Guess what we did this morning? We got up and watched Fox Business Network, so you didn’t have to! Today was the channel’s first day in action, and the energy was high. Like mid-2006 housing market high. As in, everybody’s so high it’s a little uncomfortable to watch. Their morning show, Money for Breakfast (oh, that’s right), is hosted by Peter Barnes and Alexis Glick. Barnes seems to handle the straight news, while Glick runs around doing interviews and special features with the inexplicable mania of Ann Curry on speed (“LOOK AT THOSE CUFF LINKS!” she told a reporter. “HE MUST BE SPENDING“). Want to know what else we like? Since, unlike some people, we don’t have a fancy, jumbo-size information ticker, you’ll have to go after the jump.
• FBN is all about special regular features. Every morning they’ll have a “Flip of the Coin” debate where they, get this, flip a coin, and then reporters debate a market issue. And the winner will be decided by Alexis Glick, who REALLY LIKES YOUR CUFF LINKS.
• And they’ve got this other ingenious new thing that nobody else has, “Box Office Scorecard,” where they talk about what movies did well over the weekend. And it’s hosted by Paul Dergarabedian! Paul is wearing very serious glasses today.
• Oh, and also, there will be a regular report about the trading floor of the New York and Chicago mercantile exchanges. Not about what’s trading — about the physical objects on the actual floor, like computers and whiteboards. Two words: unstoppable brilliance.
• Another thing we like is their “How Much Do You Make” feature, which asks people how much they make! Who knew Rupert Murdoch still read New York Magazine!
• The colors are different — in addition to cable’s power-suit tones (blue, black, red), FBN uses yellow! And … yellow! What will they think of next?
• Their evening show is called Happy Hour. And tonight their featured guest is Ivanka Trump. Now that’s just too easy.
• If the words “folks” and “regular” people were penny stocks, you’d be a day trader by noon. They can’t stop sayin’ them! (Okay, we really have no idea how to use finance terms. Guess that makes us “regular folks.” Good thing we’re watching!)
• FBN is all about celebrity guests. Oscar De La Hoya went on this morning (Alexis Glick interviewed him for fifteen minutes and didn’t once ask him about posing in drag with strippers. FBN is all about restraint!), and so did skateboarder Tony Hawk. Business is hip, you guys, and also healthy.
• Oh, yeah, we almost forgot. Remember when the Times told you this morning about how Dow Jones wouldn’t let CNBC advertise on its finance Websites today? Well, it doesn’t matter as much as you might think, because there are ads for CNBC programming during nearly every FBN commercial break! Awkward!