the other team must suffer

The Evil People Who Are Attempting to Take What Is Rightfully Ours: Buffalo Bills Edition

Part of being a true fan of a team involves a stubborn refusal to understand that the other team has fans of its own who care about their team as much as you care about yours. Impossible! The other team is nothing more than Opponent. When you are watching on Sunday afternoon, all you want to know is: How do we kill these guys? Whom do we boo? Die, humans wearing different colors than the colors for which I have grown accustomed to cheering!

We are here to help. With a slight nod to Drew Magary’s Why Your Team Sucks series, we want to give you three people to scream at on the television every Sunday, peppering Cheetos flecks in every direction. The Jets play the Buffalo Bills at Giants Stadium at 4:15 p.m. on Sunday. Here’s whom to boo on the Bills.

Terrell Owens. OK, so everybody hates Terrell Owens; even Peter King hates Terrell Owens, and that guy probably finds something lovable about Glenn Beck. But this year, Owens has been quiet, respectful and even a little humble. He seems to enjoy the quiet poverty ‘burg that Buffalo has become. Fittingly, the one year Owens behaves is the year his team is truly terrible — and he’s not playing so hot himself — denying him the redemption story he so desperately wants. Frankly, it’s difficult to hate anyone on Buffalo — a wonderful football city in serious danger of losing its sole source of civic pride — so Owens is a default choice. Fortunately, the Bills might trade Owens to a contender, and we can go back to despising him in relative peace.

Donte Whitner. The Bills defensive end safety was arrested last April for a confrontation with police in Cleveland. Not only was he was arrested, he was tased, which is always fun. Apparently there was a big fight at 3 a.m. after a birthday party for Dolphins wide receiver Ted Ginn Jr., and Whitner was in the middle of it. The highlight:

Police were called about 3 a.m., when patrons started fighting. Whitner was told to step away from the unruly crowd. He pushed passed officers who tried to restrain him. He took a “fighting stance” and was shocked with the Taser, Stacho said.

The best part about this? The celebration was at the House of Blues. Can’t football players get in a trouble at strip clubs, as is the custom? We are certain Jim Belushi was somehow involved.

The Wilson Family. Ralph Wilson is one of the most beloved figures in professional football, a 91-year-old recent inductee to the Hall of Fame who helped build the Bills into one of the NFL’s signature franchises while the town around it crumbled. (He does lose points for having Chris Berman introduce him at Canton, though, to his credit, Berman was considerably more sedate than usual.) Unfortunately, Wilson is 91, and when he does eventually shuffle off this mortal coil, the fear is that his family, less enraptured with the franchise than they are of massive profit, would move the team, perhaps to Toronto (where the Bills already play two games a season), or perhaps somewhere even more objectionable. If the Bills left Buffalo, the NFL would lose a large chunk of whatever soul it has left. Is there any way to figure out how to keep Wilson alive forever? (Don’t say “Alcor.”)

The Evil People Who Are Attempting to Take What Is Rightfully Ours: Buffalo Bills Edition