Vulture

Skip to content, or skip to search.

Gossip Girl

Obsessive Guide
It's only been two years since we left here, and it feels like twenty.
– DanRead the Recap »
Wait, just tell me that no one's trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer, or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.
– EricRead the Recap »
I:You got hot. E:I'm still gay. K:That means you can dance!
– Izzy, Eric, and KatiRead the Recap »
[To Dan] Oh, I can tell you're up to something. Please, let me in on it. I haven't been this bored since I believed in Jesus.
– GeorginaRead the Recap »
He needed a hot wife to impress his partners and I wanted a loft and a legacy at Yale for Milo. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get drunk enough to make you all seem interesting.
– GeorginaRead the Recap »
Why did you lead me on for weeks only to tell me you didn’t like me. Is that something you learned from Serena?
– CharlieRead the Recap »
I used to want to be like you, but now I want to be like Blair. At least she’s going to be a princess.
– CharlieRead the Recap »
I'd say I'm great—I mean, look at my hair, my body, my clothes? But I've become a Bedford wife, and it's really just the worst thing.
– GeorginaRead the Recap »
[To Vanessa] When are you going to realize that I had a better life until you climbed up my fire escape four years ago?
– DanRead the Recap »
Welcome to our tasteful and appropriate home.
– EleanorRead the Recap »
B:I just wanted to warn you so you could prepare for whatever Jack is planning. C:How could I ever prepare for what you're planning?
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
I want to see all the parts of you, even the ones you are ashamed of.
– LouisRead the Recap »
Unless we're close to resolving this, I'm going to order room service, okay? … I can't choose an entree with Hallmark Hall of Fame playing in the background. I'm calling the cops.
– JackRead the Recap »
[To Blair] You're returning to your alma mater as a princess bride to be!
– CyrusRead the Recap »
You look like you just got a trust fund.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Well, if you'll excuse me, there's a tart in my room that I'd rather attend to.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Chuck] It's four o'clock, it's smoking-jacket hour. Why are you still in your robes?
– NateRead the Recap »
L:[My secret] may be too much. B:Too much is just the right amount. Is it something I need a bikini for?
– Louis and BlairRead the Recap »
I'm sure his parents have their hearts set on an empire-expanding union with a hapless Habsburg.
– BlairRead the Recap »
We should send out change-of-address cards because I’m moving to cloud nine.
– BlairRead the Recap »
C:I'm sorry, I'm still new at this. How is this better than just asking them? S:Well, because if Vanessa is lying and it isn't true, then I'm a horrible friend for believing her. But if it is true, then they're horrible friends for not telling me.
– Charlie and SerenaRead the Recap »
Oh, that doesn't mean anything. They went to Cornwall to find Juliet because she drugged me and tried to convince everyone I was crazy.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
No one can see me here, and even though you fall under that moniker I still need you to go.
– BlairRead the Recap »
The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on 'Page Six.'
– EricRead the Recap »
L:My parents do not approve. You are a commoner. B:Well have they seen Princess Stephanie's husbands? I'm not a circus performer.
– Louis and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Dan and I have a real connection. We did things like visit the Dia and debate Cahbrol versus Romer. Things that we could never do with you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
There's not a woman in this room who didn’t take some pleasure in your downfall, myself included. You may want to adjust your dress. Your monitor is showing.
– Anne ArchibaldRead the Recap »
Vanessa, I know we've been friends since we were little and we both like pierogis, and my dad really misses you, but just to be clear, so there's no misunderstanding down the road, we are not friends anymore.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
B:They moved the party. D:Who moves a party?
– Blair and DanRead the Recap »
D:I thought hearing that somebody's life is worse than yours would help. B:Well, your job isn't to think, it's to serve. When I need your help, I'll ring the bell.
– Dorota and BlairRead the Recap »
She's pulling a Camille. But why?
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Carmela on Sopranos didn't get big break till she was 40!
– DorotaRead the Recap »
B:I kissed someone and it was a life-changing experience. E:Do tell. B:I just did.
– Blair and EpperlyRead the Recap »
So, you and your brother didn't both end up going to a mental institution, your dad didn't give your mom fake cancer, and your mom didn't send an innocent man to prison just to get you back into private school?
– CharlieRead the Recap »
Oh darling you look lovely in your mug shot. It was smart of you to turn yourself in, so you could make sure your hair was done.
– CeceRead the Recap »
Be careful walking down the primrose path. You may find hell instead of happily ever after.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
You don't come to me with any complaints about anything. You too happy. Content. I'm worried you join cult.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
We're an us?
– NateRead the Recap »
I'm the only one who can joke about the hotel. It's still too soon.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Did you come all the way to Brooklyn to yell at me? Because that's not necessary.
– DanRead the Recap »
R:You're smarter than you look, Archibald. N:I get that a lot.
– Raina and NateRead the Recap »
D:I've been walking around the city all night with one paralyzing thought. B:Why am I walking around the city all night when I live in Brooklyn?
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
S: Blair, what were you thinking? B:That I would arrive at this party and be greeted appropriately? D:I know you only admitted you needed me so you could make me your drug mule. B:That Stickie was for Penelope. Frankly, with her attitude, she could use some time behind bars. D:So that's it? There's no, "I'm sorry I could have gotten you arrested"? B:Well, you're here. The party is lovely. Everything obviously turned out fine.
– Serena, Blair, and DanRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Since when do you like Scrabble?
– DanRead the Recap »
Great leaders only need three hours of sleep!
– BlairRead the Recap »
[Of Blair] She has no time to care.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
Penelope, I see on Gossip Girl that you are between 36th and 48th Streets. That is a tasteful-gift-free zone. Get back in the cab.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I hate professional gift wrapping.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
I lost my job, I failed a test, I almost got my best friend's mother arrested. And I'm in Brooklyn talking about it.
– BlairRead the Recap »
What do you mean you don't know the price of the Prada clutch. You are Prada. Get me, Miuccia?
– BlairRead the Recap »
Thank you for saving me from a Valentine's Day even more depressing than the movie I was going to watch about it.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
I know how to tap a vein.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
[To Dan] Isn't there a bat mitzvah girl somewhere out there that's waiting for a Shirley Temple?
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Serena] It's okay to date below the line. Madonna and Julia Roberts paved the way for girls like you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Wall Street didn't need a sequel, in theaters, or in my life.
– The CaptainRead the Recap »
One lonely Bass adrift at sea.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
Oh, come on, you know you can trust me with anything. I mean, the amount of crazy crap people tell me and expect me to keep to myself?
– EricRead the Recap »
C:We're stuck in this meaningless, mind-blowing sex loop. N:Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
– Chuck and NateRead the Recap »
[To Chuck] You and I bonded over a mutual love of scheming...and burlesque.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:You'd better not be selfish. A woman remembers. N:I wasn't that selfish, was I?
– Blair and NateRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Bad boys have never been your thing, but damaged outsiders are a definite weakness.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Everyone else had neighbors and potlucks. I had concierges and room service.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
How could you just let some toff punt off with her?
– BlairRead the Recap »
Do not knock The Sound of Music. It's got nuns and Nazis. And Julie Andrews is hot.
