MOST RECENT ARTICLES BY:

Brian Boone

  1. An Excerpt from ‘Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your […]How to Pick the Perfect Blood Diamond for Your Engagement Ring So, the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment, and you’ve […]
  2. I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas GardnerHey Sandra, Just wanted to say I can’t wait for our blind date this Friday! I’ll see you 7 o’ clock sharp at Maguire’s Pub. Since you don’t […]
  3. An Excerpt from ‘TITLE 13,’ by Michael A. Ferro Thirty-seven pages of highly classified TITLE 13 material were reported missing at the Chicago Regional Census Center on Wednesday […]
  4. A Celebrity Profile That’s Only Descriptions of What They Were Wearing, If […] Grace Schoeppner looks as if she has just stepped out of a dictionary, the one she occupies as the definition of the word “chic.” Floating […]
  5. So I Prefer a More Form-Fitting, European Cut on My Tailored Outerwear. […]Oh, am I causing a scene? Is this too much? Maybe you’re fine with the absolute bare minimum of quality when it comes to your wardrobe. Maybe […]
  6. the humor section
    You Hit the Paywall, You Stupid F***ing Idiot, by Brian AglerDid you forget that journalism costs money?
  7. Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm My Dearest Clyde, I lay pen to pixelated paper on day 487,000 of this desolate bloodshed. Every treacherous battle is the same. My brethren […]
  8. How to Stay Friends Once Your Girlfriends Settle Down with Their Pet […] Growing up is difficult. We all reach adulthood at different points. For me personally, a lot of my friendships started to change at that […]
  9. Wonka, Inc. Quarterly Report, by Patrick Muncie To: The Board of Directors and Shareholders of Wonka Chocolates and Confections, Inc. From: Charles “Charlie” Bucket, Chairman and […]
  10. I Have Created the World’s First Top Hat; All You Small-Hatted Dullards […] Hear me. Hear me, you worms who do not yet know the extent of your own inferiority. I know that you can see me (for how could you not?), but […]
  11. Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton Patti Fight Club (1999) Wings (Seasons 1-3) Deborah Sanchez (Got a way better job at Hulu) Matchstick Men (2003) Sam Patterson (Refuses […]
  12. Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, by Bizzy CoyAmerica, do you like feel-good or feel-bad reality TV? Do you enjoy an unending parade of children being told they’re talented or not talented […]
  13. KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated) vs. […] ’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court, I now offer this argument sounding in tort: My client, Miss Kramer, and others […]
  14. The Best Comedy Books of 2017 Do you like volumes of comic essays that you’ll end up reading entirely in one sitting? How about amusingly embarrassing memoirs, […]
  15. UNZIPits: The Pants That Were Designed to Be Left Unzipped, by Sarah Hutto UNZIPits were born out of the all-too-common struggle to capture the effortless charm of the unzipped pant while avoiding having the cops […]
  16. How to Be Good at Comedy, by Johnny G: Comedian and Owner of House of […] So you’re funny around the water cooler, huh? You think you got what it takes to make it big in showbiz? Well, take some notes and listen […]
  17. Help, I’m Bobby Brown and I’m Stuck in This VHS Copy of ‘A Goofy Movie,’ […] Sheesh, am I ever glad you showed up! I’ve spent 22 years stuck here in this plastic purgatory, All the way down here at the bottom of the […]
  18. See Fewer Posts Like This, by Liz Arcury Why Are You Hiding This Post Today? • This post is offensive • This post threatens harm • This post proposes the notion that Adam […]
  19. Another Email About the Tax Brochure from “Jazz Guy” at Work, by Jeffrey […] From the top: Hey, this is Dorian from the tax department — we met last Thursday at the BEPS conference downstairs (I was the one whose silk […]
  20. I’m So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such a Mess, by Ben HargraveOh, wow, this is quite embarrassing. I’m so sorry about all the clutter. Of course, I obviously knew you, Dom, and the kids were coming over […]
  21. A Pairing Menu for Works of Postmodern Literature and Appropriate […] The paranoia-inducing The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon is best paired with a room temperature watermelon wine cooler, which should […]
  22. An Excerpt from ‘Paul Ryan Magazine’: Proust Questionnaire, by Anna Heyward Paul Ryan is the unofficial magazine of the Speaker of the House, brought to you by the team behind The Neu Jorker. Edited by James H. Folta […]
  23. Your Daughter Appears to Be Our Daughter’s Kindergänger, So Now We Have […] Hello, and come in, please! We’re so glad you accepted our invitation to lunch. Can I get you some water or iced tea? We might have a beer or […]
  24. Excerpts from Frankie Muniz’s Autobiography That Make Me Think It Was […] I remember the day my mom got the call that I landed the part of Malcom in Malcom in the Middle. She was grinning from ear to ear when she […]
  25. Congratulations, You Have Been Invited To Hawktoberfest, by Dan Caprera Dear Mr. Kensington, It is with great joy that I tender to you my deepest and sincerest “congratulations.” Over the past few decades, you […]
