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Jersey Shore

Obsessive Guide
My heart is racing and I smell like King Kong's asshole.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I just didn't want my cuca to come out.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Being called "Angelina" is like, one of the worst things you can be called.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
No one touches my clams. I'll cut your fingers off.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Have sex with an old man, steal a plant, get arrested, and then do whatever.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Alright, I'll make you a grilled cheese, asshole.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
As much as I hate Deena, I'm gonna miss her ass.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I like to punt shit.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Vin thinks he's a man now that he got his ears pierced.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Do you want to get beat up by an Israeli chick?
– DanielleRead the Recap »
You're the worst argument person ever.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Your mom's been drunk dialing all day.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
I am tan; I look Indian.
– Ronnie's MomRead the Recap »
You didn't come here for pastries and coffee. You came here to do sex with Pauly and Vinny.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
[On Staten Island] It's an actual island.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Don't touch me, I'm tan!
– VinnyRead the Recap »
Same shit, different toilet.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
She looks like 'The Crow.'
– VinnyRead the Recap »
Pure evidence of treachery I've just seen.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I actually named his penis "Moby Dick."
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Dominican girls are hot because they can dance, they can move, they got tans, big butts, nice full lips.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
I want to touch Vinny.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
It could be dangerous to the health.
– SammiRead the Recap »
Ew, you peed on my foot!
– DeenaRead the Recap »
Who is these girls?
– DeenaRead the Recap »
I thought you were just being drunk and stupid.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
So, you know, fuck you, alcohol.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
My nipples won't stay in my shirt.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
My vagina's killing me.
– SnoookiRead the Recap »
Get your weiner cleaner!
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Work blows shit for Skittles.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
I'm really good at clearing out pipes, and laying pipe.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
Vin, do you want to bang?
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Somebody marshmallowed the house.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
After that, now he has to bang you.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
They have defied the law of intelligence.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I'm like, a pretty deep dude.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Tell him to put on a little Michael Bolton.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I didn't know the seriousness of the missing crocodile.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I'm gonna turd in my pants.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Have a coffee then it will flow out your butthole like a freakin' rainstorm.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
The girls I bring home don't wear underwear.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
Ronnie kind of has a temper.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
They're talking about f'in' relationships, my sneakers are dirty.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I still say they're gonna bang tonight.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I gotta get my backwards hat.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I'll put you in a fire, you bitch.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
How many times you cook for me? None!
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I see your weiner!
– SnookiRead the Recap »
One step forward, two step backs.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I've dranken a lot more than I drank tonight.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I just stuck my hand in your throw up.
– SammiRead the Recap »
Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?
– SammiRead the Recap »
I'm taking his sperm and making babies out of it.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I hate the ocean. Yeah, it's all whale sperm.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I look like a hot, drunk baseball player. Batter up, bitches!
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Hell has to be just like this.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
Yo, face down, ass up—that's how I like to have a good time.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
She'll show you her C-Section.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
The Capulets and the... whatevers.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
You need sucky things in life to make you stronger.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
I'm sorry I punched you in the face.
– SammiRead the Recap »
If you guys want me to go downstairs for make-up sex, let me know.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
It's not that sturdy. Like, no fat girls can go on it.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
My teeth and my mouth is too precious to me to go down that way.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
Snookin' for love...it's worse than a staph infection.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
You got a lot of balls, girl.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Faux-hawk is like, my best thing.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
It's nice to get all the beef squashed.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
To drink, or not to drink?
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I might have to double-panty it.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Every time I get really excited, I have to poop.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I just had a baby in the toilet.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Every guy has a dream of having a threesome with two women, obviously.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Well stop caring and f*** me, man!
– SnookiRead the Recap »
My ass is burning.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
[While sitting in the fridge] I have to poop.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I need a mind condom.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
[Accepting Sammi's apology] Oh my God, bitch. You're such a whore.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
[After peeing on the floor] You make your own bathroom.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
Seaside's so beautiful, look at the garbage.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
This isn't law school; this is a t-shirt shop.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Oh, my vagina's out.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
New girl, what's in a real boob?
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
We're in fuckin' seaside bitch, let's go to fuckin' Karma!
