I’ve spent the last little while shopping the world wide web for Giants Super Bowl merchandise, and let me first just say that the available NON–Super Bowl merchandise is quite impressive. I’ve never really explored the world of sports-branded items, but you can find ANYTHING. Why examine last night’s rainfall without being reminded of your beloved Giants? Or do lady yoga? Do you want to keep your food fresh and also infused with the delicious flavors of the Giants? Go for it. “But my food is square-shaped!” you cry. Not a problem. Should you need a lawn gnome or a lady lawn gnome, the Giants have you covered. If those lawn gnomes are not sporty or bellicose enough for your lawn’s sensibilities, worry not. And, of course, everybody needs a tree-face wearing a Giants hat. I can’t believe you just had a regular old tree-face until now. What were you thinking? More important, what kind of impression were you giving your neighbors?
But anyway, the stakes have been raised. The Giants are now Super Bowl champions once more, and your belongings must all be upgraded to reflect that. Sorry, but you wouldn’t want people being all like, “Wait, is that just a plain Giants mesh zip hoodie? I thought they won the Super Bowl and were champions!”
Here are items of merchandise you must purchase to assure that everybody knows that you are a fan of the New York Giants and the New York Giants are Super Bowl Champions:
- You must get a shirt. There are many shirts available, but you should probably get the ugliest of the shirts so people notice and remember that the Giants won the Super Bowl.
- Your dog obviously needs a shirt, too, not to mention a bandanna so people know the Giants are Super Bowl Champions when he’s working on his car and stuff.
- That place where you put your car is no longer your parking spot. It now belongs to any member of the Giants who wishes to use it. Sorry. You’ll get it back when you’re a Super Bowl Champion.
- While we’re at it, what street do you live on? I don’t actually care. The point is that it’s Champions Drive now, and you should probably label it as such.
- Ladies, you better not get caught walking around with a plain old hoodie purse. You’re a fan of the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, and your hoodie purse ought to reflect that. Yes, we know you need a bigger hoodie purse for greater cargo loads. That’s why we made you a hoodie duffel bag. You’re welcome. We’re looking into hoodie suitcases and trunks, but they haven’t arrived yet.
- When you’re occupied with chopping vegetables, it’s easy to let your mind wander from the fact that the New York Giants are Super Bowl Champions. We can eliminate that problem with ease.
- You know that lamp on your bedside table? The one that rotates? Does it not like the Giants? Does it not care that they are Super Bowl Champions? What’s the deal?
- Your walls need attention. They need a photo of Ahmad Bradshaw semi-purposely scoring a touchdown. They need a sticker shaped like a state in which the Super Bowl Champion Giants do not play. Or, if you’re a coward, you can just put up a plastic sign.
- Your car needs a decal, and said decal needs to sense motion, and when it does sense motion, it needs to illuminate the message that the NEW YORK GIANTS are SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, lest fellow motorists forget that.
- Do not let your baby creep in locker rooms without a New York Giants Super Bowl Champions Locker Room Creeper. You do love your baby and want him or her to be a champion, don’t you?
No Super Bowl Champion tree-faces or lawn gnomes have been manufactured just yet, so you’ll just have to redress the ones you already have. Apologies for the inconvenience.