Pacha; 2/12 at 10 p.m.; 618 W. 46th St., nr. Eleventh Ave.; 212-209-7500
There’s more than one way to sweat this weekend, so heat it up on the dance floor. The Russian house-music giant will be mixing it up with tribal beats for a special Valentine’s Day Ball. Don’t forget your red glowsticks.
In Vino; 2/13 at 7:30 p.m.; 215 E. 4th St., nr. Ave. B; 212-539-1011
Lead singer and former Bridezilla PA Dylan Rau started Bear Hands as a way to best a romantic rival. He gave up after realizing that he was a lover, not a fighter, but the indie band of Wesleyan alums remains strong, playing a Valentine’s weekend show in an intimate wine bar.
S.O.B.’s; 2/14 at 7 p.m.; 204 Varick St., at W. Houston St.; 212-243-4940
Fellas, if you need some help getting your ladies in the mood, look no further than the sweet R&B stylings of Elgin Baylor Lumpkin. Tickets are priced per couple and include a free CD, three-course meal, and a dessert cocktail, which we truly hope is made with Adult Chocolate Milk (tagline: “Re-taste Your Youth at 40 Proof”). We hear Mr. L is quite fond of it.
Love in the Parlors
Merchant’s House Museum; 2/14 at 7 p.m.; 29 E. 4th St., nr. Bowery; 212-777-1089
Merchant’s House provides some class with a 75-minute program of romantic songs and arias in its double parlors, performed by members of the Bond Street Euterpean Singing Society. Bonus: Maybe one of their famous haunted ghosts will appear, providing you with extra reason to snuggle.
Valentine’s Day Dinner With the Chairman of the Board
City Winery; 2/14 at 8 p.m.; 155 Varick St., at Vandam St.; 212-608-0555
Let Ol’ Blue Eyes woo your date for you, when City Winery pays tribute to his vast repertoire with a special wine and music pairing. Impersonator Joe Politi and his fifteen-piece orchestra will be performing Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits.
A Very Red Headed Step Child Valentines Day
Comix; 2/14 at 8 p.m.; 353 W. 14th St., nr. Ninth Ave.; 212-524-2500
Forget oysters. Folks in the know swear by laughter as the best aphrodisiac. And lucky for you, Comix is serving it up on a platter with a night hosted by Joe De Rosa and Jared Logan, and featuring Wil Sylvince (Bad Boys of Comedy) and Russ Meneve (Comedy Central).
Shot Through the Heart
Village Pourhouse; 2/11, 11 a.m–2 a.m.; 366 W. 46th St., nr. Ninth Ave.; 212-979-2337
Let everyone know who did you wrong when the Village Pourhouse gives you the opportunity to say it with Sharpie on their supersize Anti-Valentine’s Day Card. Then drown your sorrows with a free Bud Light draft or well cocktail and drink specials all night.
Endless Night: Vampire Ball of New York
Santos Party House; 2/12 at 11 p.m.; 96 Lafayette St., nr. Walker St.; 212-584-5492
For fifteen years, lovelorn creatures of the night have been seeking solace at the Anti-Valentine’s Day Ball, where it’s easy to distract yourself with burlesque, belly dancers, D.J.’s, and live bands. Plus, you get to wear a costume.
The Rejection Show: Valentine’s Day Heartbreak Haven
The Bell House; 2/14 at 7 p.m.; 149 7th St., nr. Second Ave., Gowanus; 718-643-6510
Rejection is painful, but a lot less so if you have funny folks to commiserate with. Join host Jon Friedman (who literally wrote the book) and performers including Max Silvestri, Edith Zimmerman, and Elna Baker as they recount their best breakup, heartbreak, and love-related stories.
Happy Fu$$ing Valentine’s Day
Private loft; 2/13 at 6 p.m.; thenoblerot.com
Sip your sadness away when wine enthusiast collective the Noble Rot presents an evening of libations from the Natural Wine Company, small plates by Mike Lee of Studiofeast, and chocolates by Fine & Raw. There’s room for 30. Singles and couples are welcome, but please, request the hosts, no swingers. It would just get messy.
“Married by Elvis. Divorced by Friday”: A Six-Word Memoir Story Slam
92YTribeca; 2/14 at 7 p.m.; 200 Hudson St., nr. Canal St.; 212-601-1000
A night of six-word nuggets fueled by the affairs of the heart (Examples: “I would rather pluck eyelashes out,” or “Mother warned me to stay away”) presented by SMITH magazine, the folks behind the Six-Word Memoir project. If you’re feeling creative, or just need to let off some steam, bring your own to read in an audience-participation slam.
Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
Black Rabbit; 2/14 at 8 p.m.; 91 Greenpoint Ave., at Franklin St., Greenpoint; 718-349-1595
Nothing screams “please love me” like brooding Brit rock, and this Valentine’s Day, all the lonely hearts will once again convene at the Dave Hill–hosted Smiths-themed speed-dating event, where participants get to know each other for the length of exactly one Morrissey-led song. In the past, it’s been known to fill up with the ladies pretty fast, so if you’re a mopey member of the fairer sex, be sure to show up early to snag a spot.