Saturday Night in a Cab

Passengers Hillary and Michael.Photo: Christopher Anderson

10:55 p.m.
26th Street and Park Avenue
Monica*, 40; Laurie, 24; Rani, 36
Oleg Roitman, driver

What are you doing?
RANI: Celebrating my birthday. Dinner, and now we’re going to a party.

What kind of party?
MONICA: It’s an all-girl party. A lesbian party.

Are you all lesbians?
ALL: Yeah!
RANI: I don’t know if I want that in the magazine with my name. My mom would kill me.

How do you guys know each other?
LAURIE: Through Henrietta Hudson, a bar where I worked. [Rani and Monica] were both customers and ended up hooking up and now they’re—
RANI: Engaged!
MONICA: We’re getting married in Cancún in November.

OLEG: Okay, girls. Unfortunately for you, our trip is over. Don’t forget your stuff unless it contains a lot of food.

11:01 p.m.
Times Square
Brian, 28; Andrea, 25; Bryan, 26; Drew, 25
Beresford Simmons, driver

BRIAN: We’re going to a bar on 48th and Eighth. For a birthday party. You wanna come? We’ll bring a shot out to you. No, just kidding. I’ll probably never see you again.

Are you all friends?
ALL: Yes.

Brian and Andrea, are you boyfriend and girlfriend?
BRYAN: She’s his brother’s girlfriend.
BRIAN: We’re not interesting. I have twelve toes. That’s not true.

Who’s the birthday party for?
BRIAN: Some shady Russian.
BRYAN: He takes his shirt off all the time.

And after the party at the bar?
ANDREA: Go home and eat.
BRYAN: Hopefully get laid.

11:07 p.m.
73rd Street between First and Second Avenues
Kandace, 25; Bart, 25

OLEG: Guys, you are very lucky to ride in the best cab in New York City. Young lady, you are responsible to turn the stupid TV off.

Where are you coming from?
BART: Dinner at Primehouse.

You’re dating?
BOTH: Yes.

Where are you heading now?
KANDACE: His apartment.

For some good times?
BART: Some light reading.
KANDACE: Maybe a little Charlie Rose.

It seems early to be turning in. You’re not feeling the sexy time?
KANDACE: I mean, the mood could change …
OLEG: Listen, young man: If you’re not married, I have very bad news for you.
BART: What’s that?
OLEG: All good things come to their end.
KANDACE: Whoa, wow.
OLEG: If you started as a free man, sooner or later you will get married and your marital status will become “prisoner of war.”
KANDACE: You are not helping my case!
OLEG: When you get married, you will understand the meaning of the word hell. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

Are you ready to give up your freedom, Bart?
BART: That’s on the horizon, yes.
OLEG: Okay, guys. Unfortunately for you, our trip is over. You should give me a very, very, very big tip, otherwise the Russian Secret Service, KGB, will get you.

11:59 p.m.
Orchard and Delancey Streets
David, 32; Kristine, 30

I’m guessing you’re dating.
DAVID: We’re just good friends.
KRISTINE: Good friends.

Are you both straight?
BOTH: Yeah.

There’s no unresolved tension?
DAVID: No, there’s no tension. This is an interesting car ride.
KRISTINE: This is a very interesting conversation.
DAVID: It’s kind of fun, actually. Let’s keep going.

Are you going to get crazy tonight?
DAVID: I’m a bit of an old man, so I’m not sure. About one or two o’clock, I start yawning.

You guys said you’re doctors. Is there a healthy drink of choice for an M.D.?
KRISTINE: A healthy drink? I feel like red wine, right?
DAVID: Red wine! Of course! One glass of red wine a day. Exactly. You’re good. I would have said, like, Red Bull and vodka.

When you’re single, do more people want to date you because you’re doctors?
DAVID: Oh yeah.
KRISTINE: You know what? I think it’s different as a female and a male. DAVID: Oh my God.
KRISTINE: Depending on the guy, sometimes they might be a little intimidated? Not necessarily in New York, maybe, but in other places … It’s a pretty good setup for a guy though.
DAVID: You get offered all the time.

