys want us to see ourselves. That would honestly just make it easier for everyone, and as I said before, is really the only way that Democrats will ever win another election again. The only way to come together as a party and defeat Trump is if we blame women and minorities for everything. This is the end of “identity politics,” by which we mean that this is the end of women and minorities being allowed to talk about issues that white men don’t care about. Look, my sleeping pod is almost ready to go. I promise. I’ve smoked a lot of legal weed, and I’m giggling and watching Saturday Night Live and listening to the Hamilton soundtrack and shoving birth control into my mouth like it’s an $11 bag of organic ginger candies, and I’m almost ready to disappear forever. I just have to wait for my pod to arrive from China, which means — based on the tracking number — I’ll get it a few days after Christmas.

*This article appears in the November 28, 2016, issue of New York Magazine.