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30 Rock

Obsessive Guide
We have ways of making people talk: by giving them fresh apple slices.
– KennethRead the Recap »
L:There's a chance [Tracy] may call tomorrow because it's his lizard's birthday. J:Has it really been a year since we were all at the Waldorf eating that cake made out of lizard meal? L:Yup. Jeremy's almost 11.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
– JackRead the Recap »
Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Congratulations. According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.
– JackRead the Recap »
There have been several deliveries to this address of Mr. Jordan's signature order: "Large cheese pizza with slice taken out so that I can pretend I'm eating Pac Man like my hero, Blinky the Ghost."
– KennethRead the Recap »
Me, my ass double, and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called Take My Hand.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Lemon, you look terrible, and I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold.
– JackRead the Recap »
Last night I had sex with Paula, and neither of us was wearing a Walkman.
– PeteRead the Recap »
Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?
– LizRead the Recap »
TGS with Tracy Jordan without Tracy Jordan is an oxymoron, like "liberal government" or "female scientist."
– JackRead the Recap »
Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society—by which I mean I got fired.
– PeteRead the Recap »
J:I'm going to hire Devon Banks. L:Banks? He's your nemesis! That would be like me hiring that mouse that keeps pooping in my slippers.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.
– LizRead the Recap »
Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show?
– JennaRead the Recap »
D'Fwan, glue in the business weave.
– AngieRead the Recap »
As you know, my single, "My Single Is Dropping," is dropping.
– AngieRead the Recap »
For your information, I am a Christian illiterate, so that's not an option.
– RandiRead the Recap »
Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong...if the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome. Standing ovation.
– PeteRead the Recap »
You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.
– JackRead the Recap »
Angie's changed her hairstyle since this photo was taken, and D'Fwan is a queer-fectionist.
– D'FwanRead the Recap »
I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.
– JackRead the Recap »
I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
– LizRead the Recap »
Female jealousy is an evolutionary fact, Lemon. If you try to breed it out of them, you wind up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.
– JackRead the Recap »
Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee-deep in boob.
– LutzRead the Recap »
When I first started working here, an eight-year-old Shirley Temple showed me how to roll a cigarette.
– KennethRead the Recap »
New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.
– JackRead the Recap »
I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.
– KennethRead the Recap »
F:We need to start a band. P:I think we just did.
– Frank and PeteRead the Recap »
I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway!
– JennaRead the Recap »
My fanny pack is in my office in my mini-fridge. I like my tampons to be cold.
– LizRead the Recap »
L:Do you have a neck pillow I could borrow? I blew mine up and now it smells like my mouth. J:I don't sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
Not only is your fly open, there's a pencil sticking out of it.
– JackRead the Recap »
K:The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing. T:Clear. K:Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break. T:I'll need a whale saddle. K:And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie. T:Kate Capshaw's husband?!
– Kenneth and TracyRead the Recap »
If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?
– LizRead the Recap »
Keep in mind, we Hornbergers are notorious cowards. On D-Day, my grandfather wore a German uniform under his American one—just in case.
– PeteRead the Recap »
Remember, everyone, just don't be yourselves.
– JackRead the Recap »
Michael Kors is a friend—we own a gay racehorse together—and I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable this winter.
– JackRead the Recap »
I am telling everyone here that there's no way I can be pregnant, because I have had my period for the last 61 days.
– LizRead the Recap »
Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
– JennaRead the Recap »
It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York. It's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
– LizRead the Recap »
L:You have two choices here. You can stay in your room like a child, or you can get out there and do your job. [Tracy stands up] L:Thank you. T:Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not going to rehearse. I'm going to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.
– Liz and TracyRead the Recap »
This morning, I stole a cab from a pregnant lady on crutches, and I am just waiting— [Ceiling falls in]
– LizRead the Recap »
There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vintage t-shirt shops and a banjo.
– FrankRead the Recap »
Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect, because "perfection" is my middle name: Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I can talk to animals! Well, not talk to them. I can take commands from them.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I'm as happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Someone get a PA to feed me baby food, or I will drop a D in the green room. Yeah. Last week you thought I was crying wolf, didn'tcha?
