Below, the tale of the coolest thing one of our reporters has ever done, which she has, after much deliberation, decided to give unto the Internet because she never plans to run for political office, and her parents were hippies and have therefore engaged in far too much delinquent behavior to ever cast judgment:
[Scene: The Bowery Hotel. Second floor. After-party for the opening of the first U.S. Billionaire Boys Club/Ice Cream flagship store. BBC/Ice Cream co-owners Pharrell Williams and Nigo hold court on a banquet in the back room. Fellow Neptune Chad Hugo stands in a doorway, fielding sexual innuendo from tiny Asian girls. Pusha T from Clipse leans on the bar, knocking fists with the myriad black dudes who walk by. Countless models swarm the one table with bottle service, sending death stares through all who dare approach. The three beanie-wearing white guys in the room play pool, pretending they haven’t noticed there’s a party going on in here. Two Disaffected Reporters, Jada Yuan from New York and Neel Shah from Radar convene in the hallway with their Assorted Friends.]
Jada: Snoop Dogg just walked in. We should try to talk to him.
Neel: Really? Where?
Jada: I don’t know. Maybe check behind the eighteen giant bodyguards over there, under the cloud of pot smoke.
[Disaffected Reporters and Assorted Friends venture onto balcony. A Shameless Friend leads the group toward the circle of bodies and smoke enveloping Snoop Dogg, putting on his best “I’m frizzle with the Snizzle” face.]
Bodyguard: [Stepping forward] Hey, man, we’re just here to have a good time.
Shameless Friend: I am the most fun person alive.
Bodyguard: Now you really have to go.
Neel: [Attempting to regroup] You have to go in there.
Jada: Why me?
Neel: It’s got to be a girl.
Jada: Yeah, I’m sure Snoop Dogg is really into hanging out with nerdy half-Chinese chicks who dress like librarians. You’re brown. You have a beard. You go.
Neel: I look like a terrorist! Go up to him and say, “It’s been my dream since I was 5 years old to smoke pot with Snoop Dogg.”
Jada: But that’s not my dream.
Neel: It’s like one of the top-three most impressive things you can possibly do in your life! Play ball with LeBron James. Have sex with Jenna Jameson. Smoke pot with Snoop Dogg. I can guarantee there are men on this earth who have done all three, but they are way cooler than me. You HAVE to do this.
Jada: Well, I guess it does lead me one step closer to sex with Jenna Jameson.
[Jada hops into a group of passersby, then out again at the center of Snoop Dogg’s circle. D-O-Double G passes a long, lean, perfectly rolled blunt to a woman nearby.]
Jada: [Mumbling to self while backing away] Oh, well, looks like I missed my chance.
Snoop Dogg: At what, sugar?
Jada: Uh … it’s been a dream of mine since I was 5 to smoke pot with Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Dogg: [Laughs, pulls out an identical long, lean, perfectly rolled blunt, lights it, and puts it in her tiny hands] Has it been that long?