  26. The Writers’ Room: A Documentary, by Matt Corluka Imagine a place with the musical genius of Jared Leto and the geological wonder of the La Brea Tar Pits. Two conflicting entities: One sucks […]
  27. Unsatisfactory Past Life Regression Results, by Shana Gohd I’d like to begin by thanking you for choosing our Past Life Regression services over similar, albeit less-experienced, providers available. […]
  28. Trump’s ‘Sweet Valley High’ Spec Novel Notes, by Kit Lively Donna is a smart, beautiful, popular girl. Really, really big boobs, maybe? But they let her be head cheerleader anyway, because she can do […]
  29. Out of Office Replies for These Political Times, by Kimberly Harrington I’m sorry I missed your e-mail. As you may have heard, women are no longer allowed to use computers so I’ve actually missed every single […]
  30. The Harrowing, True Story of When I Lost My Wallet at the Farmer’s Market, […] MORNING: MY ROUTINE I wake up in my Brooklyn apartment, put my Pomeranian in her sweater, take the elevator downstairs, and avoid eye […]
  31. These Niche Podcasts Were Made For You! by Brian Alexander TO: mikeymilwaukee33@gmail.com Marginally Attractive Men in Milwaukee. Do you live in Milwaukee? Do you consider yourself a man who’s at […]
  32. ‘Raising Hope’ Is Where Silly Comedy Meets Genuine HumanityThere’s been so much variety of good comedy TV in the past few years that it’s dumb to pick a sub-genre. Smart and edgy shows like Silicon […]
  33. I Invented the World’s First Menstruating Drone, by Adrienne Teeley If you would have told me 30 years ago that I, Dr. Ted Montgomery, would end up as one of the most lauded and influential robotics engineers […]
  34. Welcome to the Hayden Panettierium, by Kathryn Doyle Thank you for visiting the Hayden Panettierium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space at the American Museum of Natural History. I, […]
  35. An Excerpt from ‘The Best American Emails,’ by Amanda MeadowsYou’re Invited to a Screening of ~HOCKEY JERKS~ To: amandasjunkmail@ymail.com From: thescreenery@screenery.film Subject: You’re Invited to a […]
  36. My Imaginary Boyfriend Josh, by Hana Michels My grandfather has gotten to that point where he knows he is not going to live forever. In most people’s cases, this is a time to revisit […]
  37. Thanks For Looking After My Five-Headed Bat-Like Creature While I’m Away […] Thanks for taking care of Giuseppe while I’m away on vacation, Shaun. Especially on such short notice! Sarah, the girl who works in business […]
  38. The Keynote Address at the Association for Aspiring Plumbers, by Chris […] I’m glad to see so many young people here with an interest in pursuing a career in plumbing. However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that […]
  39. On the Eve of a Grand Space Voyage, by Jeremy Freeze Good evening, distinguished members of the world’s first interplanetary exploration team. As you prepare both physically and mentally for the […]
  40. Letter of Recommendation, by Barbara Holm In my efforts to search for a new job, I’ve solicited a letter of recommendation from someone who knows me best. To Whom It May Concern, I […]
  41. FAQs About the New Health Care Law’s “Tremendous Vampire Bats” Mandate, by […] Will the “tremendous vampire bats” mandate affect me and my family? Perhaps. President Trump’s replacement health care law requires every […]
  42. An Excerpt from ‘Away with Words,’ by Joe BerkowitzWe’ve now reached the pun solstice, the verbal equinox. The Henry Pun-Off is six months away, a comfortably far-off X in next year’s calendar. […]
  43. Please Support the Patreon for ‘McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’ If you read a site like Splitsider, chances are you also read—and/or have submitted your original work to—McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, […]
  44. The Complete Oral History of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Fictionalized […] The following is the complete oral history of Francis Scott Key’s “The Star Spangled Banner.” Certain quotes and other elements have been […]
  45. An Excerpt from ‘Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of […] WHAT WILL TODDLERS EAT? Food used to be one of your top five things—remember brunch?—but toddlers ruin food. You try to serve them […]
  46. Of Lamestains and Wack Slacks: The Elaborate Joke That Was Grunge-SpeakIn 1992, the rock bands of the Seattle “grunge scene” won over Americans’ hearts and minds, overtaking slick and cheesy metal groups from the […]
  47. My Husband Tim, Who Is My Husband, by Jamie Loftus In case you did not receive my embossed card in the tangible mail, this is a digital copy of a photograph of me and also of my husband Tim, […]
  48. I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an […] To the good people of my town, I would like to apologize, again, for the unfortunate incident in which I am sorry to have been involved two […]
  49. I Stand Vigilant Before Master’s Sarcophagus and Yet Heroes Keep Breaking […] For centuries, I have had the honor of protecting Master’s sarcophagus. I stand motionless, and am surrounded by dust; by rot; by a silence […]
  50. The Lunches My Child Has Been Served at School Can’t Possibly Be the […] As a parent, nothing is more important to me than the health and well-being of my child. From studying the labels on Caiden’s favorite snacks […]
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