– JennaRead the Recap »
T:I have no reason to hug her except for my love of having boobs pressed against me. L:If I hugged you, I would angle it so you got no boob. T:And I would anticipate your angling and I would get there.
– Tracy and LizRead the Recap »
Luckily, I had the essentials in my carry-on: toiletries, closed-toe shoes, and the State Department-recommended mosquito head-net.
– LizRead the Recap »
I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards, and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the arena in a penis-shaped parachute.
– TracyRead the Recap »
See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding.
– LizRead the Recap »
J:We'll do this divorce the hard way, but I'm warning you, this isn't my first rodeo, Lemon. L:Well, I've been to a rodeo, too. It was a cat rodeo in a gay guy's apartment.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
P:While our children are basically snot silos with BB guns, they do come in handy, as a buffer. K:Is that like being a fluffer? Because I have done that and did not enjoy it. Blow-drying animals at a pet salon is hard work. P:No, a buffer is a protective barrier. K:Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat.
– Pete and KennethRead the Recap »
Thanks, Jack, for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm four hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cock fight last night.
– TracyRead the Recap »
L:That Angie thing was real cute, Jack. And some of your plan worked. Yes, she hated me, and yes, I mentioned slavery by mistake. J:I knew I could count on you.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.
– LizRead the Recap »
J:Well, if you're around, come by for dinner. Colleen will be up from Florida, and she'd love to see you. L:Because my youthgful energy makes her feel young? J:No, because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer. L:How are we supposed to conceal our spider veins?
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
I have been watching The Mentalist a lot lately because my TV's on CBS and I lost my remote. I think I've become a body language expert.
– LizRead the Recap »
I haven't seen [Jenna] so upset since Hurrican Katrina—the coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.
– LizRead the Recap »
Who hasn't made mistakes? I once french-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.
– LizRead the Recap »
Can I get you a cup of coffee or an absinthe enema?
– JennaRead the Recap »
You remember Donald, my son who's two years older than me.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Well, the theme restaurant business model does work. NASCAR's Fat Load Cafe is a goldmine.
– JackRead the Recap »
Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm.
– PaulRead the Recap »
Relationships are like sharks, Liz: if you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club, and you take that problem and crush it with your mind vice. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.
– JackRead the Recap »
Also, in the background, I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.
– KennethRead the Recap »
Everyone I ever dated in high school was either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.
– LizRead the Recap »
There's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth: listening is twice as important as talking. But he gave us ten fingers ... he must really want us to poke things!
– KennethRead the Recap »
T:I've poured more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut. J:You have a house in Connecticut? T:No, I do not.
– Tracy and JackRead the Recap »
K:Miss Lemon, I'm signing people up for the TGS softball team. So far I have eight "no"s and twenty-five "shove it up your goon hole"s. L:Shove it up your goon hole!
– Kenneth and LizRead the Recap »
Last night was a disaster—and not the good kind, where I get to sing at a benefit.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I once ate an entire witch, a pig was nothing!
– KennethRead the Recap »
Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's Apple.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Your boos are not scaring me! I know most of you are not ghosts!
– TracyRead the Recap »
Lemon, lesbian Frankenstein wants her shoes back.
– JackRead the Recap »
Why the trip down memory lame? High-fiving a million angels.
– LizRead the Recap »
I've been a GE man for 25 years, and a GE woman for one week of corporate espionage at Revlon.
– JackRead the Recap »
L:I always forget you used to be poor. J:Thank you.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
J:Lemon, that's the smartest thing you've ever said. L:Ah, what about three years ago when I said there should be more TV shows about cake?
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
Money can't buy happiness. It is happiness.
– JackRead the Recap »
Usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler, but today I feel like Hitler in Germany.
– LizRead the Recap »
Rollin' with my homey / Me and Jackie D / Bitches, get ready for a sex par-ty!
– PeteRead the Recap »
This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks: No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Sometimes a place is so special to you, it feels like it couldn't possibly continue after you're gone. After I left Kentucky Mountain Bible College, it still kept going. Until it got shut down. Because of the wolves.
– KennethRead the Recap »
Come on, Liz. This store is huge with all the young people—I mean, all the us.
