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Glee

Obsessive Guide
K:I feel like Eloise. B:I have pills for that.
– Kurt and BrittanyRead the Recap »
F:How do we know he's not gonna just get us to do something stupid so his alma mater wins? J:I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn.
– Finn and Jesse St. JamesRead the Recap »
[To Finn] You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.
Read the Recap »
[To Jesse] Maybe you can come on Fondue for Two and judge my cat?
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
W:I just want you to know, you can lean on me right now. S:Oh William, I wouldn't dare lean on you—so much grease in your hair I'd probably slide right off.
– Will and SueRead the Recap »
I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most. Right now, it's the dancing Asian.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] That's sweet. You remember the masculine click of my designer boots.
– JesseRead the Recap »
William, I'm devastated, positively horny with grief. As a going-away present, here's a spray bottle of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter; keep the head merkin looking buttery fresh.
– SueRead the Recap »
I would like to graduate high school knowing at least how to make some sort of pate.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship. It was a bum deal. For a first, maybe, but not for a fourth.
– Jesse St. JamesRead the Recap »
I'd like your feedback as to whether I was brilliant or simply outstanding.
– RachelRead the Recap »
[To Artie] You should be ashamed of yourself—you are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture.
– SueRead the Recap »
Dude, it's none of YB—Your Business.
– Jesse St. JamesRead the Recap »
They must have sensed I'm a lesbian. Do I smell like a golf course?
– SantanaRead the Recap »
As soon as we get to New York, I'm moving to a lesbian colony. Or Tribeca.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Just because I hate everybody doesn't mean they have to hate me too.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] Santana told me to never speak alone with you because you'd steal all of my gold.
– SamRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] Do you believe in that thing called karma? Can you explain it to me?
– FinnRead the Recap »
[To Will] You know what they say: Those who can't, teach. Turns out maybe you can. Think about that next time you prop your little butt chin on one of those face toilets.
– SueRead the Recap »
Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say I smell like copper. I can get a sunburn indoors at night. According to recent legend, I have no soul.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
S:Can we all just stop lying about how there aren't any things we would change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure Tina's looked into an eye de-slanting. T:That's extraordinarily racist. S:I'm just keepin' it real. T:I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing. M:Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hatin' Asian.
– Santana, Tina, and Mike ChangRead the Recap »
[To Finn] Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they're filled with custard. You could dust them with powdered sugar and serve them as some sort of dessert.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Look, maybe Rachel's fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing—I have awesome gaydar.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
[To Karofsky] You're a late in life gay ... Look, I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top either. Maybe in junior college.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
The only straight I am's a straight up bitch.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Oh, and also, I have razorblades hidden in my hair. Tons, just hidden all up in there.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
I'm handsome, I'm good-looking, and I'm easy on the eyes. Also, I'm gorgeous.
– Dustin GoolsbyRead the Recap »
What's that saying: The show's gotta go all over the place, or something?
– FinnRead the Recap »
R:Can you define what you mean by neglected? W:I mean someone whose brilliance isn't appreciated. R:Oh, so you mean like me.
– Rachel and WillRead the Recap »
I'm perfectly capable of accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.
– RachelRead the Recap »
[To Brittany and Santana] Well, well. If it isn't Tweedledum and Tweedle Fake Boobs.
– SueRead the Recap »
I have to say, I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for teens who are simply not ready for intimacy—or for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
K:Coach Sylvester, what are you doing here? S:Just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot.
– Kurt and SueRead the Recap »
I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show, and a fragrance. It'll be called "Zizes," and the slogan will be, "You just got Zized."
– LaurenRead the Recap »
I'm not interested in any labels, unless it's on something I shoplift.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
You get tensies for menses.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce it's my favorite part of the day.
– PuckRead the Recap »
I know hickies. I'm a freakin' connoisseur. I can make them into shapes, like balloon animals.
– PuckRead the Recap »
How am I supposed to write "Both Sides Now" if I can't even throw a party?
– RachelRead the Recap »
It tastes like pink!
