This morning, “Page Six” reported that the Sultan of Brunei and Raffaello Follieri met for lunch at the Dorchester Hotel, in London. Confused as to what the Sultan, who is famously estranged from his rogue brother, Jeffri, was doing with the rogue Italian businessman/Anne Hathaway boyfriend, we attempted to imagine what they might be talking about over tea and scones.
The Sultan of Brunei: Hello, Hathaello.
Raffaello: Hello, your majesty. Er, your Sultan-ity?
The Sultan of Brunei: No need to be so formal! Please, call me Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu’izzaddin Waddaulah. And how are you, today, Hathaello.
Raffaello: Um, I’m fine. And, by the way, it’s not a big deal, but my name is Raffaello. Hathaello is this name that some people gave to me and my girlfriend, together.
The Sultan of Brunei: What? You mean Anne Hathaway isn’t coming to this lunch? I have been watching that scene from Brokeback Mountain when she and Jake are in the backseat of the car, on repeat, all week just to prepare myself.
Raffaello: Oh, wow.
The Sultan of Brunei: I also loved her in The Princess Diaries. Very poised.
Raffaello: Yes, she is.
The Sultan of Brunei: So why did you want to meet me today, over lunch at the Dorchester in London, if not just to dash my dreams of meeting the star of the Devil Wears Prada? And how did you get here so quickly? I just read that you were at the Miss Sixty show. I love the fringed mukluks they’re doing this year.
Raffaello: I took a private jet, which I paid for with my World Missions Visa credit card. One percent of net purchases go to … the Society for the Propagation of the Faith.
The Sultan of Brunei: Is that like the Human Fund?
Raffaello: Kinda. Anyway, you see, I’m looking to expand my business, and I need backers. I just ended my financial relationship with Ron Burkle —
The Sultan of Brunei: Oh! I know him! We met through our mutual friend, Blanket. You might know of his dad, Michael Jackson.
Raffaello: Oh, yes.
The Sultan of Brunei: He’s a strange man, Blanket’s dad. He sort of ditched me for the Sultan of Bahrain, which is awkward.
Rafaello: Yes, that is awkward.
The Sultan of Brunei: Completely unexpected. Also, it’s not clear on whether Blanket’s dad actually knows that we are two different Sultans. But, anyway, what type of business are you in?
Raffaello: I buy dilapidated churches from archdiocese and sell them as luxury real estate.
The Sultan of Brunei: [Laughs for a long, long time.]
Raffaello: What’s so funny?
The Sultan of Brunei: Dude, I’m from Brunei. Everybody’s Muslim or Buddhist. A half-percent of our population is Catholic. They don’t even have a cathedral.
Raffaello: But I can’t work in America anymore! No one there understands my relaxed European attitude toward work, and Bill Clinton is mad at me. Do you know he’s running to be president again?
The Sultan of Brunei: Did you know that I own this hotel?
Raffaello: Oh, no. I didn’t.
The Sultan of Brunei: I do. Get out.
The Sultan of Brunei: Get out! [Follieri runs for the door. The Sultan addresses a lackey] Elaine, get me Blanket on the phone. I’ve just been reminded of a score I’ve wanted to settle for a long time…