– JennaRead the Recap »
[My jeans] are from Brooklyn Without Limits, this very cool store with locations in Gaytown, White Harlem, and the Van Beardswick section of Brooklyn.
– LizRead the Recap »
T:J Train, as you may know, I was in a film called Hard to Watch, and the "pundits" think I have a "chance" at an "Oscar," and I just learned about "air quotes." J:Yes, I talked about your movie with my therapist last week for twenty hours.
– Tracy and JennaRead the Recap »
Lying perfectly still reminds me of hiding under our porch during a hill people rampage.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear in case some Saudi guys show up.
– JennaRead the Recap »
L:So you're sabotaging him. J:Just like I did to my niece when she tried to sing at our family's Christmas party.
– Liz and JennaRead the Recap »
Good God. Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.
– JackRead the Recap »
So you're putting one more nut job—Yeah, I said it: one more. I'm political—in Washington so you can advance your career?
– LizRead the Recap »
L:Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits: crunchy on the outside, right wing nutjob on the inside. J:Like Ann Coulter's underwear.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
Sabotage? But I'm the one who does that to me!
– TracyRead the Recap »
Tom was a fellow from my town we accidentally buried alive. Funny story: after we dug him back up, he tried to kill all of us!
– KennethRead the Recap »
I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I had this made for the baby at Hermès. [Holds up a saddle] So that she can ride the maid!
– AveryRead the Recap »
D:Hey, Liz. It's your father, Dick Lemon. L:Dad, you don't have to say your name every time. D:Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you.
– Liz and DickRead the Recap »
T:That's how the world sees me, as some idiot millionaire. J:Who, Mark Cuban? That guy ran me over with a jetski.
– Tracy and JennaRead the Recap »
Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive. Haven't you ever read my throw pillow?
– JackRead the Recap »
What's wrong, Trey? Why are you sitting in your sadness spotlight?
– JackRead the Recap »
If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary will read "Oscar-winner" instead of "children's soccer heckler"!
– TracyRead the Recap »
I'm wearing a Duane Reade bag as underwear today.
– LizRead the Recap »
I've got the next big reality show. We put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals that the pilot is a six-year-old boy. We call it Child Hellfight.
– JackRead the Recap »
Making it through a full twenty-four hours without making a single misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who've ever done it? Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and—no judgment—Saddam Hussein.
– JackRead the Recap »
I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut.
– JackRead the Recap »
I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys and Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.
– TracyRead the Recap »
What's wrong, Lemon? When I see you chew your nails like that, it's either you're very anxious, or you handled some ham earlier.
– JackRead the Recap »
If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it.
– LizRead the Recap »
[Erectile dysfunction] does happen to men. I've faced it myself, with Greta Van Susteren, before her head transplant.
– JackRead the Recap »
K:I know food's plentiful around here, Miss Maroney, but back home at our pig farm, times are tough. We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and Poppy. J:Are those some of your pigs? K:[Long pause] Yes.
Read the Recap »
J:You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried? L:What? J:That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.
Read the Recap »
Okay, fine, maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. I'm sorry I'm a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.
– LizRead the Recap »
Kenneth, I know your intentions are good, but I don't like what this is doing to you. You seem meaner, and stronger...what if you got a motorcycle and we did it on it?
– JennaRead the Recap »
You're Liz Lemon, damn it. In certain lights, you're an 8! Using East Coast, over-35 standards, excluding Miami.
– JackRead the Recap »
Good God, I can see every line and pore in your face. It looks like a YMCA climbing wall.
– JackRead the Recap »
K:The Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them. J:Oh, so I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?
– Kenneth and JennaRead the Recap »
L:No, I told you, your lizard cannot be the musical guest. T:Of course not. His album doesn't drop until December.
– Liz and TracyRead the Recap »
T:I promise. I swear on my mother's grape. L:Okay...did you say 'grave' or 'grape'? T:Yes, goodbye!
– Tracy and LizRead the Recap »
T:Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh harder than I did at Dot Com's play. D:It was Angels in America, Trey.
– Tracy and Dot ComRead the Recap »
Erectile dysfunction: It's not just a dog problem anymore.