– RachelRead the Recap »
Your face tastes awesome.
– RachelRead the Recap »
I told my mom and I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea out of panda hair
– Mike ChangRead the Recap »
Q:There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now. B:That is so racist.
– Quinn and BrittanyRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold.
– RachelRead the Recap »
William, I don't care how cute those children are, if I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey, I will start pulling catheters.
– SueRead the Recap »
W:What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere. S:No no no, no way. Doesn't matter how depressed I am, I will not date a curly. W:Don't worry, not a date, Sue. S:Still probably not gonna go.
– Will and SueRead the Recap »
Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
For a brief period, I was a tambourine player for Wilson Phillips.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] I have to go get my cross trainers. You want to know why? I am going to be doing some runs.
– MercedesRead the Recap »
I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer, and no one ever taught me to read a calendar.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
W:All right guys, I have one word for you. [Writes "Love" on the board] B:Is it love? I'm totally gonna graduate now.
– Will and BrittanyRead the Recap »
I've kissed Finn, and can I just say? Not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man-boobs.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
T:Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged in a twelve-step program! W:Wait, what? S:You're addicted to vests.
– Tina, Will, and SantanaRead the Recap »
The truth is Santana, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow, but the only job you're gonna have is working on a pole!
– SantanaRead the Recap »
[Of Artie] That's my man and his legs don't work!
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person. Now get out of my way please, afore's I ends you.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
I am from a part of town called Lima Heights Adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the Wrong. Side. Of the Tracks.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Ugh, I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
That's weird—Quinn's wearing her Queen Bitch smirk, and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. Holy sweet hell, they're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like—I do it all the time.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.
– KurtRead the Recap »
W:[Explaining football to Rachel] When they tackle you, it hurts. P:Yeah, and not in the good Mellencamp way.
– Will and PuckRead the Recap »
Q:I'm torn. B:I'm not. I'm Brittany.
– Quinn and BrittanyRead the Recap »
I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled...
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
S:Brittany, please remind me of how I singlehandedly put cheerleading on the map. B:In 1979 you directed a made for TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders called...The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
– Sue and BrittanyRead the Recap »
W:Do you trust me? B:You're not gonna try to kiss me again, are you?
– Will and Coach BeisteRead the Recap »
The roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
W:I thought you hated the holidays. S:No, I just hate you.
– Will and SueRead the Recap »
[Handing Will an electric shaver] I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia pet.
– SueRead the Recap »
Camouflage is the only thing that kept me from getting court marshalled after that My Lai misunderstanding.
– SueRead the Recap »
I can't believe six different people got Sue Shake Weights.
– WillRead the Recap »
[To Will] So what brings you here? Are you looking to teach at a place where pencils aren't used as weapons?
– KurtRead the Recap »
Remember when I told you I was bringing all those science books to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.
– SueRead the Recap »
Becky, go into the glove box of my car and get me tear gas. Then get me Gloria Allred.
– SueRead the Recap »
Early's late if you make tomorrow yesterday.
– Coach BeisteRead the Recap »
I prayed to God and told him if I ever got out, I'd start being nicer. Then I changed it to just Jews.
– PuckRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you talk.
– QuinnRead the Recap »
[To Finn and Rachel] Why don't you sing about it? Aren't there some songs about betrayal? I'm pretty sure there are some Eagles songs ...
– EmmaRead the Recap »
R:Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral? K:No ... R:I do.
– Rachel and KurtRead the Recap »
Mr. Schue, we heard the news about Emma getting married to the finest dentist alive.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
If we lose, we should throw possums.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
I'm thinking a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn.
– KurtRead the Recap »
... which is why I prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] You're so on my list, dwarf.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
S:I'm dating Puckerman. Q:No, you're getting naked with Puckerman.
– Santana and QuinnRead the Recap »
I miss my office, this room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.
– SueRead the Recap »
W:When I'm sick, there's only one thing that makes me feel better... A:Gin and juuuuuuice!
– Will and Little ArtieRead the Recap »
H:Hi, I'm Holly Holliday. T:Are you a porn star or a drag queen?
