sex diaries

The Horny Waitress

Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the Horny Waitress: female, 26, Midtown East, straight, in a relationship.

Midnight: Having dirty thoughts while I watch my boyfriend, Brian, a cook, sleep in his boxers.
12:15 a.m.: I sneak into bed, but my hiccups wake him up and immediately he wants to play. We cuddle for a little while, but it’s too hot for anything more.
10:30 a.m.: Roommate and I take a kickboxing class. Afterward, we go to our favorite drunk brunch spot and obsess about our kickboxing instructor.
1:10 p.m.: We realize the instructor is sitting two tables over. He comes over, gives us his card, and offers free fitness advice. We promise to come to his next class.
2 p.m.: Next class plans aborted. MySpace indicates rampant homosexuality.
3 p.m.: Get romantic text message from boyfriend. I’m drunk. I text back something dirty.
10 p.m.: I come home to find an impromptu party on my rooftop.
11:30 p.m.: I crawl on top of Brian, tell him how much I want him. We kiss, but I’m turned down for sex. He says, “I am too drunk, and it will be no fun for you.”

8:30 a.m.: Brian wakes me up to cuddle. I don’t want to do any more than that, so he just kisses me and heads to work.
11:30 a.m.: Brunch with my roommate translates to an hour of talking about sex. I start thinking about how sexy Brian is and feel myself getting excited.
11:45 p.m.: Brian starts touching me on the couch. We move to the bedroom. I have three orgasms, and my legs are shaking before he finishes.

9 a.m.: Brian wakes me up to cuddle and kiss but he is out the door way too soon. I curl onto his pillow; it smells like him.
2 p.m.: Lunch with a friend, who is convinced the CPR signs in the restaurant are homoerotic.
10 p.m.: Drinks with Brian and one of his chefs after work. We talk about who is sleeping with whom in their kitchen.
11 p.m.: A girl wearing what I am pretty sure is a pajama top with no undergarments shows the bar her breasts for a pitcher of beer.

3:30 a.m.: The bar is closing so we finish our free hot dogs and continue drinking at our apartment.
11 a.m.: All plans for a romantic day off together are ruined by Brian’s second hot dog, which has him doubled over in pain in the bathroom.
10 p.m.: Brian finally wants to hold me, and we sit on the couch. I playfully offer to give him a blow job to take his mind off of it. He asks for a rain check.

2 a.m.: We fall asleep in front of the television.
7:30 a.m.: Brian wants his rain check. Still drunk and woozy from last night, I comply. After five minutes I pass out without finishing what I started. He tells me it’s okay, and it was nice while it lasted.
3 p.m.: Talk online to an old friend who tells me that she finally lost her virginity. About time.
5 p.m.: I finally remember to buy batteries for my camera and vibrator.

7:30 a.m.: I have very vivid sex dream about much older co-worker.
10:30 a.m. Get to work, older co-worker winks and says, “Hi, Baby,” in his completely everyday way. I feel really uncomfortable. This man is a grandfather.
11 p.m.: Home after a long double shift. My roommate stumbles in with her “sometimes more than a friend,” who is extremely drunk. I hear body-smacking noises and laughter before she finally closes the door.

4 a.m.: Roommate’s “friend” goes to the bathroom, gets confused and tries to crawl into bed with Brian and me. I escort him back to the correct room.
8 a.m.: Brian wakes me to cuddle and play.
11 a.m.: Roommate tries to convince me that nothing sexual happened with her wandering “friend.”
3 p.m.: Brian calls to chat; I refrain from telling him that it’s my summer-camp reunion tonight, and my first love might be there.
11 p.m.: Arrive at the camp reunion, see two guys I had a past with, but my first love isn’t there. I am relieved.

Total: Two acts of intercourse, one sexy dream, two acts of oral sex, three acts of manual stimulation.

The Horny Waitress