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
L:I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party dance all night. J:Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
J:In a post-apocalyptic world, how would society even use you? L:Traveling bard. J:Radiation canary.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
Will you ask Congress where they put the USA Network? I've been trying to find Monk for like three months.
– LizRead the Recap »
I need you to get me something called Vagitrax. It's...for dry knees.
– JennaRead the Recap »
When I was pageantizing, my mother told me there's only three things standing between you and winning: your breasts, and wanting it bad enough.
– JennaRead the Recap »
J:1:32 p.m. Mark the time, ladies and gentlemen, that Congress put a bullet in the head of the American farmer. R:The acclaimed director of When Harry Met Sally would never do that! J:As always, it's been a pleasure.
– Jack and Rob ReinerRead the Recap »
I'm going to have to reinvent you, break you down completely and build you up from scratch, just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.
– JennaRead the Recap »
The Chinese built the railroads! The Irish built—and then filled—the jails!
– JackRead the Recap »
J:What about Toofer. Is he any good? L:I don't know if he's mentioned this to you a hundred times, but he went to Harvard. J:So we know he's smart and superb at masturbation. [High five]
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
J:How's production going, Trey? T:Good, and there's a lot of buzz. Can you hear it too, or is my tinnitus acting up?
– Jack and TracyRead the Recap »
What was I supposed to do? This is a multi-billion dollar deal. There are thousands of jobs at stake, hundreds of second homes.
– JackRead the Recap »
We are an immigrant nation. The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things; the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas. The third generation snowboards and takes improv classes.
– JackRead the Recap »
You are [cute]. Like a pretty refugee on the news.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Fifty is the new forty for men. Fifty is still sixty for women.
– JackRead the Recap »
T:I've missed the birth of both of my sons, for very legitimate reasons. D:Cooking a french bread pizza, and forgot.
– Tracy and DotcomRead the Recap »
There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
– TracyRead the Recap »
Good morning. Now, full disclosure my specialty is putting babies in women.
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little-known County Steve, where historically we were whiskey testers in goblins. I was raised in Sadchester, Massachusetts. I won the Avery Blaine Handsomeness scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School, where I was voted Most. I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say "I need a vacation from this vacation." The song "You're So Vain" was in fact written...by me.
– JackRead the Recap »
Your new vibe is a double-edged sword. Much like the one Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial, cause that year someone had spread a rumor that she was gonna slip out of her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I'm sorry, sir, I was just sweeping your terrace and you came in and I was trapped. Just like the time I was cleaning my closet and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on the bed.
– KennethRead the Recap »
You want to make God laugh? Make a plan. Or read him a Dave Barry book.
– TracyRead the Recap »
J:Lemon, why are you spending so much money on wigs? L:Tracy's head size keeps changing.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
First, [Kenneth], I need you to go to the dry cleaners for me and find out how martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it.
– JackRead the Recap »
A line item budget! I love this. It takes people and turns them into amounts of money. Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show!
– JennaRead the Recap »
My heart is playing tricks on my eyes. Just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
– TracyRead the Recap »
Would you rather have to start every sentence you say for the rest of your life with Urkel's catchphrase, "Did I do that?," or be Siamese twins with Sharon Stone for a year?
– FrankRead the Recap »
L:I don't like my life stuff mixing with my dude stuff. J:A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff": Is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
No, it okay. Don't be cry!
– LizRead the Recap »
Do you understand how much free time I have now? Yesterday I went to the gym. and this morning, I made love to my wife...and she was still asleep so I didn't have to be gentle.
– PeteRead the Recap »
The writers can't take a car service at night anymore. I've crunched the numbers, and it's cheaper for us to just replace anyone who gets murdered.
– JennaRead the Recap »
T:Why don't you come back home to TGS and pick the peas out of my fried rice? And the rice. I just want carrots. K:I can't do that, sir. T:But don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
– Tracy and KennethRead the Recap »
[Resigning as a producer] As great as I am at this, I'm not really necessary. Hmmm, the last time I said that I was in a threeway with two of the Backstreet Boys.
– JennaRead the Recap »
You can't delude yourself with thoughts like, "What if I could somehow combine them into one perfect woman? Like a s'more you could take a shower with."
