Job: Comedian; star of Demetri Martin: Person, airing Sunday night on Comedy Central, and Clearification, a website
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Anyone who didn’t cut me off when I was simply trying to ride my skateboard.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
Not sure, but it probably involved some sort of tomato sauce and was near a pretty woman.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
I walk around and think of jokes.
Where do you get your coffee?
I don’t drink coffee. If I did, I would get my coffee in a place that makes me seem interesting but not pretentious.
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
A subway entrance.
Do you give money to panhandlers?
What’s your drink?
It’s called a “tough guy”: One part club soda, one part ice, one part f***ing tough.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
When I get a salad in a restaurant I ask for the dressing on the side. Then I put the dressing on the salad myself. If that counts, then: Very often.
What’s your favorite medication?
Black and white cookie.
What’s hanging above your sofa?
A crappy painting, a shelf, and the feeling that by now I should live in a larger rectangle.
How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
Just after climb-five-flights-of-stairs-to-get-home-because-I-live-in-a-walk-up o’clock.
Brunch: Pro or con?
What’s your threadcount?
It’s the amount of threads I am willing to count.
What do you hate most about living in New York?
Car alarms, people with car alarms, people alarmed by cars, people with alarming cars, alarming car people, and all armed cars and people.
What’s your brand of jeans?
Levi’s and some fancier ones.
When’s the last time you drove a car?
2006. In New Jersey. Ladies…?
Who should be the next President?
Some sort of hero.
Times, Post, or Daily News?
I try to avoid newspapers, but I like the puzzle in the Times sometimes.
Yankees or Mets?
What makes someone a New Yorker?
Location, Location, Location.