Today’s Daily News gossip columnist has a very, very upsetting Gossip Girl item. First, he reports that there are tensions on the set between Blair and Serena (Leighton Meister and Blake Lively, to those of you who insist upon dealing with this show in a world of reality). “Chace Crawford tends to stick close to Leighton, while Penn Badgley hangs on- and off-screen with Blake,” a source tells the saucy Aussie. “The crew will snag Blake for a scene just moments before it is shot so they can avoid any awkwardness with Leighton.” Not that a catfight between the show’s two female stars surprises us, but, come on, isn’t it a little clichéd? That’s not all Widdicombe has for us, though. He claims he knows the identity of Gossip Girl herself, the snarky Upper East Sider who narrates the show (using the voice of Kristin Bell). We’d tell you to stop reading right now in order to avoid spoiling your fun, but we find the candidate too unbelievable to be true. According to an on-set source, Gossip Girl is none other than Eric van der Woodsen!
We don’t believe this for the following reasons:
(1) Cecily von Zeigesar, the writer of the Gossip Girl books, has not yet revealed who the blogger is. In fact, it may be the case that she doesn’t even know. We doubt she’d let millions of readers have her future books spoiled by CW scriptwriters.
(2) It’s unlikely that after a mere thirteen episodes (and only half a season) down, there are plans for a big reveal. We’re guessing it’s like Lost and How I Met Your Mother: The producers want you to think they know how it will end, but really they have no frigging idea how to get themselves out of their own mess.
(3) Remember when the whole show began with a blog post about S. returning to the city from boarding school and Lonelyboy spotting her in Grand Central? Eric van der Woodsen was in a mental institution at the time because he had just tried to kill himself. They don’t just let you cruise the Internet any old way you like when you’re on suicide watch.
(4) Gossip Girl is really mean about Serena. Eric, for all we can tell, loves Serena and helps cover for her whenever he can. Gossip Girl is also critical of Jenny Humphrey, who Eric has obviously chosen to pretend to love until he can get up the guts to come out of the closet.
(5) Hello, Gossip Girl is Vanessa. Who else hangs around Constance Billard for no reason and is obsessed with recording other people’s social lives? And who else is so good with computers?
That being said, as we know better than anyone, things on Gossip Girl don’t always follow the rules of time, space, or logic. It would make sense that sweet, vanilla little Eric would have a secret darker side. It might just make him the most realistic character on the show. Oh, God, what if we’ve ruined the show for you? WHAT HAVE WE DONE!?!