– NateRead the Recap »
R:As long as we keep it clean for business, I'm happy to keep it... C:Dirty between the sheets.
– Raina and ChuckRead the Recap »
A lot of mascara for a friend.
– BlairRead the Recap »
You realize most offices aren't open this early. Unless...you're interning at a doughnut shop?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
[To Dan] Fashion is the most powerful art there is. It's movement, design and architecture all in one. It shows the world who we are and who we'd like to be. Just like your scarf shows the world you'd like to be a used car salesman.
– BlairRead the Recap »
E:This is real life, not some Hollywood chick flick where a girl with a scrunchie gets a makeover and triumphs in the end. B:I have never owned a scrunchie. E:I think I read that in your résumé.
– Epperley and BlairRead the Recap »
D:Give it up, Blair. I'm actually good at this, and unlike all the other interns, I actually know you. Your stupid tricks won't work. B:Oh look, there's Georgina's baby!
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
D:You do realize that I know Jeremiah Harris personally, right? B:You do realize that I know everybody personally, right?
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Serena] I'm not going to treat [Dan] better than any of my other enemies just because you sporadically love him.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Rufus! You must have a plot at a community garden, right?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
I didn't date Serena van der Woodsen for two years to not come away knowing that those are Marc Jacobs, and they're mustard.
– DanRead the Recap »
[To Blair] Earn the spotlight on your own merits. You'll feel better.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
S:I had to pull an Erin Brockovich and go down to the Litchfield County Courthouse and try to get a copy of the case. And here's the irony... B:Court records are public, so you wore a push-up bra for no reason?
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
N:Hey man, how was New Zealand? C:I have to say, it was an extraordinary bust.
– Nate and ChuckRead the Recap »
Here's my advice: Have a little faith, and if that doesn't work, have a lot of mimosas.
– BlairRead the Recap »
E:Why not work with me at Eleanor Waldorf designs. You love fashion! B:I also love a good pot au feu, but that doesn't mean I want to build a career around it.
– Eleanor and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Well, you want to go somewhere and talk? Or not talk?
– DanRead the Recap »
D:You do know that "powerful woman" is not actually a career, right? B:And neither is "Serena van der Woodsen," but ten bucks says that you'll miss your interview waiting for her, yet again.
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
They're all good men before something happens to them, S. Some of them stay good, no matter how they're treated.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Eric] I know you disapprove of me, but can't you at least do so in a tuxedo?
– LilyRead the Recap »
James Franco is doing a reading of some of his short stories at Housing Works.
– DanRead the Recap »
You would use me and jeopardize my business to pursue a career you thought up five minutes ago based on some power list?
– EleanorRead the Recap »
B:I have to take my future into my own hands, otherwise... E:Otherwise what? You'll be forced to follow in my footsteps? [Blair looks flustered] No, that's fine, dear. Now that I realize that your childish games are actually who you are and not a phase, I wouldn't want someone like you wanting to be like me.
– Blair and EleanorRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Normal people don't get an endless number of chances, no matter the situation. That's just you.
– DanRead the Recap »
You can't show up at a ball and not expect at least one social-climbing doppelgänger to show up and impersonate you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
D:That's your plan? Disguises and accents? B:I never said anything about accents ... Can you do any?
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
Is the pedal to the metal? Because I swear if I shoved my feet through the floor I could run faster.
– BlairRead the Recap »
First, my dad swapped a '69 Les Paul for this car, and it's a collector’s item. And second, it was either this or the Lincoln Hawk van which, all I'm saying, has graphics.
– DanRead the Recap »
D:What are we going to do, just walk up to her and pull her hair? B:For starters!
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
D:[To Dan] So how's your sister? D:She's been living in Hudson. B:[Brightly] I banished her!
– Damien, Dan, and BlairRead the Recap »
You know, I think he was the only guy to ever say no to me. I was in love with him.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Serena had an affair with her teacher because, let's face it, it's Serena, and what else is there to do in Connecticut. Then she came to her senses and discarded him like last seasons Chanel booties. Then he became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges. That should be a warning to you, Humphrey: Never-to-be-realized literary aspirations? Check. He's a townie ... You're from Brooklyn, so check. Giving up everything to become Serena van der Woodsen's stalker? Check! Face it, Humphrey: you are one knitted tie away from Mr. Donovan territory.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Eric, somewhere in between a Marlins jersey and absolute truth lies the better part of decorum. Becoming an adult means learning that.
– LilyRead the Recap »
I stuck my hand up a turkey's butt, you're not getting out of your job.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Good-bye friends, Dan.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
B:I need the shearling. Do you want me to freeze? D:Yes, I want you to freeze.
– Blair and DorotaRead the Recap »
D:With everything that's happened with Mr. Chuck and Miss Serena, I also know you want to get out of the Dodge! B:Out of Dodge—it's a place, not a pickup truck.
– Blair and DorotaRead the Recap »
E:Do we have relatives I don’t know about? R:It's always a possibility.
– Eric and RufusRead the Recap »
We bring pie!
– DorotaRead the Recap »
Your daughter wakes up alone, drugged in an empty motel room, and you don't call the cops? You don't ask if she's okay or what happened? You just have her committed? What kind of mother does that?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
[To Jenny] I am not Vanessa or Juliet's father, I am yours!
– RufusRead the Recap »
[To Chuck] Just because we can't be friends doesn’t mean we aren't.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Dan] What do you say we find that bitch and get us a little frontier justice?
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Chuck] We should get used to little run-ins like these. I mean, if Bruce and Demi can do it ...
– BlairRead the Recap »
You seriously expect me to make this monumental decision with colored pencils and graph paper?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
D:Don't think this means I've been calling out your name in my sleep. N:I haven't been writing Mrs. Dan Humphrey in my notebook.
– Dan and NateRead the Recap »
C:Nothing like a friendly benefit to start a day of meetings about getting the Empire back on top. B:You do thrive in that position. I'm sure your Black and White ball for the hotel association will remind them of that.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Dorota] I see your brain trying to translate the implications from Polish.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Mom, you have to call [Page Six] and make them print an apology and a retraction.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Relax, man. Girls know that when a guy says that during it doesn't mean "I love you," it means "I love having sex with you."
– NateRead the Recap »
Mister Chuck does not seem like a "blurter."
– DorotaRead the Recap »
As long as I'm with you, I'm Hillary in the White House. And I want to be Hillary, Secretary of State. Except with better hair.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Even in Utah only the men get to have more than one spouse. Which, I've come to realize, is extremely sexist.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Closure: the unattainable goal. In my personal experience, the closest I've come to getting it is through massive amounts of hate sex. But that's just me.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
I’ll stick to giving Juliet her shampoo and copy of The Help back.
– NateRead the Recap »
B:What if someone sees? C:You don't like that anymore? B:No, you idiot. What if someone we know sees?
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
B:This ends here! C:What about over there? B:Okay, hurry.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
Okay, it's just sex, and a one-time thing at that! Or, maybe a five-time thing. Or, let's be honest, I've lost count how many times.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:It's just your ordinary, run of the mill ex sex, fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs: mutual loathing and disdain. S:May I remind you that those are both feelings?
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Do you forget what happens to you on vacation? There's a reason you never get a tan line.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Dan] Why do you have mad face?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Just because you broke up with me doesn't mean we can't be friends.
– NateRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Uh oh, I can tell you are thinking again.
– ColinRead the Recap »
KGB can't get me to talk. Chuck Bass has no chance.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
We're going to go find Serena so you two unfairly genetically blessed people can be together.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Chuck] Who knew it would take tons of hate sex and a public takedown to finally get here?
– BlairRead the Recap »
Let me see, writing a paper on Hannah Arendt? Or a secret mission that might help me clear my name. Let me grab my bag.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
[To Serena] You’re worth more than a guest lecture fee, everyone knows that.
– DanRead the Recap »
[To Juliet] Just because you have no money and delusions of grandeur does not make it okay for you to be a single white trash female.
– BlairRead the Recap »
You put gladiolas in my cabbage roses? The Waldorfs' is not a Best Western!
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:Dorota, what’s going on with me? D:You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck, so you are fighting with everyone else.
– Blair and DorotaRead the Recap »
[To Dan] The intricacies are too complex for a prole like you to fathom.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
[To Rufus] I know you think you're rock-and-roll, but you are wearing a $2,000 jacket.
– LilyRead the Recap »
It only takes one video to topple a career. If you don't believe me just Google 'Connie Chung piano.'
– BlairRead the Recap »
I would never sacrifice my academic career.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
What have we here? Bed unslept in. Hair in missionary disarray. Yesterday's dress with today's shame all over it.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I really like him, though!
– SerenaRead the Recap »
This isn't Congress. Accomplish something!
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Dan] I'll let you get back to your Hemingway complex.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
You got me thinking. If my class is so important to you maybe I ought to make it worth your while. So for the next seven weeks it's fewer models and martinis, more flow charts and footnotes.
– ColinRead the Recap »
[To Dan] So dramatic, you should be a writer.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
We all know you would have moved on to something more your speed eventually. A pretty girl like you can get the attention of a pretty girl without an education, so why bother?
– LilyRead the Recap »
[To Chuck] If you're here to deliver more humiliation, Dorota can sign for it.
– BlairRead the Recap »
We’re holding on to the pain because it's all we have left. We don't have to. We have a choice.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
A lesbian switcheroo doesn't make you Blackwater.
– BlairRead the Recap »
If only there was a device of some kind to keep the time!
– BlairRead the Recap »
Gossip Girl likes to keep things classy and somewhat true.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
A man with nothing to live for is capable of everything.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Who knows my limits since you took away my future?
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Are you seriously still hitting on me while holding your date's shoes?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Looks like this Parisian beauty reeled in a Bass. A Chuck Bass, to be more specific.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
Do you remember when Chuck gave his heart to his mother? That was the beginning of the end. For all of us.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Some are speculating it’s worth more than anything he gave me!
– BlairRead the Recap »
S:It was just so easy in Paris. B:You were just so easy in Paris.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Vanessa] I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t realize when we moved in you’d be laundry monitor.
– DanRead the Recap »
Old Chuck, bad Chuck. New Chuck, good Chuck.
– EvaRead the Recap »
I know everything about you, which is why I know that your visit probably has more to do with a scheme than a scone.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
B: [To Eva] Once, [Chuck] sold me for a hotel. C:She knows, we have no secrets. B:Blackmailers must be weeping all over town.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
Not only am I manly and rugged, but I also have mad browsing skills.
– DanRead the Recap »
You’re about to lose me to CSI: Williamsburg.
– DanRead the Recap »
This means war, Blair. Me versus you. No limits.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
How is my first day at Columbia supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn’t around to tell people it does?
– BlairRead the Recap »
Oh please, you are Serena van der Woodsen. You’ve been on campus five minutes I bet there’s already an entire frat house filled with guys fighting over you. And don’t worry, my jealousy issues are as over as surf fabric for eveningwear.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Their membership is so restricted, it makes Soho House look like a halfway house.
– BlairRead the Recap »
It’s a long story but it has a happy ending.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
S:Wow, and I thought college would be different from high school. B:Who would want that?
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
Oh, you’re the one who’s going to end up being hurt, ma biche, and not by me. Chuck will soon realize that it doesn’t matter if the dress is couture if the girl is off the rack. And as with all things that don’t fit, you’ll be sent back to where you came from. Oh, and if I were you, I’d accessorize with some gloves. Not even a manicure can disguise those peasant hands.
– BlairRead the Recap »
J:The girls all want to borrow your clothes, and the boys that want to take them off. B:Thank you for the warning on both counts.
– Juliet and BlairRead the Recap »
Elliot is the bow-tie master in our relationship.
– EricRead the Recap »
I thought the only thing [Nate] got upset about was a badly rolled joint.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Dan] If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so could we.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
D:But this is all just a cover because you’re really a Russian spy like those women in Westchester. G:No, I mean not that I wasn’t approached, because I was.
– Dan and GeorginaRead the Recap »
Trouble is moving in, and it's looking to make the Upper East Side it's bitch.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
I've been waiting all summer to feel sparkly again!
– BlairRead the Recap »
If you go back with an uncertain heart, there will be drama and disaster for all.
– BlairRead the Recap »
S:It's like choosing between éclairs and Napoleans. They’re both delicious! B:Except Humphrey's a doughnut.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
S:I went to the morgue today. B:What is that, a sex club? S:A place where they store dead bodies.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
I could care less about his Bassets and probably he's filtering his assets through some foreign government so I won't know.
– BlairRead the Recap »
We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
S:I just have a thing for French waiters. B:...and bartenders and museum docents, anyone on a Vespa or bicycle, or wearing Zadig and Voltaire.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
D:Last time we spoke you’d made it through all the 'T's in Chucks little black book. N:Let's just say 'V' is for "Vivid" and leave it at that.
– Dan and NateRead the Recap »
As much as I'm going to miss you while you're in Providence, having separate lives ensures no competition, which means no high-school pettiness!
– BlairRead the Recap »
I wouldn’t worry about Chuck. Any normal summer he's drunk on some island where polygamy is legal. Given everything that happened it makes sense he's gone rogue.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
D: I'm so sorry about [not calling], but there is a reason. V:Is it because you’ve become a hoarder?
– Dan and VanessaRead the Recap »
Then what other possible reason could there possibly be in the God I don’t believe in’s universe for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?
– VanessaRead the Recap »
I was afraid nobody would know who she was. Not a lot of Humphreys on the society pages.
– EleanorRead the Recap »
You think I’d skip out on a room full of Champagne and models? Are you forgetting I used to be a rock star?
– RufusRead the Recap »
We’re talking about Georgina Sparks. Her hair lies!
– VanessaRead the Recap »
Looks like you just hooked yourself a Bass.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Miss Blair, I de-friend Mr. Chuck on Facebook and in life. But it is pretty romantic thing he's doing.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
B:So, are you all ready to make the fat lady sing? D:I'll settle for making the lying doctor lady confess.
– Blair and DanRead the Recap »
B:The plan is, you wait with his ticket. His name is Dr. Tabb, so pretend you're well-bred and be polite. It'll pay off if you ever need orthopedic surgery at Mount Sinai. J:Like when you stab me in the back.
