Hello, Kettle? This Is Bonnie. You’re Black.

Bonnie Fuller

Photo: Getty Images

We’re a little confused by Bonnie Fuller’s Huffington Post tirade about Lynne Spears. Just a month ago, Fuller wrote a column on the Website thanking celebrity moms for making real moms feel better about themselves. “Every time that our girl [Britney Spears] cluelessly tries to whitestrip her toddler’s teeth instead of brushing them or runs a red light with the court-appointed monitor and her two sons all strapped in her car,” the tabloid queen wrote then, “working moms across the continent can set back our own personal guilt-meters about our mothering skills.” Aw. Perhaps that’s a little demented, but we can appreciate the sentiment. But today she no longer loves celebrity mothers. She hates them. Specifically, Britney’s mom, Lynne, whom she accuses of not properly teaching her daughters about the birds and the bees, and inadvertently causing her young daughter’s pregnancy. “Were you too busy pushing their careers to ever have this heart-to-heart with them?” the Star editorial director demands. “Were you too tied up lining up meetings with record company executives, TV networks, publicists and tour managers to check on whether you were instilling personal values and self-esteem in your daughters?”

Okay, we’ll ignore the fact that Fuller is a high-powered media executive who is legendary for being a workaholic and pimped out her own family life for publicity and money with her book, The Joys of Much Too Much: Go for the Big Life — The Great Career, the Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You’ve Ever Wanted. We have no idea whether she’s a good mother, and we would never liken her children to the Spears kids (that comparison we’ll save for when the Fanning girls get older). It’s just that, Bonnie, it’s your job to revel in these people’s misfortune. You can’t pretend that you’re worried about the effect that Lynne and Britney and Jamie Lynn’s poor decisions will have on American kids. You helped create the tabloid culture that made them who they are. Even in your Huffington Post rant, you plugged a Star report that Britney is sleeping around without condoms. What little girl would ever know that her pop idol did that, if you didn’t tell her?

It’s your fault we even know anything about Jamie Lynn’s private life. It’s your fault that the young actress believed, until twelve weeks ago, that there’s nothing in life so permanent that can’t be fixed with a photo op. All those “potential engagement photos, the potential wedding photos, the photos of the baby’s beautiful nursery” that you complain about? You made those a phenomenon. Britney and Lynne Spears don’t have music careers; they have tabloid careers. And you’re the person who hired them. So you don’t have the right to complain about any of the screwed-up values they have or decisions they make. Next time you want to read a book with a moral to your 10-year-old daughter, you should make it Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. You could both learn a lot from it.

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant At 16: Is Lynne Spears An Even Worse Mother Than Britney? [HuffPo]

Hello, Kettle? This Is Bonnie. You’re Black.