– JackRead the Recap »
Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I don't have to go to Los Angeles. Everyone there smiles creepily, all the time, and that's sort of my thing.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
– TracyRead the Recap »
What are you doing here? You said we were going someplace boring. This is an awesome copy shop!
– TracyRead the Recap »
Sexual time travel. Just like my Cinemax softcore, Emanuelle Goes To Dinosaur Land.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I think there's a lot about this world that we don't understand, like the afterlife or how bread becomes toast.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I lost a toe ring in him!
– JennaRead the Recap »
There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.
– LizRead the Recap »
T:Parties are like Frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry. L:What? T:Don't throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you...like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
– Tracy and LizRead the Recap »
You don't want to mess with that stuff, Liz. Ice has caused a lot of ODs in the porn community.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I yelled 'bababooey' at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.
– TracyRead the Recap »
L, look how drunk I am and how filled with cheese my mouth is.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Pete, can you tell a bald eagle at the zoo to stop scaring me.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.
– JackRead the Recap »
You always know you're at the right party when you feel like the Riddler might attack.
– AveryRead the Recap »
So much of my life was wasted creating hats!
– FrankRead the Recap »
[Don Geiss] built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe!
– JackRead the Recap »
It's like a black Barbie doll in Arizona: Nobody's buying it.
– TracyRead the Recap »
If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again.
– JennaRead the Recap »
J:Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk. L:Oh my God, the dentist's office! J:Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?
– Jenna and LizRead the Recap »
A:Who is No. 1 in your speed dial? J:BlackBerry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffett.
– Avery and JackRead the Recap »
Maybe someday we'll live in a world where you'll ask us to pretend to be scientists.
– GrizzRead the Recap »
L:If I die, my ghost is gonna haunt you! F:Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.
– Liz and FrankRead the Recap »
I'm sure [my mother] is down there sitting on the curb, chain smoking, waiting for me to come out, just like the day I was born.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Oh, I'd like to pre-apologize for clogging your tub, sink, and toilet.
– FrankRead the Recap »
What keeps people united on airplanes? The shared hatred of the CBS sitcoms they're forced to watch.
– JackRead the Recap »
You can be like Madonna who clings to youth with her Gollum arms.
– LizRead the Recap »
I will not calm down! Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.
– LizRead the Recap »
She's probably having beach sex, which is the third best sex after elevator and White House.
– JackRead the Recap »
We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here, and if you try to grab onto me we'll both drown.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why: It's because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Oh, I know him from the secret black people meetings. ...Nah, I'm just kidding, he's not invited.
– TracyRead the Recap »
What have children ever done for us?
– KennethRead the Recap »
Drama is like gay-man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself. I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I didn't get a bathroom door that looks like a wall by not being good at business.
– JackRead the Recap »
Paranoia!? Where?
– TracyRead the Recap »
It's going to be a disaster! Like Katrina! Do you remember Katrina, that crazy girl from hair and makeup?
– JennaRead the Recap »
F:Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy Pac-man was based off of, died. T:I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
– Frank and TracyRead the Recap »
Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween, or Princeton parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin...
– TracyRead the Recap »
A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber-pole factory!
– TracyRead the Recap »
[On strike.] What do we want? To get you sandwiches! When do we want it? Whenever would be convenient for you!
– KennethRead the Recap »
Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the 'Git 'er Done 2000.'
– JackRead the Recap »
I don't know, but I have the entire liberal-media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my dad a kidney.
– JackRead the Recap »
If I have learned anything from my Sims family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
– LizRead the Recap »
Science is my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.
– KennethRead the Recap »
[My pig] went crazy! She bit off my nutsack...that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.
– KennethRead the Recap »
Florida has a criminal population. It's basically America's Australia.
– JackRead the Recap »
My God, I already put the wedding announcement in Cigar Aficionado.
– JackRead the Recap »
My real name is Dick Whitman.
– KennethRead the Recap »
Allergies are psychosomatic. The only reason I'm allergic to dogs is because one bit me when I got my first period.
– LizRead the Recap »
Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one: It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I can't go back to teaching high-school math! Those girls act like they're not women yet, but they are.