– Blair and JennyRead the Recap »
B:Holland is obviously trying to poison Lily so she can have Rufus all to herself. It's so Shakespearean. N:It's also Fatal Attraction.
– Blair and NateRead the Recap »
Elliott's the perfect mix of smart and fun: He speaks three languages, but he has a subscription to People magazine.
– EricRead the Recap »
So the only things we can talk about openly are politics, Jersey Shore,and where we want to eat.
– DanRead the Recap »
[To Dan] Maybe if we become famous writers one day, they'll publish [our letters] after we die, like Sartre and de Beauvoir.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
L:It's getting crowded around here. R:No kidding. Throw in your ex-husband and now we're a Nancy Meyers movie.
– Lily and RufusRead the Recap »
W:So I hope you'll all join me for this Doctors Without Borders gala tomorrow at Columbia. I must admit, I feel a bit silly about the whole thing. Clearly, Columbia's run out of alumni to honor if the best they could come up with is me. E:False humility? Check.
– Will and EricRead the Recap »
N:What are you doing? B:I could ask you the same question. Does Serena know you're trying to pull off plaid?
– Nate and BlairRead the Recap »
I'll need a disguise if I'm to blend in. Perhaps Vanessa can loan me a serape?
– BlairRead the Recap »
Please, God. Ain't no party like a Bushwick party.
– DanRead the Recap »
C:Even better. I got her [Dorota] an apartment. E:An apartment? Have you gone crazy? I was thinking more of a Vera Wang cake knife.
– Cyrus and EleanorRead the Recap »
Okay, so my Tisch application is in the mail, Vanessa's out of town, and I just ate about five pounds of Bisquick.
– DanRead the Recap »
D:Just to clarify, I do think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. B:Well, coming as it does from someone who dates Vanessa Abrams, it means very little to me. But still, thank you, Humphrey.
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
J:Champagne okay? B:I prefer something stronger. To kill the germs.
– BlairRead the Recap »
D:The wine, the wine was amazing. V:Montrachet, just like... D:What Grace Kelly brought Jimmy Stewart, that's right.
– Dan and VanessaRead the Recap »
Baby beat through the stomach like Lars from Metallica.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
S:So you hired escorts? B, you couldn't just tell your mom you don't have friends at NYU? B:Prostitutes are people, too, and they have a lot of disposable income.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Dan] By the way, I'm not wearing any underwear.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
Honestly, I didn’t even know we had a fridge until this morning.
– NateRead the Recap »
You know how torturous it is for me to find shiny things that aren't intended for me.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I read, like, five self-help blogs on how to turn friends into lovers. Yes, they used that word.
– DanRead the Recap »
B:What happened? Don't tell me that awful whore did something to you. C:I think that whore might be my mother.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
Chastity belts go very well with formalwear.
– BlairRead the Recap »
N:You have two options. One. Man up, go to war and fight for the girl you love. Or just forget her. Move on to a palatecleanser. And forget her. D:So you're saying my only choices are extreme emotional vulnerability with a good friend, or meaningless sex with a stranger? N:Pretty much. D:All right.
– Nate and DanRead the Recap »
V:Imagine if Serena had hit her head a little harder. Or the car rolled, or... D:Vanessa...I love you. V:I love you too. D:That's not the reaction I was hoping for. V:Dan, sometimes when people are under emotional stress, they say things that they don't really mean. D:Yeah. I think I read that somewhere.
– Vanessa and DanRead the Recap »
Come on, Cece's heart pumps secrets and gin.
– DanRead the Recap »
I sorry, Miss Blair. I not talking with Vanya, and now he not stop calling. And texting. And tweeting. And writing on wall.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
Doing the right thing takes courage and strength. At least that's what I've heard.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I'm Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
He gave six girls from Nightingale gonorrhea of the throat last year.
– JennyRead the Recap »
Affairs with married people, threesomes: It just so happens everyone's problems are within my area of expertise.
– NateRead the Recap »
My family is really into waffles.
– JennyRead the Recap »
Look, I know things. I've been to Europe. Chuck Bass is my best friend.
– NateRead the Recap »
Two girls, four boobs and one Dan Humphrey.
– DanRead the Recap »
I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:I have a surprise for you. C:Then why are you still dressed?
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
Do you really think I want to spend my weekend watching women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues? It's for Nate.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Look, ladies, please, this is supposed to be a classy event, not a sample sale at an outlet mall.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
I was thinking Eighties, but shoulder pads can be overwhelming on my delicate frame.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:Love me? C:Always.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
I'm upset because I kissed someone who wasn't you. Do you really think I've never kissed a guy before?
– ChuckRead the Recap »
S:Dorota? D:I call the Sonic Youths. They in North Hampton, will try to make it.
– Serena and DorotaRead the Recap »
There is no more hierarchy. The steps of the Met will no longer be restricted to a certain crowd. No more nair-tinis. No more headbands. This is a new era. Let freedom reign.
– JennyRead the Recap »
Those girls deserve to learn the meaning of aristocracy.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don't be a scrooge with the gin.
– BlairRead the Recap »
And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents…So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Unless your real self is waiting for you at Antik, I don't see the point in another year of gallivanting around New York.
– LilyRead the Recap »
Look, I care about three things, Nathaniel: money, the pleasures money brings me, and you.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
By the way, sandals are not shoes.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:NYU is hell. C:What do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals?
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
More people have talked to me at NYU in one day than my entire four years at St. Jude's.
– DanRead the Recap »
I'm telling you, I learned everything I know about women from Judy Blume's Forever.
– DanRead the Recap »
[To Blair] I think you don't need week to run school, you do it in one day.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
I have to object to you living in the dorms. Fluorescent lighting, communal showers, public-school girls? There's a place for that and it belongs at the back of a video store.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
G:Jesus and I have redefined our relationship. B:You mean he dumped you because he found out you were Satan.
– Georgina and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Blair.] No headbands in college, okay?
– DanRead the Recap »
For people like us a college degree is just an accessory. Like a Malawi baby or a poodle.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
There's a reason we never went downtown. It's awful. The minute you cross 14th Street, people forget there's a class system.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:I know you. You're Chuck Bass. C:I'm not Chuck Bass without you.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
I'm sure Blair and Chuck will be there, if the murder-suicide I've predicted hasn't happened yet.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
Wait, you do what? I go to Europe for three months and you turn from Jane Austen to Anaïs Nin. Is there anything Chuck Bass can't get you to do?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
B:Oh, God. You're Nate Archibald. N:And you're Bree Buckley. B:You pulled my hair during Clinton's inaugural ball. N:Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter Egg Hunt on the White House lawn.
– Bree and NateRead the Recap »
You're missing one key detail: sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think I had the whole Ivanka thing?
– ChuckRead the Recap »
D:As for your friend, I'd love to meet him. V:How about tomorrow. We can do Brooklyn things like go to the dumpling truck. Play Signed or Unsigned on the Promenade.
– Dan and VanessaRead the Recap »
Settling down means death. Less sex, more silence.
– BlairRead the Recap »
That's the thing. You need to be cool to be queen. Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart, and she got her head chopped off. So her daughter Elizabeth made a vow never to marry a man. She married a country. Forget boys. Keep your eye on the prize, Jenny Humphrey. You can't make people love you, but you can make them fear you. For what it's worth, you're my queen. I choose you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:We need to talk. C:I prefer to talk after.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
We don't do prom queen; that's for suburban high schools and the lame romantic comedies that are set at them.
