In a week when the Dow hit a record high and Manhattanites sought tax-season shelter, everyone was rethinking their fiscal strategies. The bottom line of a police investigation into the crash of New Jersey governor and former Goldman Sachs chief Jon Corzine was that he would have profited from buckling up and not being driven 91 miles per hour. The Reverend Al Sharpton hedged, then divested himself of plans to salute rap mogul L.A. Reid (whose portfolio of labels includes Roc-A-Fella). Small-cap-eschewing retiree Don Imus, old enough to cash in his 401(k), insisted that “I could go to work tomorrow. Bigger deal. More money.” Forbes investor Bono’s Spider-Man musical will reportedly make its initial public offering in July.
Pat Buckley and Kitty Carlisle Hart passed away, leaving the Upper East Side social scene without two of its primary assets. The former secretary to a Master of the Universe claimed her boss had appointed her “pussy coordinator” and tried to broker a merger between her and his ex-wife. (The boss countered that she’d taken a large equity position in the firm’s petty cash.) Two-for-one-splitter Raoul Felder saw a net gain from Eliot Spitzer’s campaign to downgrade his role on a state board, after Felder co-wrote a book called Schmucks! with Jackie Mason.
A wayward whale swam up the Gowanus Canal but sadly bottomed out on some rocks; a bear of a nor’easter left sheep and goats (but no bulls) stranded in the Prospect Park Zoo. An antiwar protester who says she was kicked in the head near Wall Street by a cop bagged a $150,000 bonus. The Knicks wrote off another season as a total loss; owner James Dolan declined to issue his Pollyannaish annual report. Yankees fans wondered if Derek Jeter’s Gold Glove was overvalued, as he continued to make errors at the prime rate of three per week. And the heartrending tragedy at Virginia Tech left tremendous losses at home; four New York–area students were killed. —Mark Adams