What do you mean you “get offered”?
KRISTINE: Yeah, what do you mean?
DAVID: You know what I’m talking about! Like, when you rotate through the emergency department and someone comes in drunk, they’re like, “Here’s my card in case you need anything.” It’s good! I’m sorry, it’s good to be a single male doctor in New York.

Is your class getting it on? Is it like Grey’s Anatomy?
DAVID: A little bit. It’s weird. There’s way too much drama.

Is there actually a room where …
KRISTINE: The Room! Yeah, there’s a call room.
DAVID: I don’t think …
KRISTINE: Hang on, David, do you use the call room?
DAVID: Oh, whoa …
KRISTINE: Shut up!
DAVID: Are we there yet?

Joe. Photo: Christopher Anderson

71st Street between Fifth and Madison Avenues
Rob and Nora, married

What do you do?
ROB: I’m an energy consultant.
NORA: I’m an investment banker—like, the scourge of the earth.

Where are you coming from?
NORA: A dinner party.
ROB: The most perfect form of entertainment; you can actually exchange ideas—hey, where are we going? We’re going to cross at 65th, right?!
NORA: Relax, Rob.

What was served at the dinner?
NORA: Mushroom soup and duck.
ROB: It was gorgeous.

Did you have good wine?
NORA: We had Champagne, Meursault, Pinot Gris from the Alsace, Pinot Noir, two bottles of aged California Cabernet …

How often do you guys go to dinner parties?
ROB: Very rarely. They’re a dying breed, unfortunately.

What was the party like?
NORA: It was fun. We listened to Buffalo Springfield, followed by Hendrix.rob: It was old-school.

Were there table topics?
ROB: Bank taxes.
NORA: More of: If you’re a banker, feeling like you’re one step above a serial murderer in the press.

You’re feeling stomped on as part of the banker class?
NORA: I am. I worked for a company that failed when nobody else failed. I lost everything. Now I work for a bank that didn’t take a penny from the government, and it’s still a pariah.

12:22 a.m.
1st Street and First Avenue
Diane, 24; Molly, 22; Andrea, 24

ANDREA: We’re coming from my grad school’s open bar for all the Ph.D. students. We had a great time. We got free drinks, got drunk.
DIANE: It was all women there except for this one straight guy.
ANDREA: I flirted with him, and he has my number. So that’s good, right? Are we proud of me?

Did you flirt too, Molly?
MOLLY: There were no male specimens of the heterosexual type there.
ANDREA: We wish there were more non-gay guys.
MOLLY: They’re all very good-looking.
ANDREA: Do you want to know that I want to bone the fourth-year [student]? Even though he’s not a jock, because I always date preppy non-Jewish jocks, and my mother would be so happy if I boned him. She’d love him. I always date, like, Republican jocks, and this does not work for my mother because we’re, like, liberal Jews and she wishes that I would bone and marry a liberal Jewish boy. But I think I’m cuter than him, so he would be flattered by that. I would never go for him, but he’s the only straight guy at Yeshiva. I have major frizz.
DIANE: You don’t look frizzy.
ANDREA: I have major curly Jewish hair.
MOLLY: I have something to say. We’ve been thinking a lot about this, because—
ANDREA: We’re all single, young, intelligent, well-educated, attractive women. MOLLY: And we meet douche bags who want to sleep with you and never speak to you again, or they’re, like, obsessed and too nice and it doesn’t work and they’re creepy.
DIANE: Way too obsessed.
ANDREA: And I’m getting my Ph.D. I’m saying that—
MOLLY: She’s a catch.
ANDREA: I’m a catch! I think I’m a catch and I have a relatively good amount of self-confidence. I’m in psychology, so I need somebody that’s evolved. New York needs to know that the guys need to be evolved.

What’s your ideal man?
ANDREA: I go for the Republican jocks.
DIANE: Oh God, Andrea, we’re going back to you!