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I will pee in a bush, poop in a bush, and hide in a bush.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
You don't come in on Sunday with a banana and expect everything to be peaches.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I just made a run, whore.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I'm just really, really excited to be back in Seaside. This is, like, gorilla juicehead, guido heaven.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
If Deena was a holiday, she'd definitely be Thanksgiving because she's got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
V:Supposedly [the hamburger meat] is 80 lean, 20 fat. Kinda like my women. P:I thought it was the other way around.
– Vinny and Pauly DRead the Recap »
You never know what happens when you put a little cherry vodka in Deena Nicole's blood.
– DeenaRead the Recap »
"Cowboy hat" is probably another term for Deena's kooka.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Do I really want to do this right now? Does The Situation want to get situated right now? ... And the answer is, day one, I have to pull the eject button.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I am not fucking any of my roommates, therefore I should not be cleaning up after their shit.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
Don't come over to someone's house at fucking 5 a.m. and expect to just to watch them play checkers.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
He got rejected, and then he makes it like, 'Oh she's a grenade,' but he tried and tried and tried. I didn't have to try. I never had to try. You're in fucking bed with Pauly D.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
[Of J-WOWW] She looks so good, she looks like the ultimate stripper.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
It's like a war zone out here. All grenades.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
[Of Sammi] I used to beat girls like that up in high school.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
Back in the day, they had the prophecy: That one day there would be a pimp of all pimps, and his name would be The Situation.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
What I would love to find is a guido-juicehead with my personality, my style, and is not a cheater. Can I find that somewhere, because I am not going to go on Match.com again.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Angelina probably left the swiss cheese in the car because we all know that rats love cheese.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Samantha has no shame in her game at all. She's great in bed, and then the next thing you know she is eating an egg sandwich with MVP. You know, you can't find them like that these days.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I think Angelina loves my sloppy seconds, 'cause she goes to Vinny, and because she's trying to go to what's-his-name. Like, what are you doing? If you want to make out with me, just ask. I will say yes.
– SnookieRead the Recap »
Shut your mouth, you dirty little hamster.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I think Angelina is a pathetic person. I get with Vinny, she gets with Vinny. I get with Dennis, she tries to get with Dennis. It's like, you love my sloppy seconds.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
[Of Snooki] She thinks she's a big shot right now, putting on a show for everybody in the house like she's some kind of tough bitch all of a sudden.
– AngelinaRead the Recap »
Angelina is the Staten Island ferry: everybody gets a ride and it's free.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
You never want to have no chicks, so the best thing to do is line up a bunch of chicks.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
She's not a girl you take home and smash one night. She's like a wifey type: some girl you take home to your mother.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
After all this, "I feel bad. I have a boyfriend." What?! You should have felt bad at the club when I was grabbin' up on your ass.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
There's hair extensions, there's fingernails, there's a tuna fish sandwich. It's like World War III went down last night.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
José's takin' Angelina on a number of dates, buying her a Fossil watch — I don't know how much it was, $39.99, $49.99 — the man should be smashed.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Nothing like a nice herpe to ruin the party.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
[Of Vinny's eye problems] You know what I think it is? Your eyebrows are so bushy, they collect so much more bacteria than normal eyebrows would.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I'm not ready to perform right now. I'm like a Ferrari: I'm high maintenance.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
It's like putting, like, a watermelon, into, like, a pinhole.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
Right away, I know it's either Snookie or Jenni [who wrote the anonymous note]. But then I read the letter and I see the word "wisely," and I know Snooki doesn't use that kind of vocabulary.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I'm definitely not a saint. If I probably walked through church, I'd fucking burst into flames, to be honest with you.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I don’t like tests. That's why I didn't go to college. Don't test me, because I will fail a majority of the time.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
Now, he doesn't want to miss out, but at the same time he doesn't want to give up his cookie. And that's Sam. You need to give up the cookie, son, so you can find another one. I'm eating chocolate chip cookies every night, dog.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
It's definitely a different look out here in Miami. There's a lot of people out here in shape. So you need to be on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA. Say that five times.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
At one particular point, I remember, I was in the jacuzzi and I finally put some water on my face, and I was like "AH! We got grenades, man." And I'm looking at Pauly like, "Do you know we are in the midst of grenades right now? Do you know we are at the zoo?"