– PeteRead the Recap »
Computer, when do I get some tang? Also, I'm thirsty.
– TracyRead the Recap »
What is this, Horseville? 'Cause I'm surrounded by naysayers! Wordplay!
– TracyRead the Recap »
J:You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on. L:Or thanked! ...on.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
You look just like I picture Mary Magdalene!
– KennethRead the Recap »
Are you pickling squirrel meat? Because I can lend you my skull presser.
– KennethRead the Recap »
You know what I like to do for eight hours? The TV Guide crossword.
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
J:Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system. F:My client has no memory of that. J:I also would have accepted, 'You can't prove that's the governor's semen.'
– Jack and FrankRead the Recap »
[To Liz] Doughnuts then bed? What are you depressed about or celebrating?
– PeteRead the Recap »
Obviously I care about her a lot, but she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion that sex and love are somehow connected.
– JackRead the Recap »
What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I may have sodomized our former vice-president while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [Sighs.] It feels good to say that out loud actually.
– JackRead the Recap »
You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident.
– JackRead the Recap »
I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome-to-the-building party for him, but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say, 'Oh it's the wrong night.' And then he'll laugh and say, 'One glass couldn't hurt,' and then I will put my mouth on his mouth.
– LizRead the Recap »
Only special tourists get to see Conan without his wig.
– JackRead the Recap »
S:Tracy, I don't know how to say this...deh-ay-bah-tees? T:Diabetes? S:That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.
– Dr. Spaceman and TracyRead the Recap »
Without the crew we'd just be two amazing people succeeding in a vacuum.
– JennaRead the Recap »
When is modern science going to find the cure for a woman's mouth?
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
They do that a lot in movies: An Affair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blaffair to Rememblack.
– TracyRead the Recap »
It's seven o'clock: Why don't I hear my mother yelling 'Go home!' to the Asian contestant on Jeopardy?
– JackRead the Recap »
L:We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General? J:I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
What's the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same French company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. [Mother] will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape.
– JackRead the Recap »
Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since my brother and I went to Neverland ranch.
– KennethRead the Recap »
T:Jenna, we're the most important people here, right? J:Well, of course, Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?
– Tracy and JennaRead the Recap »
K:Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called, they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk. L:I sure am. K:And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you. L:That's his opinion.
– Kenneth and LizRead the Recap »
Come on, you know we're the big dogs around here. Let's go throw a tantrum about the air-conditioning.
– JennaRead the Recap »
Why does anyone go to Miami? Ass and the burgeoning art scene.
– JackRead the Recap »
I wish I had my Princeton reunion right now. I'd wipe that smug smile right off Michelle Obama's face.
– JackRead the Recap »
J:Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings? K:Well, let's see. [Looks in his coffee can.] Eighty thousand dollars! J:If you don't include Confederate money? K: Four thousand dollars!
– Jack and KennethRead the Recap »
There's nothing to freak out about, that's just a Japanese sex doll in daddy's bed.
– TracyRead the Recap »
What would this country be if our economy didn't allow wealthy people to take advantage of rubes?
– KennethRead the Recap »
After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent. And the pig-shield around the house has worn thin.
– KennethRead the Recap »
If there is a law against friendship then lock me up. But if there isn't, then the show must go onward.
– KennethRead the Recap »
Honey, you moved into my building. You wore chokers because I wore chokers.
– Liz's college roommate, ClaireRead the Recap »
If I kill myself, it is all your fault.
– ClaireRead the Recap »
Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
– KennethRead the Recap »
I'll tell you who has it the hardest: white men. We make the unpopular, difficult decisions; we land on the moon and Normandy beach, and yet they resent us.
– JackRead the Recap »
[To Oprah] One time at summer camp I kissed a girl on a dare, but then she drowned.
– LizRead the Recap »
Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona?
– TracyRead the Recap »
We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Barry at the Oscars. White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, and heart disease.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Is this the way my life is supposed to play out? The kid who walked four miles every Saturday to caddy because mother said golf was a game for businessmen? Paid his way through Princeton by working the day shift at the graveyard and the night shift at that Days Inn?