– BlairRead the Recap »
G:I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel. B:That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice!
– Georgina and BlairRead the Recap »
S:The entire thing was a scam. C:His suits never did fit well.
– Serena and ChuckRead the Recap »
NYU? What was I thinking? You know what I think about ironic facial hair.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[Playing I Never.] I never slept with Chuck Bass. [Drinks.] I never slept with Chuck Bass twice. [Drinks faster.]
– VanessaRead the Recap »
If you needed to mark your territory so badly, Nathaniel, maybe you should just pee on her.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Chuck Bass! Have you been saved, too?
– GeorginaRead the Recap »
Baruch Atah ay dios mio! This Passover is going to get its own Spanish Inquisition!
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
Blair, I see you are wearing your beret. Who are you spying on tonight?
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Just because I lost Yale does not mean I'm wasting my time at a non-Ivy reading Beloved six times and experimenting with lesbianism.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Don't. Only my boyfriend gets to touch my hair.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I know it's hard for you guys to understand, but I like being me. And as crazy as it might seem, I choose not to be a Park Avenue princess on my birthday or any other day, whatever my address might be.
– JennyRead the Recap »
C:I came up with several excellent ideas, you just shot most of them down. V:Yeah, because they all involve leaking a "Chuck-Vanessa" sex tape to the Internet. C:We don't have to leak the tape if you don't want to. V:Consistent. Twisted.
– Chuck and VanessaRead the Recap »
L:Charles, are you staying for breakfast? C:I have an appointment. D:What does Chuck Bass do at 8 a.m., it's not like you work out? C:I do my cardio in the evenings. Morning is for business.
– Lily, Chuck and DanRead the Recap »
You think the Humphreys have a crest? Maybe something Jenny can stitch onto one of my cardigans?
– DanRead the Recap »
V:God, I'm hungry. Why do rich people insist on tiny food? D:Well, that's how they stay rich. They only buy small food.
– Vanessa and DanRead the Recap »
I figured out the split-screen! Now we can watch all four games at once.
– NateRead the Recap »
It is old Miss Blair, new Miss Blair. Like it was old Miss Serena, now new Miss Serena. Very hard to keep track.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
B:Do you know how exhausting it's been being Blair Waldorf for the past eighteen years? All the work, the planning. S:You mean plotting? B:Yes, exactly.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
What happened to the Nate Archibald who just wanted to get high and play Halo?
– NateRead the Recap »
I hate pretentious asshats who try to steal other people's girlfriends.
– NateRead the Recap »
It's just sometimes that my thoughts come so fast that I get confused.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
B:I'm an actress. No...I'm a seagull. S:No, you're a shameless bitch.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
I always want to believe the best in you, Blair. The bottom line is, betrayal's in your nature.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
N:What is your problem? B:My problem is a two-faced, four-eyed, devious little snipe in a fat suit.
– Nelly and BlairRead the Recap »
Ladies you can give your tiny brains a rest. Once again the world has proven that anything you can do, I can do better.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I'm glad you're not wearing that raccoon makeup anymore, because you looked like one of the Incredibles.
– DanRead the Recap »
Miss Blair, your martyr act no good.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
With friends like these, who needs armies?
– BlairRead the Recap »
H:Thank you, Jesus. B:No. "Thank you, Blair."
– Hazel and BlairRead the Recap »
R:Dan's talented, but his confidence comes from a lifetime of encouragement and praise. I'm guessing for you birthdays rarely meant new pens and a notebook to fill with your ideas. S:Yeah, more like a Chanel wallet and a credit card to get me out of the house.
– Rachel and SerenaRead the Recap »
Never in my 16,982 hours of schooling have I ever been sentenced to detention.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I might've posted something on Gossip Girl. All the girls do it. It's how we communicate.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Dorota, give Handsome to a homeless man. Make sure he has kind eyes. I'm not going to Yale. I don't deserve you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Witch hunts are my Valium, Serena. I'm just trying to stay calm.
– BlairRead the Recap »
D:What if I don't get in? S:Forget you. What if I do and Blair doesn't? D:Fire and brimstone and a lot of bitch asides? Death by Dorota.
– Dan and SerenaRead the Recap »
D:Uh-oh. Is it war? B:Yes. But this one will be different.
– Dorota and BlairRead the Recap »
C:Do you believe in my cause or not? L:I do, but your shenanigans? Planting coke in his gym bag, ambushing him with a transsexual hooker— C:Two. They owed me a favor.
– Chuck and LilyRead the Recap »
I am so a better fit for Yale than that Rory.
– BlairRead the Recap »
It's so hard finding obedient minions.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I love brunch.
– DanRead the Recap »
S:There's gotta be some kind of precedent for this, right? D:Yeah, in literature. Toni Morrison, maybe. Flannery O'Connor. The Russian aristocrats before they all became hemophiliacs. S:Or Clueless! Alicia Silverstone's character dated her ex-stepbrother. And they made it work. That's super skeavy.
– Serena and DanRead the Recap »
D:I don't think I could sit through Showgirls again. J:Again? Seriously?
– Dan and JennyRead the Recap »
B:Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it. N:Yeah, aren't you curious what it says. C:I think I can guess. ‘You're a disappointment of a son. I'd die of embarrassment if I wasn't already. Why do you wear so much purple?’
– Blair, Nate, and ChuckRead the Recap »
Save me these expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait until you get Botox.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Serena’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s about nine levels hotter than him.
– JennyRead the Recap »
Chuck's body odor could've given a contact high to half of Manhattan.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Nelly Yuki is the new old Jenny Humphrey.
– EricRead the Recap »
I frequently feed the ducks in Central Park. And read to blind children.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:But I am me and you are you. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through everything. C:And why would you do that? B:Because I love you. C:Well, that's too bad.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
I'm not maternal. I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus. I'm turning Jewish. Oh, look, Kugel.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Chuck, am I going to have to stick my finger down your throat? Nate’ll hold your hair.
– BlairRead the Recap »
S:I just thought sex was meaningful to you, that's all. D:It is. Especially when I haven't had it in a long time.
– Serena and DanRead the Recap »
Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I love the Snowflake Ball. It reminds me of Anna Karenina, only by Anna Wintour.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
D:Please, I don't want to shine Mr. Chuck's shoes for month. B:His shoes if you're lucky. D:What?
– Dorota and BlairRead the Recap »
P:Oh, hello, weird documentary girl. V:Bye, sad Blair wannabe.
– Penelope and blairRead the Recap »
B:How did you come up with these? D:Facebook. I joined few groups.
– Blair and DorotaRead the Recap »
B:Remember, Serena doesn't share. S:Remember, Blair should learn to.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
Dorota, get it together! We're leaving.
– BlairRead the Recap »
L:How did you get so wise? E:The nanny.
– Lily and EricRead the Recap »
Don't you dare answer that BlackBerry, Dorota.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Granted, Agnes's mother is more Courtney Love than June Cleaver, but she's a committed parent. She's gone through similar phases with Agnes, and she promises to call every day. So Jenny's safe.
