Most people don’t show up for court-mandated community service at the garbage dump wrapped in a luxe gray fur. Then again, most people don’t try to discipline the help by smacking them with a bejeweled cell phone. So we shouldn’t be surprised that supermodel Naomi Campbell raised the bar on celebrity penance this week. For the last few days, Our Lady of the Bitch-Slap has sauntered in to work as if she’s moonlighting at Condé Nast rather than the Sanitation Department, dressed in a parade of outfits that included high-heeled boots, fedoras, and jackets in fur and leather. Don’t forget omnipresent giant, dark sunglasses — no doubt vital for guarding her anonymity.
And for that exhibition, frankly, we salute her.
Naomi might be battier than a Transylvania attic, but at least she’s giving back to society by providing her sad, bored comrades with something stellar to gawk at. In fact, the other celebrities headed for the purgatory of community service could take a few lessons from her. And so we present a Celebrity Guide to Giving Back With Glamour, as we imagine Naomi Campbell would have told it to us.
Skip the standard-issue uniforms. The government is no Giorgio Armani. Slumming it in that neon-orange thing certainly didn’t do Boy George’s figure any favors when he was scraping up street trash in August. Not to mention that the glare from the neon-yellow strap can make a person look jaundiced.
Make a hot uniformed man your bitch. George Michael was most likely forbidden from doing this when he worked in a youth center following his arrest for lewd conduct in a London park. Too bad for him; brilliant Naomi reportedly drafted a Sanitation Department lieutenant to carry her purse for her. So what if he just took it because he was scared to say no?
Wear heels for calf definition. It’s vital to develop one’s leg muscles at a time like this, so don’t leave the pumps at home when you’re out picking up garbage by the side of the road (a common sentence for celebrities nabbed for a DUI, like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and, yesterday, crazy Vivica A. Fox). Plus, if someone you know drives by, you want them to honk for the right reasons.
Pick a location conducive to finding your next husband. Winona Ryder had the right idea when she served her 480 hours for shoplifting at a Los Angeles–area hospital. Sure, sick people are gross, but everyone knows that doctors are hot. It’s called multitasking. And in her current locale, Naomi can go on the prowl for a burly Sanitation God — seriously, those guys make bank — while she’s sifting through refuse. It’s a nice silver — or perhaps platinum — lining.
Pretend it’s all for a good cause. On Monday, Naomi arrived in lace-up heeled boots and a wool coat with matching black newsboy cap; on Tuesday, she sported that ash-gray fur jacket and a saucy fedora. Wednesday brought a sleek leather trench, and this morning she arrived in chinchilla, a purple shirt, and work boots. (We’re praying for a headdress of some ilk tomorrow.) But the best part is she’s auctioning off each potentially very pongy outfit for one of Nelson Mandela’s charities. Which is heartwarming and all, but everybody knows there’s no better way to silence the haters than by haughtily informing them that your vanity is actually philanthropy. —The Fug Girls