Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the Daddyhunt Dilettante: 24, male, writer and graduate student, East Village, gay and unattached.
DAY ONE
9 a.m.: I see my straight Israeli neighbor in the hallway. He’s cranky and a tad rude, which makes me want him even more.
3:30 p.m.: My boss IMs me and wants me to come to her office. I have an erection, so I bring a legal pad with me. She immediately tells me she just wants to chat and I don’t need a pad. Little does she know…
6 p.m.: I meet a friend who’s visiting the city for dinner. He’s with a bunch of guys. What a disappointment: None of them are hot; one is beyond annoying.
10 p.m.: We go out for drinks after dinner. One of the guys’ boyfriends meets us there. I flirt with him.
11:45 p.m.: I go home and masturbate to a shirtless Marlon Brando.
DAY TWO
6:45 p.m.: I log on to Daddyhunt and exchange e-mails with a guy I’ve seen online many times before. He’s a fairly accomplished writer and wants to meet for a drink. My last breakup was nine months ago and I’m just starting to date again, so I agree to go.
9:45 p.m.: I plan to meet the guy from Daddyhunt at a stuffy bar of his choosing … in Chelsea.
9:50 p.m.: As I wait, a guy my age traveling with a pack of girls gives me the up/down and says, “Cute.” I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not.
10:05 p.m.: The idiot from Daddyhunt finally shows up, and he’s insufferable. He’s 53, doesn’t make eye contact with me, hardly says a word, and rolls his eyes at most things that I say.
10:10 p.m.: And I can’t stop staring at his snaggletooth.
10:11 p.m.: Another uncomfortable pause, he slams down his drink and tells me it was nice meeting me and runs away. I’ve just been rejected be someone I couldn’t stand.
11:10 p.m.: I get a long-winded rejection e-mail from the guy as soon as I get home. I take the high road and say it was nice meeting him.
11:15 p.m.: I log on to AIM and talk to an ex who’s now a close friend to make myself feel better. It works.
1 a.m.: I do a shot, masturbate, and go to bed.
DAY THREE
10:05 a.m.: A musician that I met at a bar in March and hooked up with a few times posts a party invite on MySpace. I’m excited until I see his profile: He’s in a relationship now.
11 p.m.: I reluctantly go out with a friend. Flirt with a bartender who’s covered in tattoos. Meet a nice guy while my friend’s in the bathroom. We exchange numbers.
12:15 a.m.: My friend comes home with me. We hook up, and he spends the night.
DAY FOUR
8 a.m.: My friend and I make out for a while. He leaves.
9 a.m.: I log on to Daddyhunt. A ripped single dad has e-mailed me.
11 a.m.: I go to Trader Joe’s, and the cashier is gorgeous.
8 p.m.: I go to a reading of a play I wrote and only can focus on one of the actors in the reading. I’m somewhat obsessed with him, but he’s had a boyfriend for years.
11:45 p.m.: The single dad wants to meet. He asks if I’d like to “ski.” I say no and sign off.
Midnight: A very well-known writer e-mails me on Daddyhunt. This is the third or fourth time. He’s fairly overweight, is almost 70, and I hate his books, but it’s tempting. If I stroke him, he very well may stroke me.
12:15 a.m.: Decide against prostituting myself to get ahead for the time being. I go to bed.
DAY FIVE
3 p.m.: I browse for men on MySpace and Facebook. Many hot guys, but I feel tacky sending messages on these sites.
3:45 p.m.: I consider buying a month subscription to an online porn site.
3:50 p.m.: I subscribe. I masturbate three times to different videos. Money well spent.
8 p.m.: Go out to dinner in Hell’s Kitchen. Eye candy is everywhere.
11 p.m.: My friend from out of town wants to go to Splash Bar. I go.
2:45 a.m.: A drunk all-American type guy starts grinding me and says, “Yo, Williamsburg. Let’s play football.” I’m incredibly offended. He thinks I live in Williamsburg.
3:15 a.m.: My friend reassures me I don’t look like I live in Williamsburg.
3:20 a.m.: We wind up at another bar. The bartender is very cute and seems into me. He doesn’t charge me.
4:15 a.m.: I masturbate while thinking about the bartender.
DAY SIX
10 a.m.: I’m hung-over. I make the most of my porn subscription. I watch but don’t masturbate.
12:15 p.m.: A guy I met a few weeks ago calls me. We have lunch.
3 p.m.: He comes over, we have sex.
4 p.m.: He hangs around, we make out off and on. He tastes like cigarettes. I try not to gag.
10 p.m.: I sign on to Gay.com. I meet a few cute guys; two want to meet up sometime during the week.
DAY SEVEN
5 p.m.: A guy at the gym stares at me. I stare at him. It gets old; we go our separate ways.
8 p.m.: A tall guy paces near me on the subway platform. He’s beautiful. He keeps looking at me.
8:30 p.m.: The tall guy and I get off at the same stop. We hold eye contact until we head in different directions. I suck at this.
1 a.m.: I can’t sleep so I go out to a bar downstairs for a bit. A totally hot guy I see often sits next to me and we chat.
1:45 a.m.: He leaves for the bathroom, and the guy on the other side of me starts talking. He doesn’t shut up. The hot guy leaves with his drink, and I’m stuck listening to the boring guy.
3:15 a.m.: I can’t get out of this conversation. I suck at this, too.
3:40 a.m.: I’m now drunk out of necessity. We end up making out. He’s a fine kisser.
4:15 a.m.: We have to leave. We make out again, part ways. I go home and log on to Manhunt and Craigslist.
Total: Two acts of intercourse, five acts of masturbation, three make-out sessions, one indecent erection, and one porn subscription.