– RufusRead the Recap »
B:Dorota, are you insane? D:I don't know.
– Blair and DorotaRead the Recap »
[On Cyrus.] I was expecting Cary Grant and I got Danny DeVito.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I am Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly is me.
– BlairRead the Recap »
You have glow, Ms. Eleanor, like Chinese lantern.
– Dorota
[To Blair] Your era is over, and so is that headband.
– JennyRead the Recap »
Piece of advice: lose the tulip.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Princeton is a trade school. There is only Yale.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Stop your mouth from moving.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Just so you know, there are a few things that I consider sacred. The back of a limo is one of them.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Girl:I read about you on Gossip Girl. You're like the devil. C:Finally, some truth in advertising.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
Sorry, J, but in the real world, you can’t take a note to the principal when the drunken model eats your homework.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
Don't do it, B. You don't want your obit to say you died in Brooklyn.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
A:Do you know how to weld? S:Um, I've seen Flashdance several times?
– Aaron and SerenaRead the Recap »
A:So are you my bitch or what? J:I am. I am totally your bitch.
– Agnes and JennyRead the Recap »
C:All you have to do is say those three magic words. B:I hate you.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
Don't forget. God always watching, Ms. Blair.
– DorotaRead the Recap »
The nape of the neck is Chuck's kryptonite.
– BlairRead the Recap »
C:Wanna get in? I'd love to give you a ride. B:I'm sure you would.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
C:Eight letters. Three syllables. Say them and I'm yours. B:Chuck Bass, I will never say those words to you. C:Then you will never have me.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
K:I didn't know. B:That tights are not pants?! Honestly.
– Kelsey and BlairRead the Recap »
B:Uh, uh. Been there, done that. Been decontaminated. C:We both know you'll do it again. It's a question of when. B:The answer is never. C:We're inevitable, Waldorf.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
C:My, my, that girl has gotten under your skin. B:The question is, Bass, will you?
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
I chased you for long enough. Now it's time you chased me.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
[To Serena] Your deductive-reasoning skills are perfect for a place like Brown. An enclave of trustafarians and children of celebrities who major in drum circles and semiotics, whatever that is. I can't wait for you to come home next Thanksgiving a militant veganista, anemic and proud.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Yale is for presidents, not Humphreys.
– DanRead the Recap »
S:I hate the stupid headbands! B:My headband!
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
S:I was up all night thinking about the first time we came here together when we were 9. Your dad took us to that Harvard-Yale game and you tackled Senator Schumer's daughter for wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. B:I bet those grass stains never came out.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
Do you ever get tired of carrying around that chip on your shoulder, Dan? No wonder Serena dumped you.
– NateRead the Recap »
I'm sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie. Life’s too short, but you make it feel so long.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Ah, another day of school; back to reading, writing, and aristocrats.
– DanRead the Recap »
Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle?
– DanRead the Recap »
D:When did you start drinking in bars alone? C:When I realized that hot, desperate women drink in bars alone.
– Dan and ChuckRead the Recap »
Don't ever go to high school, Dorota. The girls are spoiled, stupid and ungrateful.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Wait, Mapplethorpe. Isn't that the one who took all of the pictures of the naked guys?
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Marc [Jacobs] is going to eat his grunge corduroys.
– EleanorRead the Recap »
D:As strange as it sounds, I'm here to see you. I know we don't like each other. You think I'm a boring sheltered nobody— C:I don't think of you. D:Oh, right, of course you don't. But I've been thinking of me. I've come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to experience new things. C:Are you gay?
– Dan and ChuckRead the Recap »
D:How do you know so many twins? C:The twins find me.
– Dand and ChuckRead the Recap »
You are not using Blair as sexual Draino.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Wait. Hold that non-thought.
– BlairRead the Recap »
The first day of school's draft day. Blair and her merry band of psychos are going to be on a tear. They categorize girls into two groups: projects or victims. Girls with potential to become little mini-Blair-ites become projects and total losers, and the girls who have potential to threaten social order become victims. I was a project last year and we all know how that turned out.
– JennyRead the Recap »
J:What were you thinking? D:I was sleeping. J:I'm talking about you and little Miss Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl.
– Jenny and DanRead the Recap »
Jealousy is a powerful emotion. I had to create a monster if I was going to dethrone a queen.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
S:Mom, I can't believe you didn't wake me up when you got home last night. I felt cheated. C:Last time you said you felt violated.
– Serena and ChuckRead the Recap »
Dan's not a big sports guy. He likes poets. And letters to poets.
– DanRead the Recap »
Notice how my voice didn't go up at the end? Not a question.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Sound the trumpet, strumpets!
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
[To Nate] You lied to me and you're sleeping with some Mrs. Robinson. And while on the Upper East Side that may be totally normal, I didn’t' sign up for some creepy love triangle with you and somebody's mom.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
I don't have a romantic bone in my body. [Looking down] Least of all that one.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
C:What names does he call you when you make love? Where does he put his hand? Have sex with me. Just once, it's all I need. B:You are disgusting and I hate you. C:Then why are you holding my hand?
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
Hot young guy, aging beauty enjoying her last hurrah before the surgeries start? It's called a cliché.
– BlairRead the Recap »
She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Three words, eight letters. Say it and I'm yours.
– BlairRead the Recap »
B:Dan is a huge football fan. He's a Chelsea fanatic. S:Oh, me too. I just love the Balenciaga store.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
B:I love him. S:Okay, I'm gonna take your word for it—but, Blair, love? B:Like, very much. And not just because Tom Hanks gave him a Kleenex at Lady Di's funeral.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
B:Squash? I'll squash you. C:It's just a game, Blair. B:It's not to me, Bass-hole. I like him.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
I have to present myself as a crown jewel, surrounded by other slightly flawed gems, but quality stones nonetheless.
– BlairRead the Recap »
C:I thought you might like to meet my friend. B:Why, so she can warn me about the effects of too much Botox?
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
Tip No. 3: take time to smell the flowers. It's true that all good things must come to an end, and August is no exception. They don't call it fall for nothing.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
Amid all the fireworks on Bastille Day, all I could see was that Bass-tard.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Damn that mother Chuck-er.
– BlairRead the Recap »
C:Don't you see? We're the same. Stop trying to fight it. B:I will fight until my last dying breath because any resemblance to you is something I would hate about myself.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
J:The White Party is like, super-exclusive. Summer interns do not get to go. Last year they even turned away Jack Johnson. R:Sounds like a party with taste.
– Jenny and RufusRead the Recap »
[To Chuck.] I wasn't aware that robots got jealous. Did they update your software while I was away?
– BlairRead the Recap »
C:Good morning, Waldorf. B:It was until now.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
Oh God, the lifeguard has a Camaro. And not in an ironic, "I've got a Camaro" way.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey is mourning Dan Humphrey.
– BlairRead the Recap »
A hot lifeguard is like Kleenex—use once and throw away.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Unlike the rest of us, sex, lies and scandal never take a vacation. Instead, they take the LI Expressway and head east to the Hamptons. Some would say summer is their busiest season.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
[To Georgina.] Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here. Have fun at reform school!