– Terri and HollyRead the Recap »
You annoy me William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub poison sumac on them.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Will] I suggest you sell yourself on Craigslist under the heading of "Men Seeking Men With Butt Chins."
– SueRead the Recap »
Do you know what this is? It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummi bears used to live.
– SueRead the Recap »
You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I have a bruise on my right buttock from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs.
– RachelRead the Recap »
I gotta be honest, Will, a lot of it's the hair thing. I'm tempted right now to sell your scalp on the black market as the tiniest of shearling coats for only the most fashionable of babies.
– SueRead the Recap »
S:You should be our nation's president. P:Maybe.
– Santana and PuckRead the Recap »
[To Will] To my right, you will see a confetti cannon. To my left, another. Do you know what that means, Will? We got Beiste fired. And my budget is restored. Bwahahahahahha!
– SueRead the Recap »
I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. Want me to sign it into your palm?
– SueRead the Recap »
W:Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bath water here. B:I've totally done that.
– Will and BrittanyRead the Recap »
There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meal options up in that place.
– PuckRead the Recap »
You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.
– Coach BeisteRead the Recap »
You really can't put a dollar amount on the combination of talent plus fear.
– PuckRead the Recap »
Dude, I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo.
– PuckRead the Recap »
K:What are you going as for Halloween? B:A peanut allergy.
– Kurt and BrittanyRead the Recap »
Halloween is fast approaching: the day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls and little girls to dress like whores.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Rachel] I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.
– MercedesRead the Recap »
Earlier today Artie asked if he could make an omelette with the enormous ostrich eggs I was smuggling in my bra.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Ain't no carbo in sexy.
– SamRead the Recap »
I shoulda known: People who dress like librarians? All sex addicts.
– SueRead the Recap »
Are you ready for a chilling statistic? 70% of all the teeth in this school are wooden.
– SueRead the Recap »
W:What's a duet? B:A blanket.
– Will and BrittanyRead the Recap »
[To Brittany] I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you. I'm making out with you because Puck's been in the slammer for 24 hours and I'm like a lizard: if I don't have something warm beneath me I can't digest my food.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
How can you do a duet with yourself? That's like, vocal masturbation, or something.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Oh wow. He has no game.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
K:No straight boy has hair like Linda Evangelista circa 1993. M:You're crazy circa 2010.
– Kurt and MercedesRead the Recap »
Just so you know, I have custom bibs for me and Mercedes. You know why? Cause we's—be's goin'—to Breadstix.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
So. Freakin'. Charming.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Until you find someone as open and brave as you, you're going to have to get used to going it alone.
– Mr. HummelRead the Recap »
Look, I don't mean to be a bitch—well, actually, I do.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
I'm not the most religious guy—I sort of worship Clapton and Ochocinco.
– FinnRead the Recap »
P:Oh my God, he's coming out. F:Well yes there is a man who's come into my life recently. And that man is Jesus Christ. P:That's way worse.
– Puck and FinnRead the Recap »
Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
K:You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it? B:God's an evil dwarf?
– Kurt and BrittanyRead the Recap »
F:Children should be allowed to profess whatever faith they choose. S:At the BET Awards, but not at school.
– Principal Figgins and SueRead the Recap »
This country is not a monarchy, William. Trust me, I've tried.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Kurt] I'm sorry for what you're goin' through, lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I guess I don't have to: I think Mary Lou Retton's like, an orphan or something.
– SueRead the Recap »
I know sometimes I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it; it aids digestion.
– SueRead the Recap »
[To Emma] I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergic to your lustrous ginger mane.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
B:I don't want to do Britney. K:Why no Britney, Brittany? B:Because my name is also Britney Spears. My middle name is Susan. My last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce—Britney Spears. I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears's shadow and I'll never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want glee club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
– Brittany and KurtRead the Recap »
The other day he made me buy the green grapes and the red grapes at the market, and then we just mixed them in the bowl and just ate them. It was madness, sheer madness!
– EmmaRead the Recap »
[To Emma] Oh I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine! Adorable!