Why are you attracted to Republican jocks?
ANDREA: I try to analyze myself, like, five times a day. Republican jocks are when I want to, quote, bone. But that’s not who I want to end up with, and it’s really tough for me to mesh [that with] my husband ideal, which is an evolved Jewish man who’s not too Jewish but wants to raise his kids Jewish. Hockey players attract me because they’re, like, douche-bag schmuckfaces, and I love that.

They’re schmuckfaces?
ANDREA: I love schmuckfaces!

ANDREA: That’s a good question. Maybe it’s daddy issues. I’ve been in therapy but I can’t figure it out.
MOLLY: It’s very personal.
ANDREA: I don’t care if people know I’m in therapy. We’re all in therapy, and we’re all normal girls.
MOLLY: Everyone goes to therapy. It’s the best hour of the week!

12:48 a.m.
17th Street between Park Avenue and Irving Place
Joe, 18

What are you doing tonight?
JOE: Just getting back from a friend’s house. We had a baseball game, so I went over there after we played.

What position?
I’m a pitcher. Getting ready for college.

Where are you graduating from?
Berkeley Carroll.

Where are you going to college?
I haven’t decided yet. It’s between Seton Hall, Keuka College, Springfield College, and Quinnipiac University.

David and Kristine.Photo: Christopher Anderson

What’s a typical Saturday for you?
Typical Saturday would be hanging out with friends down in Tribeca. A lot of times, since I go to private school, a lot of the parents are traveling for business and such. So we have parties in their houses. That’s about it.

They’re rich, these people having the parties?
I’d say the majority of them are upper class, yeah.

How wild do the parties get?
We’re actually pretty mellow compared to some of the other high schools. I’ve been to some parties that get insane—like neighbors call the cops and stuff.

Which school is the craziest?
Oh, man, I’d love to say ours, but I’d be lying. I heard Dwight has a lot of crazy parties.

What about Dwight makes it the party school?
They say Dwight stands for Dumb White Idiots Getting High Together. It’s become sort of a joke, I guess, around the city.

Where are you going now?
Home. I have a game at eight o’clock in the morning. Gotta be focused, prepared. Have I been the only sober person [tonight]?

No, everybody’s been relatively sober. Really? That’s incredible. Surprising.
OLEG: Young man, unfortunately for you our trip is over. Don’t forget your stuff unless it contains food. And you can never go wrong by giving a very big tip. Otherwise, Russian Secret Service, KGB, will get you.

1:36 a.m.
27th Street and Second Avenue
Morgan, 25; Keith, 28

Are you guys boyfriend-girlfriend?

So you’re …?
KEITH: Friends.
MORGAN: But he loves me … We’re coming from a young Jewish social event. It’s a bunch of rich Jewish people that hang out. And by “hang out,” you can use your imagination.

What, a young Jewish sex party?
MORGAN: No! A bunch of single Jewish people networking. A singles event.

You guys sure you’re not going home together?
MORGAN: Oh, we’re going home together.
KEITH: I think I’m gonna throw up.

How much did you drink?
MORGAN: Not much; he’s a pussy.
KEITH: Four, five?
MORGAN: Rum and Cokes and a couple shots of vodka. I drank a good bottle and a half of wine myself.

So are you going home together or not?
MORGAN: We’re going home together. We have a really fucked-up relationship.
KEITH: Which publication is this for?

New York Magazine.
KEITH: Are we going to be on the cover?

Probably not. So you’re friends with benefits?
MORGAN: Partially. We’re more friends than benefits.

But you’re going home to be intimate together, right?

I’m totally confused. Are you going home to the same apartment?
KEITH: My apartment is the party apartment.

What does that involve?
MORGAN: He’ll puke, and then we’ll party.

What does “party” mean exactly?
KEITH: If I define it, I won’t have a political career.

How many people will be partying there?
MORGAN: Ten to fifteen.

Does it involve stimulants?
BOTH: Some people, yes.

Will there be randiness?
KEITH: I’m not sure I understand “randiness.”

MORGAN: Oh, yes.