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Jenni's tits definitely defy gravity. I think Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and work it around Jenni's tits.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
Ronnie's new nickname now is I.F.F. I.F.F. is the "I'm Fucked Foundation." He's a client and the president.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I don't care if you talk shit about me. Talk shit about me all you want, but if you talk about my girls, my boyfriend or my family, that's when I'm going to fuck you up.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I got the fresh-to-death kicks on. I got some jeans on. And I got the shirt, but I ain't wearing the shirt when I go out. This is the shirt before the shirt.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
It's weird, you know what I mean? We're ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, and we're hanging out with each other, and like, you know, it's a little awkward bro. It's not Saved By The Bell. We're not fucking Zack and Kelly, you know. It's weird.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I can't stand this weather. You can't get tan in this weather. You can't creep in this weather. You cantt do anything.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I don't go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10-percent tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain would never put a 10-percent tax on tanning because he's pale and he would probably want to be tan. Obama doesn't have that problem, obviously.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I feel like a pilgrim from the freaking 20’s washing this shit right now.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
There's definitely a possibility of me leaving the shore with, possibly, a date for the rest of the holidays. "Hey Ma, this is my new girlfriend for the next couple of months until I break up with her when summer starts."
– The SituationRead the Recap »
We stayed boys throughout this whole thing. This bond that we share brings us together and no one can ever take that away from us, ever. We take that with us for life, that bond. ... That was deep. That was fucking deep.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Down here at the shore, one minute you got three girls in the jacuzzi, next minute, somebody's in jail and you have to bail them out.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
It's juicehead central now. I'm in heaven.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
A juicehead is a hot, Italian, tan guy. Typically muscle-y and loves working out. You know, lookin' buff.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
I'm not trashy, unless I drink too much.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
[Of Sammi] I closed that deal a long time ago, bro. I already got the title for that closing.
– Ronnie
Read the Recap »
If you leave, I'm going to stuff your fucking nose with tampons.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
S:You have no game at all. V:Really? That's not what your sister thinks.
– The Situation and VinnyRead the Recap »
S:I like clothes like my women: Options. P:You like your girls like your underwear: Dirty.
– The Situation and Pauly DRead the Recap »
You better grab your girl tight when I'm around, 'cause I know she's grillin' me.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
How do you get the best results? GTL, baby. Gym. Tan. Laundry. Because if everything's put together, you feel great, you look great: awesome night.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
When we're out on the battlefield, I'm like the first strike, you know?
– The SituationRead the Recap »
Unbelievable, huh Snooks? It's so hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
My hair is wind-proof, water-proof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair is bullet proof. I'm not willing to try that.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
That's why I don't eat freaking lobster or anything like that, because they’re alive when you kill it. That's disgusting.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
First impressions are everything. So, you got to stay fresh to death, I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
We're beating up the beat. That's what we say when we are doing our fist pump.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, you know, one of your buddy takes it first.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
R:Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
That's what I like. A good guy and a jerk off, it's all in the same.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
At first I was all about like "I'm not gonna shit where I sleep." But, I mean, for her I'll roll around in my shit all day.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
Honestly, like, I'm sick. When you're sick, like, honestly, like.
– AngelinaRead the Recap »
I'm a bartender. I do, like, you know, great things.
– AngelinaRead the Recap »
In a weird Snookers world, me and Snookers would make the best little guidos and guidettes. Little poofs and blowouts on our little kids.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
Your girlfriend over here hooked up with my boy, and she was feeling me the whole time.
– The SituationRead the Recap »
My only rule: Never fall in love at the Jersey shore. Never ever. Ever. Ever.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I was born and raised a guido. It's just a lifestyle. It's being Italian, it's representing family, friends, tanning, gel, everything.
– Pauly DRead the Recap »
I'm definitely a generational Italian. Guys with the blowouts and the fake tans, and a guy wearing lip gloss and make up. Those aren't guidos.
– VinnyRead the Recap »
I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
– J-WOWWRead the Recap »
I'm ready to party, get out there. Let's get filthy, creepy, and weird.
– RonnieRead the Recap »
I want to marry a guido. My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a nice, juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life.
– SnookiRead the Recap »
You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to someone who looks like Rambo pretty much with his shirt off?
– The SituationRead the Recap »
I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but do not fuck with me.
– SammiRead the Recap »
How do you go into a fucking jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini. That's a little bit more classier, if you are going to wear anything at all.
– AngelinaRead the Recap »