– CarlRead the Recap »
W:Kids can't sing without teeth, right? C:No. They wouldn't be singing, they'd be gumming! Ma ma ma ma!
– Will and CarlRead the Recap »
I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
Please don't pull all my teeth. When I smile, I'll look like an adult baby but with boobs.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
C:I'm gonna put you on anaesthesia. You won't feel a thing. B:Like roofies? C:Yeah totally.
– Carl and BrittanyRead the Recap »
S:[To Rachel] Hey, dwarf. Anyone ever tell you you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch a Predator? B:Also, I'm more talented than you.
– Santana and BrittanyRead the Recap »
I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in glee club. When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney fantasy. I sing and dance better than her. It made me realize what a powerful woman I truly am. I'm more talented than all of you; I see that clearly now. It's Brittany. Bitch.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.
– RachelRead the Recap »
It's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that Grease catsuit.
– RachelRead the Recap »
Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally you dress like the fantasy of a Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay!
– SantanaRead the Recap »
Every day, Tina and Mike's Asian fusion grows stronger.
– ArtieRead the Recap »
Let's face it, Finn. The only way this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.
– RachelRead the Recap »
[To Will] Oh wow, you're all dressed up. You look like a cast member of Kids Incorporated.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
Not sure if you heard William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot
– SueRead the Recap »
W:Sue, you pulled the alarm. Everything was going fine. S:You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming, "Sex party!" into the microphones of all three major networks. W:Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened.
– Will and SueRead the Recap »
I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, Will—you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom.
– SueRead the Recap »
U.S. History. Crap, I forgot I was taking that.
– FinnRead the Recap »
F:Rachel’s what you’d call a controllist. R:I’m controlling. Controllist isn’t a word.
– Finn and RachelRead the Recap »
J:How do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your glee club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen’s iPod? W:Well I try to do something for everybody—25% show tunes, 25% hip hop, 25% classic rock.... J:100% gay.
– Jacob and WillRead the Recap »
People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
My eyes are up here, Jew-fro.
– SantanaRead the Recap »
I like being friends with you Will. It's fun! You make trying to destroy glee club so easy. Know why? Cause you're doin' such a bang-up job of it yourself!
– SueRead the Recap »
B:You’re all coffee and no omelette. S:That doesn’t make any sense.
– Coach Beiste and SueRead the Recap »
That’s a steer with six teats and no oinks!
– Coach BeisteRead the Recap »
P:Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there? S:I don’t know. I’ve never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?
– Puck and SamRead the Recap »
M:So is that a...men’s sweater? K:Fashion has no gender.
– Mercedes and KurtRead the Recap »
Tina, Mike, what if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to glee club will be even more insignificant than they are now.
– RachelRead the Recap »
Kiss my ass, Josh Groban. I’m an internationally ranked cheerleading coach.
– SueRead the Recap »
Brunettes have no place in show business.
– Olivia Newton-JohnRead the Recap »
To be honest, Will, I’m having a really difficult time hearing anything you say today, because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist, animated Disney characters to pop up and sing songs about living on the bayou.
– SueRead the Recap »
That young terrorist went on to be the first gay president of the United States: Abraham Lincoln.
– SueRead the Recap »
True love always springs from true hate.
– SueRead the Recap »
I thought Jews were supposed to be smart?
– TerriRead the Recap »
Revenge. Fear. The merciless affliction of pain. These are my kingdoms.
– PuckRead the Recap »
Barbra? I could do it in my sleep.
– RachelRead the Recap »
I thought the boys’ Kiss number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.
– KurtRead the Recap »
What’s up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?
– PuckRead the Recap »
I’m proud to be different. It’s the best thing about me.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and shot it.
– ArtieRead the Recap »
What’s the matter, Schuester? Cat got your talent?
– BryanRead the Recap »
Honestly, the only students that come and see me on a scheduled weekly basis are ones that have been diagnosed with certain psychological disorders, like a certain junior female that eats her own hair.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
We need to do a real investigation. Like CSI real.
