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And How You Buy It Is Very 21st-Century, Too

Dos and don'ts for first-timers (from a helpful female delivery dealer).

Illustration by Mark Nerys  

1. Make sure you have a fucking buzzer and tell us if it doesn’t work. If you have a doorman, please don’t give us a fake name.

2. Have your money ready! I don’t want to wait around while you scramble for it.

3. If you can’t wait two hours for me to show up, I feel sorry for you. Don’t text and harass. You wait an hour for shitty Chinese food; wait for your weed. People in Manhattan are so fucking impatient.

4. Wear clothes. I’ve seen saggy boxer shorts, boobs, breast-feeding mothers. I’ve seen everything short of genitals.

5. If your door guy is problematic, make sure you tell him you are expecting a visitor.

6. If you live with people and you go out before I arrive, tell someone. It’s the worst when roommates or even kids or partners are like, “Who the fuck are you?”

7. Buy in bulk if you can. I often serve college kids who are clearly using their parents’ money and they call every day. Every day! And they buy one each time. Have a little self-control or just buy it all from me at once. I have one customer who I see five times a week. He just buys one each time and barely talks to me. He’s very awkward. No eye contact. Just mumbles.

8. I’m not your friend. I have relationships with a few clients, but you need to keep a distance. They usually ignore me if they see me on the street, or they look at me as if they just saw a zoo animal. I have definitely had weird interactions with dudes (I would never hook up with a customer), but I don’t like interacting with men in New York period. They are a different breed.

9. Don’t shout “Thank you!” when I leave. I don’t have a food bag. The money is the thank-you. Don’t be so obvious.

10. If there’s a blizzard, consider tipping. In general tipping is not expected, but if I have walked on foot through the snow, it’s the polite thing to do. We were open during Sandy! It was hard because there was hardly any cell-phone coverage or transport, and many customers didn’t even tip!

11. Don’t call when you are having a party.

12. If your partner doesn’t know you smoke, get a new partner. Please don’t put me in the middle of that.

13. If you have kids, put them in another room. I had one guy who tried to get me to hide behind a Dumpster because he had his kids with him and he was involved in a custody battle. I’ve seen a woman bust open her daughter’s piggy bank to get cash to pay me.

14. Once I’m there, you gotta buy something. You can’t tell me you don’t like the selection I have to offer. It doesn't work like that. I have to be strong about that. It’s important to maintain your power.

15. When you send your initial text for us to come over, be cool. Just say “Can you come hang?” or “Can you come by?” Don’t use the words weed, pot, or marijuana, and don’t ask if I am a cop. Don’t use the word cop. Period. Don’t tell me you aren’t a cop. Just don’t say cop.

16. It’s nice to offer food or a drink, but not necessary. This happens a lot, I guess because stoners like to eat.

17. It’s nice to offer the restroom. I will always use it when offered and I hate to ask. I’ll admit, I’ve stolen tampons and Band-Aids. Hey, I’m out on the street all day. Once I was angry because the customer was late, wasted, and lippy, so I stole their elite pearl deluxe tampons when I used the restroom.

18. Don’t be too weird. I once visited a guy in Soho who had the most sterile, creepy apartment. He proudly informed me that he has cameras everywhere. I never went back.