Imaginary Thanksgiving With the Olsen Family!


Photo Illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Hulton Archive/Getty Images (Thanksgiving), Getty Images (Ashley), WireImage (Lance)

Scene: The Olsen Family Compound, Sherman Oaks, California. The camera pans a table set with linen and crystal and steaming tureens, around which several members of the Olsen family are seated. Their eyes are closed and their heads are bowed in prayer, except for Ashley Olsen, who is sitting on Lance Armstrong’s lap. The Olsens’ mother, Jarnette, begins her holiday prayer.

Jarnette: Let us give thanks today for all of the food in front of us, the roof over our heads, and all of the opportunities given to us.
Lesser Olsens 1 & 2: [In unison.] Thank you, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Jarnette: Oh, Golden Twins, it is because of you that we are seated here today and never have to work a day in our lives. Thank you for providing this delicious meal, even though you can’t eat any of it yourselves, because you are either hospitalized with a “kidney infection” [Jarnette makes air quotes] or on a no-food diet, respectively.
Lesser Olsen 1: It’s a shame Mary-Kate can’t be here. We even made her favorite dish. [The camera pans to an empty seat at the table, where a large Starbucks cup has been placed on a plate.]
Lesser Olsen 1: Who is that skinny guy sitting under Ashley?
Jarnette: That’s Ashley’s new friend. Isn’t he handsome? (Lecherously.)
Lesser Olsen 2: Why are they making out?
Lance: That’s what goes on amongst friends, Fat Olsen.
Ashley: [Breaking off her make-out with Lance] Who ARE these people?
Jarnette: Ashley, you always forget there are other children in your family. You remember Fat Olsen and Postpubescent Olsen?
Lesser Olsen 1: We go through things in life so you don’t have to. Like getting fat!
Lesser Olsen 2: And pimply!
Lance: Man, Ashley, I hope you never have to go through that.
Ashley: Don’t worry, Lance. Because of my diet of sprouts and nicotine-filled air, I will never reach puberty. But I’ll still be legal!
Lance: The best of both worlds. [They resume making out.]
Lesser Olsen 1: Cunt.
Lesser Olsen 2: Don’t you mean “hairless cunt”? [Lesser Olsens exchange high fives.]

[A servant who looks suspiciously like Dave Coulier from Full House enters, carrying a large, glistening turkey, which he places on the table with a flourish. Ashley shrinks back, as though something foul has appeared, but Lesser Olsen 1 eyes widen. She reaches for the carving knife, but in one swift motion Lance overpowers her and grabs the turkey, stuffing the entire 40-pound bird into his mouth. Everyone is agape.]
Lance: What? I have a very high, non-chemically-enhanced metabolism.
Lesser Olsen 1: You OLD BASTARD.

[She grabs a handful of sweet potatoes and throws it at him. The potatoes run down his spandex jersey and collect in the crevice of his Livestrong bracelet. Inspired, Lesser Olsen 2 takes aim with a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy but misses and the potatoes splatter all over ASHLEY.]

Ashley: [Hysterical.] There’s food on me! There’s FOOD ON ME! I’m bloating. I’m bloooaaaaattttttiiiinnnnngggg… [Ashley slumps slowly to the floor.]
Jarnett: Fat Olsen! Postpubescent Olsen! Look what you did. This is just like last week when you put whole milk in Mary-Kate’s latte! Somebody call the hospital. Let’s see if we can get her in with her sister in their special reserved room at Mount Sinai
Lance: Ooh, that sounds fun. Do they let friends sleep over in that room?


Imaginary Thanksgiving With the Olsen Family!