– JesseRead the Recap »
Our home-ec program teaches practical skills, like food-service preparation. You can’t feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you can for a while, but they’d be dead in a month.
– BryanRead the Recap »
Now I’m such a steaming mug of hot chocolate that one of the studliest guys in school wants to use me to harvest some mojo.
– MercedesRead the Recap »
So you like show tunes: Doesn’t mean you’re gay, it just means you’re awful.
– SueRead the Recap »
I’m a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.
– PuckRead the Recap »
We’re as menacing as Muppet Babies.
– KurtRead the Recap »
Why does everyone assume I’m angry all the time? It’s called being sassy, Mr. Schue.
– MercedesRead the Recap »
Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people will stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.
– ArtieRead the Recap »
I’m a delinquent, sure. I like setting things on fire and beating up people I don’t know. I own that. But I’m not a liar.
– PuckRead the Recap »
On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air.
– SueRead the Recap »
What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son you’ve always wanted.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I finally realized my lifelong ambition of being a mistress to an incredibly wealthy strip-mall tycoon.
– AprilRead the Recap »
Mr. Schue, is [Jesse] your son?
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
My growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality.
– TinaRead the Recap »
I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna, which is why I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
Mercedes is black, I’m gay. We make culture.
– KurtRead the Recap »
No chick intimidates Puckzilla.
– PuckRead the Recap »
When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
It’s like Madonna once said: I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. I’m pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester.
– SueRead the Recap »
[Sniffs] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
– SueRead the Recap »
I’m engorged with venom and triumph.
– SueRead the Recap »
Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless. It’s good to give back.
– JesseRead the Recap »
I’m getting out of Ohio soon. I’ve got a full ride to a little school called the University of California, Los Angeles. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s in Los Angeles.
– JesseRead the Recap »
I’m gonna bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with, 'cause right now you’ve got enough product in your hair to season a wok.
– SueRead the Recap »
W:Now that you're back, let's bury the hatchet. S:I won't be burying any hatchets, William, unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin.
– Will and SueRead the Recap »
Those spotlights in the auditorium don’t run on dreams. Our electricity consumption is up two percent.
– Principal FigginsRead the Recap »
Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You’re about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination? Horror.
– SueRead the Recap »
Bring it on, William. I am reasonably confident that you’ll be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at. Right next to being married, running a high-school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian.
– SueRead the Recap »
We’ve got a problem. They’re doing all of our numbers, the kids are completely freaking out, Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall, and I’m pretty sure Jacob Ben Israel just wet himself.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
What happened to the white guy with the jheri curl?
– EveRead the Recap »
Perhaps I could improvise some of my Def Poetry Jams.
– ArtieRead the Recap »
Does this have to happen tonight? I have my fight club.
– PuckRead the Recap »
I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement.
– KurtRead the Recap »
Sometimes people have to deal with a little adversity. I learned that at glee club.
– QuinnRead the Recap »
There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the dumpster outside your apartment.
– SueRead the Recap »
All I want is one day a year where I’m not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off. So here’s the dream: Friday after Christmas, which I have off, if you’re hideous, stay at home.
– SueRead the Recap »
Ken has a lot of flaws. He has 74 flaws as of yesterday. But you know what? He’s not vindictive.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
This year I told them to yank out the tear ducts. Wasn’t using them.
– SueRead the Recap »
I’m going to say this as nice as possible, but you look like a sad-clown hooker.
– FinnRead the Recap »
So hairography works best when you pretend like you’re getting tasered. Just move your head around like you’re spazzing and stuff.
– BrittanyRead the Recap »
I admit, I like a challenge as much as the next guy. But Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
– KurtRead the Recap »
If you can’t take Mohammad to the mountain, then you got to get Mohammad to bring the mountain down to his house. Mohammad’s house...or wherever he’s staying.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
Let me tell a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson No. 1: You and Schue won’t work.
– SuzyRead the Recap »
I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I could totally sing this with Finn. But screw him if he thinks he’s taking the Diana Ross part.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I want to be very clear: I still have the use of my penis.
