Attack of the Indiezilla

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The recurring advice we got from everyone who went their own way was delegate, delegate, delegate! You don't necessarily need a coordinator, but you do need a support team to lighten your load. Dave and Gio, two Brooklyn-based friends of ours, got married on a beach in Martha's Vineyard-the groom showed up in a rowboat; the bride descended the cliff's steps in an orange-gold slip dress-all without a bridal party or planner. "We liked the vibe of our wedding but regretted not doling out more responsibilities to friends and family," explains Dave. "Up to the last minute, we were fielding questions on our cell phones. In the middle of everything, we had to pay the band. We definitely would've preferred not to worry about those details and be more in the moment."

Native New Yorker Jen delegated like a champ: She had a friend design the invite and then threw a big drinks party where guests decorated each one individually. She also hosted a crafts day and had her girlfriends help decorate flowerpots for the table arrangements. Another friend baked the cake, and still another designed the ketubah. And as for her mother? "I wanted to make her happy. She had thought about this day more than I had and was convinced it wouldn't be a wedding without poached salmon," says Jen. "It was my husband's idea to leave her in charge of food and not question what she did-even if it was fancier than I would've liked." So Jen killed two birds with one stone, knocking a major thing off her to-do list and keeping her mother happy in the process.

Ah, yes, the delicate sensibilities of the family. Although conflicts between indie couples may be rare, conflicts with their parents can be a whole other story. The nontraditional event is not for those who can't stand up to their nearest and dearest. Not the case with Beth and Ben. "I never thought I'd get married," says Beth, an Englishwoman in New York who fell for a local. But although she and Ben planned to spend their lives together without ever tying the knot, they caved for legal reasons. "I wasn't interested in a dress or ring, but since we were going through with it anyway, we wanted to have a big cocktail party." That meant five-foot subs and pool and drink tickets at their favorite downtown bar-after a stop-off at City Hall. "My stepmother was appalled," says Beth. "She told me I was making a mockery of marriage. And I can't tell you how many times my co-workers cried, 'What! You're not wearing a dress?!' "

Ben believes most people have been raised to think that if you're going to get married, you have to follow "the rules." He says, "We wanted to show people that it's more fun if you do it your own way." Adds Beth: "As a feminist, I've always questioned the expected roles of women in society, so in a way it felt like a political statement."

But Bare, the DIY-weddings author, questions whether a wedding is the place to make political waves. "Your wedding day is a weird combination of being guest of honor and hostess, so it can be hard to find the right balance between making it your own and not offending others. That's why certain practices are in place: They take other people's feelings into account." Besides, she says, if you reject too many traditions, you start to think, Why am I even bothering with this heavily socially sanctioned thing? Do I want to be part of this rich, long tradition or not?

Which raises the big question about indie weddings: Does over-the-top personalization threaten to turn a wedding into a parody? According to Rob and Kim, the New York Times thinks so. When a friend nominated their wedding to be featured in "Sunday Styles," the paper called them for details. "After we described what our plans were, we were rejected," says Rob. "The reason we got was that their section is about weddings, not performance art."