– JackRead the Recap »
It's not at all erotic and fun like when men do it to women. Have you ever been sexually harassed?
– JackRead the Recap »
Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi.
– LizRead the Recap »
Suck it, monkeys, I'm going corporate.
– LizRead the Recap »
I got to do something important so my children will respect me, like be a senator or a wizard.
– TracyRead the Recap »
J:The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions. L:I'm so sorry. J:I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
Ms. Lemon, your eyes look like my uncle's after he drank from the air conditioner.
– KennethRead the Recap »
The founding fathers never expected the poor to live past their 40s.
– JackRead the Recap »
I love how [coffee] makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!
– KennethRead the Recap »
Mother, there are terrorist cells more nurturing than you are.
– JackRead the Recap »
Holidays without drinking are rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I thought she was, and I cannot play the guitar.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I don't think you wanna take advice from me on this. I ate a Three Musketeers bar for lunch and this bra is held together by tape.
– LizRead the Recap »
I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public. Especially Godzilla. I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to an animals-only strip club. Interested?
– TracyRead the Recap »
Tell her you want your privates and her privates to do high-fives.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Uncle Butch was right, I'm just a stupid country bumpkin with great skin and soft hands.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I get my hair cut every two days—after all, your hair is your head suit.
– JackRead the Recap »
Mr. Lutz, you ate all my parakeets medication. And thanks to you, Mr. Crocket has been having seizures all morning.
– KennethRead the Recap »
I love foxy boxing. It combines my two favorite things: boxing and referees.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.
– JackRead the Recap »
Never follow a hippie to a second location.
– JackRead the Recap »
J:Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman. L:A businesswoman. J:I don't think that's a word.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.
– TracyRead the Recap »
I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
– KennethRead the Recap »
J:I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by Friday. L:Well, what diet is going to do that? J:Oh, it's the Japanese porn star diet. I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want.
– Jenna and LizRead the Recap »
J:All of my summer replacement shows were big hits: America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island... L:MILF Island? J:Twenty-five super-hot moms, 50 eighth-grade boys, no rules. L:Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute? J:That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.
– Jack and LizRead the Recap »
I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
– JackRead the Recap »
Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
– JackRead the Recap »
I don't know who I am anymore! There's been a black man inside of me for a long time! Now there's a white guy up in here, too! It's like a audience for a Bobby McFerrin concert up in here!
– TracyRead the Recap »
Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the '60s.
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
T:So what's your religion, Liz Lemon? L:I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
– Tracy and LizRead the Recap »
I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait...what was the question?
– TracyRead the Recap »
Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. It's like Christmas. Or shooting people outside of Hot 97.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Did I come across as interesting? Because I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
– JennaRead the Recap »
I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
– JackRead the Recap »
J:Cerie said she would do it with you. K:Well that just makes me perspire.
– Josh and KennethRead the Recap »
If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it.
– LizRead the Recap »
J:Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View. P:Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.
– Jenna and PeteRead the Recap »
Say no more. If it's giving people meat, then I'm onboard. I've always said humans need more animal blood. It keeps their spine straight.
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
J:Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View. P:Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one. J:Yeah, I know!
– Jenna and PeteRead the Recap »
L:What's going on, business got ya down? J:Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
This is untoward! This is not toward!
– TracyRead the Recap »
L:Why are you wearing a tux? J:It's after six. What am I, a farmer?
– Liz and JackRead the Recap »
I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
– TracyRead the Recap »
There's not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it's erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments.
– Dr. SpacemanRead the Recap »
You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
– Dennis Read the Recap »
Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like overtipping and supporting Barack Obama.
– LizRead the Recap »
Here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.
– TracyRead the Recap »
Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.
– TracyRead the Recap »
L:That's it. I gotta talk to [Cerie] about her clothes, she can't dress like that. P:Well, yes, she can! People like the way she dresses! L:Oh, c'mon. It's distracting. It's inappropriate. P:You're inappropriate, you jerk, with your big stupid face.
– Liz and PeteRead the Recap »
L:Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand? K:Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.
– Liz and KennethRead the Recap »
You know how pissed off I was when Us Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack. I'm straight-up mentally ill!
– TracyRead the Recap »
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.
– TracyRead the Recap »