– ArtieRead the Recap »
As soon as a cheerleader rolls herself out onto the field in a wheelchair, she becomes decidedly less effective at cheering people up.
– SueRead the Recap »
I’m really nervous about the diva-off tomorrow.
– RachelRead the Recap »
Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? What we need is my chocolate thunder.
– MercedesRead the Recap »
I don’t think one decision makes your life. Unless you invent some zombie virus or something.
– FinnRead the Recap »
How may I help you, kids? Too many friends on MySpace?
– EmmaRead the Recap »
When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream. It was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.
– PuckRead the Recap »
When my Mom applied to college, she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity. And she got into Arizona State.
– QuinnRead the Recap »
The slushie war has commenced.
– KurtRead the Recap »
You’re all minorities. ‘Cause you’re in glee club.
– WillRead the Recap »
Fellow Glee clubbers, it would be an honor to show you how a real storm-out is done. I encourage you to follow my lead.
– RachelRead the Recap »
It’s sad enough that my Sue’s Kids are living in squalor and probably on food stamps, but for you to drag them in here and bore them to death? I won’t stand for it.
– SueRead the Recap »
I came up with the best baby name of all time: Drizzle.
– FinnRead the Recap »
I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.
– SueRead the Recap »
Glee is supposed to be about what’s inside your heart, not what’s coursing through your veins.
– WillRead the Recap »
Do yourself a favor, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh sure, he’s dumb like sand and his fondue pot of nationalities is going to open up your kids to a host of genetic diseases. But he’s kind. And he’s generous. And he’s available.
– TerriRead the Recap »
I can’t get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a Swimfan kind of way, but she can really sing, and her body is smoking—if you’re not really into boobs.
– FinnRead the Recap »
I never wanted kids. Don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.
– SueRead the Recap »
Glee club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sort of sexually ambiguous horror-movie villain.
– SueRead the Recap »
Sober? I’m rolling on a fistful of horse tranquillizers. I can’t feel my lips.
– AprilRead the Recap »
Do you have any NyQuil? I need a little pick-me-up.
– AprilRead the Recap »
A few years ago, I started an online flirtation with a high-school flame, Andy. Things got weird and I called it off. And two months later...Versace was dead. Dead.
– EmmaRead the Recap »
Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over-the-shoulder boulder holder.
– JacobRead the Recap »
Being a part of the glee club and football has really showed that I can be anything. And what I am is…I’m gay.
– KurtRead the Recap »
I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day. But it was a mistake. You’re a Lima loser and you’ll always be a Lima loser.
– QuinnRead the Recap »
My body is like a rum-chocolate soufflé: If I don’t warm it up right, it doesn’t rise.
– KurtRead the Recap »
The proof was in the sexual pudding. My above-ground-pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music.
– PuckRead the Recap »
Stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in glee club. That means we are at the bottom of the social heap. Special-ed kids will get more play than we will.
– KurtRead the Recap »
Ladies, I learned a lot in Special Forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd, then went after the sheep. We need to go after these glee clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine.
– SueRead the Recap »
Two weeks ago, I would’ve agreed that four men rehearsing a capella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing. But busting out some white-hot New Jack Swing—I’ll tell ya, I’ve never felt more confident.
– WillRead the Recap »
Let me be the one to break the silence. That was one of the most offensive things I’ve ever seen, and that includes an elementary-school production of Hair.
– SueRead the Recap »
People think you’re gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.
– QuinnRead the Recap »
I’m not sure there’s anyone that wants to swim over to your island of misfit toys.
– SueRead the Recap »
I’m still on the fence about the celibacy club. I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray’s pants
– FinnRead the Recap »
One day you will all work for me.
– KurtRead the Recap »
There’s nothing ironic about show choir.
– Rachel
I used to think this was like the lamest thing on earth. And maybe it is. But we’re all here for the same reason: 'cause we want to be good at something.
– Finn
Chicks don’t have prostates. I looked it up.
– Puck
Metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor, for me, being a star.
– Rachel
Think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That’s hard.
– Sue