Sure, we’ve all heard that Lindsay Lohan was allegedly hoovering enough blow to kill a horse, but seeing it in black and white (thanks to Brit paper the News of the World) is another matter. Now, the once-charming Lohan seems poised to torch her remaining potential and snort its ashes off a toilet seat. If those who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it, then Lindsay, get studying: The outlook is bleak, based on what’s come before you. Here are five possible career arcs, and our bets on which Lohan will follow.
1. The Enabled Addict Lohan’s coke tape plays like a sequel to the Great Kate Moss Scandal of 2005. If the parallels continue, she’ll spend about a month feigning remorse until people recommence ignoring her problems, then she’ll begin a gross on-off relationship with a drugged-out loser while her looks fade.
Odds: 3-2 The path of least resistance and therefore the first choice. Hollywood’s memory is almost as short as the fashion industry’s, plus Lohan’s PR knows it takes just one adorable People cover to trick everyone into thinking you’re fine.
2. The Meltdown They were the buzzing clippers heard round the world: Britney Spears, fed up with people putting her in rehab when all she wanted to do was dance on tables in her underwear, stomped into a salon and shaved her head.
Odds: 5-1 Both Spears and Lohan were caught without panties by the paparazzi, both are getting the worst reviews of their careers, and both seem completely deluded about the extent of their problems. But don’t get out the blades just yet. Britney at least has a mother pushing her to get help; it’s unlikely Dina Lohan will look up from her pedicure long enough to nag Lindsay into a spite-haircut.
3. The Total, Tragic Meltdown Otherwise known as the Marilyn. Or the Belushi, the Farley, the Anna Nicole. You know the drill: drugs, drugs, drooling, more drugs, death.
Odds: 9-1 If Lindsay’s appetite for blow is as voracious as the source who provided the News of the World with videotape claims, then taking a meeting with the Grim Reaper isn’t so unlikely. But it helps that she lives in the Chateau Marmont, where Belushi died; the staff isn’t about to let another celeb OD in those hallowed halls.
4. The Redemption After confronting her childhood addiction, Drew Barrymore enjoyed a reborn acting and producing career, thanks to putting down the sauce for real and developing an endearingly earnest temperament. If she’s as good as her image, then Lindsay could learn a lot from her — like, paying attention in rehab.
Odds: 25-1 Lindsay is young, rich, and — if her sad boasting is to be believed — nailing any remotely famous guy who crosses her path. She is way too deluded about her own invincibility to clean up her act now.
5. The Footnote Diff’rent Strokes star Dana Plato, another child star turned drug dabbler, spiraled rapidly into obscurity and crash-landed in soft-core porn. After several drug-related run-ins with the law, she ultimately overdosed. After a week of obligatory magazine covers, Hollywood largely forgot.
Odds: 50-1 Ain’t no way someone as media-hungry as Lindsay is letting herself drop off the radar. If she goes out, she’s doing it in a blaze of glory, with full media coverage. —The Fug Girls
Lohan Took a Line and Bragged: I’ll XXXX Jude Law Tomorrow [News of the World]