– BlairRead the Recap »
D:This is so weird. I don't normally do plots against people. B:Don't worry, virgin. I'll talk you through it.
– Dan and BlairRead the Recap »
C:I was hoping we could discuss what you have planned for my room. A:And who are you? C:I'm Chuck Bass.
– Chuck and AmeliaRead the Recap »
D:No. No, no, of course not, it's...It's just...It's, uh, a lot. And I...I really, really wish that you told me this sooner. S:No, I...I know it's my fault. I...I was just so scared. D:I get it. I get it. I mean, ‘Hey, I think I killed someone, and I'm being blackmailed by a crazy girl pretending to be someone else’ doesn't quite...roll off the tongue.
– Dan and SerenaRead the Recap »
B:Why? It's not like you ever do anything athletic. C:Well, that's not entirely true, now is it? B:Fine. Nothing that requires you removing your scarf. C:That was one time, it was chilly.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
I've been alone for quite a while now, and you know what? It's hard. And I love Bart. Not just because he has money—I have enough money. Not that you can ever have enough money, but...I'm rambling. And I'm nervous, and...You make me nervous.
– LilyRead the Recap »
D:So tell me, what...What exactly happened with you and Man-Bangs? V:He is prettier than me, but that wasn't the problem. D:And so what was it then? The, uh, the whole perpetually stoned, brooding guy thing? V:I actually enjoyed the quiet. It was a nice change of pace from you.
– Dan and VanessaRead the Recap »
C:Look, I know I said some horrible things, even for me. B:You mean blogging to Gossip Girl about our sex life? And comparing me to your Dad's sweaty old horse?
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
B:Yeah, I had sex with him in the back of a limo. C:Several times. N:I had sex with you at a wedding while I was her date. Once. C:I'm Chuck Bass.
– Blair, Chuck, and NateRead the Recap »
You can tell us anything. We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club.
– BlairRead the Recap »
R:Hey, it's gonna be cool. I mean, they're even filming it for VH1. D:VH1 Classic. The ’classic‘ is kind of important.
– Dan and RufusRead the Recap »
N:Hey, I only have a second. I'm on my way to Queens. B:Ugh. Gross. Why? N:To meet Vanessa at a concert. B:It got grosser.
– Nate and BlairRead the Recap »
Don’t look so sad, little J; the sun will come out tomorrow...even though your boyfriend already did today.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
I killed someone.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
If Serena's indiscretions were as PG as Jenny's, I wouldn't have needed the Botox.
– LilyRead the Recap »
How do you keep them from growing up when they can have a full relationship from the confines of their own bedrooms?
– RufusRead the Recap »
All that matters to someone like Jenny right now are the four Gs: guys, girlfriends, and Gossip Girl.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Jenny.] Just because your name is on the invite doesn't make you a hostess.
– BlairRead the Recap »
When you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena's table as possible.
– LilyRead the Recap »
The most important parties to attend are the ones you're not invited to.
– BlairRead the Recap »
It was once said that a person's eyes are the windows to their soul. That was before people had cell phones.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Even you should know that jealousy clashes with L.L. Bean pants.
– JennyRead the Recap »
N:Next time your sister's band is in town I want front-row seats. V:You don't strike me as a lesbian-punk fan. N:You know I'm almost offended at how much you underestimate me, Ms. Abrams. V:You like punk? N:Oh, I didn't hear you. You said punk? Because you had me at "lesbian."
– Nate and VanessaRead the Recap »
Come on, let's go lurk outside Dalton.
– JennyRead the Recap »
C:Say you need me. S:Chuck! C:Hearing you scream my name is more than enough.
– Chuck and SerenaRead the Recap »
If you're gonna sweat the test, it better not clog your pores.
– BlairRead the Recap »
There are three things we do alone. We're born, we die, and if we're a high-school junior headed for college, we take the SATs.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
S:Let's get one thing straight. Our parents may be insisting on blending our households but I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to. C:Then I suggest you get new hand towels.
– Serena and ChuckRead the Recap »
Chuck may be eccentric, but I doubt he's diabolical.
– LilyRead the Recap »
[To Blair.] You being a bitch is what got dairy in your hair in the first place.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
[To Serena.] So, first day back at school. Honey, you didn't want to shower?
– LilyRead the Recap »
L:Don't put your dirty package on the table. C:If I had a dime for every time I heard that.
– Lily and ChuckRead the Recap »
I'm not pregnant. I command myself not to be pregnant.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Would you do me a favor? Move down a couple steps.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[Dan] told me he loved me and all I did was stand there like a stupid mute.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
D:I love you. And not just because I thought you were pregnant. And not the way you love some random guy who picks up your lit paper or some girl who likes your hair. S:Okay. D:Okay? That response is not okay.
– Dan and SerenaRead the Recap »
E:Is there something you want to tell me? S:Am I that obvious? Yes, actually. That hair color is all wrong for you.
– Serena and EricRead the Recap »
B:I took the test. I'm not pregnant. S:[Screams.] I'm so happy. I would've had no idea what to wear to a paternity hearing.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
S:Hi, Chuck. C:Please, call me brother.
– Serena and ChuckRead the Recap »
B:I have no one to turn to but you. C:Actually, you don't even have me. B:Enough. C:I'll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate, untouched. But now you're like one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore. And I can't see why anyone else would.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
J:This whole hazing thing is getting a bit old, don't you think, B? B:First of all, the hazing stops when I say it stops. And for future reference, only my friends call me B.
– Jenny and BlairRead the Recap »
S:Whenever something happens that's not a part of your plan you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life, then I have to remind you the only person watching that movie is you. You admitted that your period was late. B:Yes, I've been very stressed. I have that chem test on Friday. S:And you're acting like a total bitch because you're not hormonal? B:Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
B:Game over. C:Game's not over until I say it is. B:Then have fun playing with yourself.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
What's the difference between gossip and scandal? So glad you asked, UES Forever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz. But in order for gossip to birth a true scandal, it requires the right person to be in the wrong place.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
You really can be damned if you do, screwed if you don't.
– DanRead the Recap »
So what will it be, Dan. Cheerios and Chaucer? Or an illegal party at your prep-school pool with your high-society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?
– VanessaRead the Recap »
C:Why don't I turn that one-piece into a no-piece? S:Find a floatie to talk to, Chuck.
– Chuck and SerenaRead the Recap »
C:Unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint. B:Isn't there someone else you can torture? C:Probably, but I choose you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
What do the Humphreys have to offer? Used MetroCards? Your dad's cassingle?
– ChuckRead the Recap »
What are you going to do to me, Blair? Blackball me from eating yogurt on the Met steps? You have nothing I need.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
C:You know what they say, the family that plays together, stays together. S:Ah, incest. The universal taboo. One of the only ones you haven't violated. C:Well I'm game if you are.
– Chuck and SerenaRead the Recap »
[To Dan.] The outsider goes inside. A likable everyman's pursuit of his dream girl begins his descent into the bowels of hell. This is mythic stuff.
– VanessaRead the Recap »
[To Dan] You got your dream girl, your story in The New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
– JennyRead the Recap »
I think the most elaborate gift I've ever given was a pair of rubber boots from LL Bean.
– DanRead the Recap »
Serena is so grateful because she likes to see the best in people. I like to see the truth.
