All's Well That Ends Well

A primer for modern-day manners.

• By Vanessa Grigoriadis
• Published Summer 2006

My fiancé's stepmom used to be best friends with his mom (um, take a guess how it all went down), and there are big-time hard feelings. How do I manage small events like a ladies' wedding shower while keeping these two women away from each other and not hurting anyone's feelings in the process?
Weddings are a time for getting over old gripes, though asking Mom to get over her best friend's marrying her husband might be a bit much. According to wedding planner Jill Gordon, the first thing to do is talk to both mothers and the dad in a group setting (it's your fiancé's family, so let him do all the talking). If that doesn't work, designate different events for different parents, but favor the mom. The stepmother won't get to be in the family photos but can have a portrait with you later in the day; for ceremony seating, the mother should be in the front row, and the stepmother and dad two rows behind her (in a Jewish ceremony, don't include the stepmother under the chuppa). Seat the ladies far from each other during the reception-thus diminishing the possibility that one will throw cake at the other.

Our wedding date falls on Rosh Hashanah, and a couple of people in my fiancé's family have objected. My fiancé insists it's no big deal for them to miss the holiday-I'm Christian, he's Jewish, but he wasn't even bar mitzvahed and his family isn't particularly religious either. Should we change our date or make them choose?
There's a phrase in the Jewish tradition: Don't mingle your joys. With this in mind, Rosh Hashanah and a wedding aren't compatible, since you're asking guests to choose between two sacred days. Says Rabbi Sarah Reines of Central Synagogue, "You might think, My guests aren't really Jewish-I've seen them eat lobster, and they don't observe Shabbat, but they may have celebrated Rosh Hashanah at their mother's home for the past twenty years." Your only out is calling Jewish guests to ask if they're willing to attend your wedding on that date-if so, go for it.

I've heard of setting up a registry with your caterer, photographer, and musicians-you just print the info on your invitation, and voilà, all those wedding-payment blues are gone! But is this in bad taste?
Yup, it's true: There are Websites that let you register for all these services and more-if so inspired, you can even register for the plane tickets and airport parking for your honeymoon. But this latest gift trend, which started as a marketing ploy by money-hungry vendors eager to have brides agree to more lavish packages than they can afford, should be seen for what it is-yet another way to separate the modern bride from her money. Says Jeanne Hamilton, author of Wedding Etiquette Hell: "Things get even crazier than these kinds of registries-I heard about a bride who sent an invoice for $400, the cost of empty seats, to a couple that didn't show up to her wedding. Another bride invoiced a guest for the difference between the value of her gift and the amount of her place setting." The bottom line: Restrain yourselves!