the other team must suffer

The Evil People Who Are Attempting to Take What Is Rightfully Ours: New England Patriots Edition

Not Derek Jeter.

Part of being a true fan of a team involves a stubborn refusal to understand that the other team has fans of its own who care about their team as much as you care about yours. Impossible! The other team is nothing more than Opponent. When you are watching on Sunday afternoon, all you want to know is: How do we kill these guys? Whom do we boo? Die, humans wearing different colors than the colors to which I have grown accustomed to cheering!

We are here to help. With a slight nod to Drew Magary’s Why Your Team Sucks series, we want to give you three people to scream at on the television every Sunday, peppering Cheetos flecks in every direction. The Jets play the New England Patriots at the Meadowlands at 1 p.m. on Sunday. Here’s whom to boo on the Patriots.

Bill Belichick. The Patriots coach has been called many things. Cheater. Egotist. Defiler of married women. Cheater. Sex-tape maker. Schlumpy wearer of hoodies. Karaoke crooner. A “surly dick.” (That one’s from Michael Showalter.) Big Brother. Cheater. Destructor of Despayre. We are not saying that all of these things are true. We are saying that Bill Belichick has been called those things. Often. By many, many people.

Tom Brady. In Boston, they like to think that Tom Brady is their version of Derek Jeter. No, really, they totally think that. Well. Derek Jeter would never knock up a model and have it turn up in the tabloids. Derek Jeter would never allow this picture to be taken. (And definitely not this one.) Derek Jeter would never blow off Suzy Kolber. They do both root for Michigan, though.

Vince Wilfork. That person cutting out the knees of Leon Washington and hitting Mark Sanchez after the whistle, in the back of the head, with a shovel? That’s Wilfork, who once got an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty for coughing. (Not true.) Wilfork is massive: six foot two, 325 pounds. In the movies, guys like that are gentle giants, amiable folk who own ironic flower shops, or befriend children, or have lots of pets. This is not the movies. Vince Wilfork is big, huge, and nasty.

The Evil People Who Are Attempting to Take What Is Rightfully Ours: New England Patriots Edition