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In Your Own Words

A speech cheat sheet for the nervous groom-to-be.

When I met name of bride while we were charitable volunteer activity at the location near where we both lived in downtrodden but charming neighborhood on the rebound , I was coincidentally thinking about one of my favorite lines by the great poet name of poet , who said, "words of great poetry ." Actually, I looked that up yesterday, because the second I saw bride , whatever knowledge I once possessed was replaced by stupefying adoration and total disbelief that someone so description of bride's beauty, description of bride's intelligence, and description of bride's kindness would want to spend time with me. (The first thing I said to her was "endearingly mangled basic expression"!) For the last time you've known each other months, I've felt like a character in one of those allergy-medication commercials where everyone just stands around in a sunny field smiling and talking about how glad they are that allergy medication cured their hay fever. So, to bride , who makes me happier than any hay-fever medication ever could, I love you! [Drink toast.] I'd also like to thank bride's father and bride's mother for passing along some superb genes to their daughter and raising her so well. Although I wish you could've gotten her to stop adorable personal quirk . I mean, unthreatening exclamation of displeasure ! Seriously, though, bride's mother put an incredible amount of time and effort into making this such a classy and beautiful event. I can't tell you how many times bride's mother and bride worked on the details after I'd wandered off to traditionally masculine but morally nonproblematic activity . To Mr. and Mrs. maiden name ! [Drink toast.] And, to my mom, who taught me long list of valuable life skills , and my dad, who taught me . [pause] . well, he taught me how to play sport you stopped playing ten-plus years ago , so I guess on a practical level, Mom was more useful, but what my dad really taught me was to keep trying until you get it right, even if all you're trying to do is say " aforementioned mangled expression " to a beautiful girl in setting where you met , which turns out to be the most important thing I've ever done. So Mom and Dad, thanks. I love you. [Drink toast.] And to everyone else, thank you for joining us today, and particular thanks to name of ne'er-do-well friend for managing not to comical breach of decorum for once. Cheers!

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