So you two will be snuggling?
KEITH: Yeah, like—
MORGAN: Wait! Someone just texted me this joke: “What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotofpuss.” The guy who sent it is very, very gay, so it’s allowed.

2:26 a.m.
30th Street and Eighth Avenue
Hillary, 24; Michael, 24

Are you guys together?
MICHAEL: We are great friends, how about that?
HILLARY: We’re spending the night together. Just tell her.
MICHAEL: Okay, I will agree to that.
HILLARY: He won’t admit it, but he’s absolutely in love with me.
MICHAEL: You’re actually recording this?
HILLARY: I want it on record that you’re absolutely in love with me. Just admit it.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I’m totally, absolutely, drop-dead in love with her.

Is that true?
MICHAEL: It is true.

So what are you going to do about it?
HILLARY: [Sighs] Nothing.

Come on, guys. Can’t you two crazy kids get it together?
HILLARY: He has commitment issues. Just say it: You have commitment issues.
MICHAEL: I do not commit to anything.
HILLARY: Exactly.

How much have you had to drink?
HILLARY: I’m fine. I don’t know about him.
MICHAEL: I’m mostly okay.
HILLARY: No, he’s going to black out.
MICHAEL: Shut up. I’m good. I feel great. It’s a good night.

2:59 a.m.
Bowery and Prince Street
Rick, 26; Eric, 21; Geoff, 21

Where have you guys been tonight?
ERIC: Just creeping. We learned it on Jersey Shore. Tonight we hung out at a club-slash-lounge.
GEOFF: Now we’re going home.
RICK: To Sugar Daddy’s.

Who’s Sugar Daddy?
ERIC: I am.

What will you do there?
GEOFF: Fool around.

RICK: Whatever happens happens.

Are you guys straight or gay?
RICK: I dabble in both.
ERIC: I’m straight.
GEOFF: I’m straight as a doorknob.

Driver Oleg Roitman.Photo: Christopher Anderson

Will you drink more?
GEOFF: Yes. We’ll take shots. But then probably go to bed and fool around in the morning.

Did you guys have babe action tonight?
ERIC: Oh, we grabbed sooo many girls.
GEOFF: Rick, he’s English, he got with two to three Indian girls.
RICK: I said no to the Indian girls, actually. They wanted cash money—straight up. ERIC: They knew we worked in finance, so they were like—
RICK: They were all, “Where are you going to take us next weekend? We’ve heard this restaurant’s bangin’.”

Are you guys players?
ERIC: We’re not players, but we crush a lot.

ERIC: I was just quoting Big Pun. He’s a rapper. Anyway, we’re not players. We’re Gs.
GEOFF: I was trying to get the split here, okay: Rick got the two Indian girls, Eric got the two black girls, and I got the two Asians.
ERIC: I also had one Asian with an ass.
RICK: Thick, thick.
ERIC: I almost tore my lateral meniscus because of her.

Are you okay?
ERIC: I mean, I survived.

You had love up in that club then?
ERIC: Oh, I got low. I usually don’t get low. Anytime a girl tries to get me to get low, I just throw the peace sign right at her forehead and walk away.

Is this a typical Saturday night for you?
GEOFF: This is more like a Friday night for us. Saturday is more risqué.

ERIC: The hot girls weren’t out tonight.
GEOFF: Also, because we met up with a bunch of girls from the country of Delaware, and they came here expecting, I don’t know, Kurt Cobain. But I don’t want to talk shit on them ’cause, like, they’re all good-looking.
ERIC: No, I’m sorry, they weren’t good-looking at all. I looked at them twice.
RICK: I was looking more at the men.

Rick, what percent guys versus girls are you?
RICK: In this city, more girls because they take [better] care of themselves.
GEOFF: So, 60-40.
RICK: 57.5 percent to 37.5 percent.

Do you ever go out with your gay buds to gay bars?
ERIC: He ditches us sometimes, but I don’t know where he goes.
GEOFF: Cock! He goes to the Cock. La Cock!

*Some names have been changed.

Saturday Night in a Cab