– BlairRead the Recap »
S:You cannot date Bart Bass. L:You just said a moment ago you didn't care who it was. S:That was before I knew who it was. E:He only has one facial expression. He scares me. S:And he raised Chuck, that scares me.
– Serena, Lily, and EricRead the Recap »
R:Eleanor, we've been friends a long time. Since before Marc Jacobs went into rehab. E:Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.
– Roman and EleanorRead the Recap »
[To Serena.] Dorota's going to kill you if you get glue on that comforter.
– BlairRead the Recap »
If you don't pull it together, I'm gonna go Naomi Campbell on you.
– BlairRead the Recap »
J:A debutante ball is all a girl could ask for. It's gorgeous and formal and totally legendary. D:Don't forget out of touch and totally classist.
– Jenny and DanRead the Recap »
C:Do you like it here, Mr. Humphrey? D:Well it's a little bit like a museum, a little cold. Though the water pressure is unparalleled.
– Cece and DanRead the Recap »
If you don't hear it from me you're going to hear it from her, and I promise you don't want that to happen. The brands I listed are the key to her happiness. And that includes Tanqueray.
– LilyRead the Recap »
B:A girl wants Romeo, not Hamlet. S:Romeo died. B:Yeah, but he died for something exciting. And I want my debutante ball to be something to die for.
– Blair and SerenaRead the Recap »
There’s nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever.
– LilyRead the Recap »
It's so weird that our parents had lives before us.
– EricRead the Recap »
S:Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge. B:Well, it wasn't because I like his natural musk.
– Serena and BlairRead the Recap »
I'm in a good mood! It happens. Sometimes because I increase my Lexipro, sometimes because my dad's in town.
– BlairRead the Recap »
C:How do you think I feel? I haven't slept. I feel sick, like there's something in my stomach, fluttering. B:Butterflies? Oh no no no no. This is not happening.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
C:What's on your mind? N:It's my mom. C:Sounds Freudian.
– Chuck and NateRead the Recap »
Forgive me father for I have sinned… After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly twenty minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is he's a total pig who'll act like it never happened, thank God. Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic. But losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand. I'm ready for my punishment.
– BlairRead the Recap »
[To Chuck.] Where's my boy? Seal the deal? Tap that ass? Money marries bigger money?
– NateRead the Recap »
C:I'm sorry. B:No, you're smarmy. There's a difference.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
B:I'm not in the mood, Chuck. It's pretty much the worst birthday ever. C:Maybe it can be salvaged. B:What's that, our sex tape?
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
Prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free. And no matter how long you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down.
– Gossip GirlRead the Recap »
J:Dad, have you seen a bracelet? You know, round, silverish, sparkly. R:Yeah, I think that next to that ambiguous, vague thing by the nondescript place.
– Jenny and RufusRead the Recap »
B:Chuck Bass, I do believe all your years of underage boozing and womanizing have finally paid off. Truly, I am proud. C:And you are my toughest critic. Well, second toughest.
– Blair and ChuckRead the Recap »
You'd think all of the money we spend on this private school, they could at least give us a comfortable spot to make out.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
Game recognizes game, little J. But you have to show more respect. This is the last time I've helped you. Next time you cross me, I won't be as forgiving.
– BlairRead the Recap »
Sex is meaningful, like art. And you don’t rush art.
– DanRead the Recap »
V:So this Blair girl used you as her slave? J:No, I was her handmaiden. V:Handmaiden is Jane Austen for slave.
– Vanessa and JennyRead the Recap »
Little Jenny Humphrey manages to get my pants off and have me not enjoy it. Quite the accomplishment.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
My mom won't let me drive because she says that's what drivers are for.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
I'm not a stop along the way, I'm a destination.
– BlairRead the Recap »
How long can a man have a piggy bank and still call himself a man?
– DanRead the Recap »
[To Rufus.] I'll pass on a glass of that non-premium liquor that you're drinking. But I will take something to eat. Thank you for offering,
– LilyRead the Recap »
L:Where are you taking my daughter tonight? D:I don't know. Probably a walking tour of the New York underground, visit my friends the mole people. They're great, except they only ever eat leftovers.
– DanRead the Recap »
[To Rufus.] Either Dan Humphrey is an alias or your son is not very popular.
– LilyRead the Recap »
Anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
She's best friends with this girl Blair Waldorf, who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon-mot-tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.
– DanRead the Recap »
It's called 'Nolita,' not 'no showers.'
– BlairRead the Recap »
E:Before you tuck into that, you might find the low-fat yogurt more appealing. B:I lost two pounds while you were away. E:And you look marvelous!
– Eleanor and BlairRead the Recap »
[To Blair.] Medusa wants her withering glare back.
– DanRead the Recap »
I hate the American Apparel effect.
– EleanorRead the Recap »
Take a cab, don't walk!
– LilyRead the Recap »
Last year, I believe [Nate] had an original thought. It died of loneliness.
– DanRead the Recap »
C:It's a facility for the disturbed or addicted. B:You must have your own wing. C:You don't get enough credit for your wit.
– Chuck and BlairRead the Recap »
Why should I be chosen to be an usher? I'm Chuck Bass.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
[To Serena.] Too bad you missed the assembly. Not that it matters. Brown doesn't offer degrees in slut.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I was in the neighborhood, give or take 70 blocks.
– DanRead the Recap »
C:If I knew his name I'd hunt him down and kill him. N:What, because you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf? C:Don't mock the scarf, Nathanie. It's my signature. N:Just saying...death by scarf, not that intimidating.
– Chuck and NateRead the Recap »
C:Unless you have a reason to be here, I'll have to ask you to wait on the curb with the rest of the trash. D:Trash? Look, man, I live in Brooklyn, not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks. But don't you think we're taking this class-warfare thing a little too far?
– Chuck and DanRead the Recap »
L:Just coffee, I'm not staying long. I'd like to get out of here before someone throws me down and tattoos me. R:This is Brooklyn, Lil, not the Warped Tour.
– Lily and RufusRead the Recap »
Poor Daniel: so little time, so many sluts to defend.
– ChuckRead the Recap »
[To Serena.] I always knew you were a whore. I never took you for a liar, too.
– BlairRead the Recap »
I miss you. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. Walking to school together, dancing on tables at Bungalow, night swimming at your mom's country house.
– SerenaRead the Recap »
When Prince Charming found Cinderella's slipper, they didn't accuse him of having a foot fetish.
– DanRead the Recap »
C:I'm going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors. S:And if you get a drink they're also serving pigs.
– Chuck and SerenaRead the Recap »
D:You'd really go out with some guy you don't know? S:You can't be worse than the guys I do know.
– Dan and SerenaRead the Recap »
I don't care if it's a Murakami, it clashes with my sofa.
– LilyRead the Recap »
You know, Dad, there's this thing called MySpace where you can post all of this information online. Save some trees, have a blog.
– DanRead the Recap »
N:Aren't we entitled to choose? Just to be happy? C:Look, easy Socrates. What we're entitled to is a trust fund, maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription-drug problem, but happiness does not seem to be on the menu, so smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, because you're also entitled to tap that ass.
– Nate and ChuckRead the Recap »