Remember yesterday, when Cindy Adams claimed that Jerry Springer the Opera had defiled the “holy temple” of Carnegie Hall? That the performance was “despicable, debasing, disgusting, degrading, dehumanizing, revolting,” etc? Well, we only wish she had been at Carnegie Hall last night. The downtown comedy club Comix set up a musical revue there, with proceeds to benefit the Writers Guild, starring Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane and MadTV star Alex Borstein. It was riotous. Janeane Garofalo did some stand-up to introduce the pair (while also introducing the theory that if pristine screen goddess Natalie Portman were to ever defecate, the result would be rushed to Magnolia Bakery to make delightful “confections”), and then MacFarlane and Borstein took the stage to sing a song for every letter of the alphabet. They described the lineup as akin to “listening to a retard’s iPod.” Below, we have their set list. Remember, MacFarlane and Borstein voice many of the characters on Family Guy, and MacFarlane’s actual everyday voice is that of Brian, the alcoholic dog. Anyway, for diehard fans, here’s what you missed:
A. The theme from Animal House
B. “But I’m Yours,” from Family Guy
C. “Call Me” by Blondie, as sung by Borstein’s MadTV character Ms. Swan
D. “Don’t Stop Believin’”
E. “Edelweiss” [Ed: This is where it all began to go downhill.] Borstein interrupted MacFarlane to say that, as a Jew, she didn’t like how this song glorified the Austrians’ role in WWII. MacFarlane considered this, and then replied, “Carnegie Hall is not the place to bring your fucking Hebrew baggage.”
F. “The Flash Gordon Theme,” including mock blow job
G. “Gimme More,” by Britney Spears. “She’s a hillbilly who won the lottery,” explained MacFarlane. “It’s like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park.”
H. “How Deep Is Your Love?” by the Bee Gees. (“Man, what a bunch of queers.”)
I. “Isn’t It Awfully Nice to Have a Penis,” by Monty Python, as sung by Stewie
J. A “Jesse’s Girl” & “June” mashup
K. [Ed: Okay, we’ll admit, we forgot what “K” was. Probably because we snuck in a fifth of Wild Turkey and were just getting going. Commenters? Anybody remember?]
L. “No Longer Your Whore,” as sung by Lindsay Lohan. To the tune of “Part of Your World,” from The Little Mermaid. A real show-stopper.
M. “The Theme from Masters of the Universe”
N.“The Neverending Story”
O. Intermission Overture
P. “Private Dancer,” by Tina Turner. “That’s a whore,” Borstein helpfully explained.
Q. “The ‘Q’ Man Loves Nobody,” from Family Guy Live in Las Vegas. Performed as a duet between Quagmire and Patti LuPone. YES THAT’S RIGHT. Patti LuPone. Who was shortly told by MacFarlane, “To me you’re just vagina #602.”
R. “Reading Rainbow” and “Rainbow Connection,” as sung by Kermit the frog. It was weird at this point how hearing MacFarlane do Kermit made us want to have sex with him. Like, really weird.
S. “Shipoopi.” If you don’t know it, look it up.
T. “I’m Picking Out a Thermos for You,” from the Jerk
U. Diana Ross’s “Upside Down,” as sung by Marlee Matlin. Yes, they went there.
V. A Stewie duet with William Shatner
W. “What Would We Do Baby Without Us,” a.k.a. the theme from Family Ties
X. The “Juicy Fruit” Jingle
Y. “You Don’t Eat My Pussy,” to the tune of “You Don’t Buy Me Flowers,” by Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond
Z. Closing theme
The theme of the night was encapsulated in the moment when MacFarlane called his mother to the stage. She was sitting with Borstein’s parents in the eighth row. She walked up to the mike, a fashionable woman in her sixties, wearing a sleek bob and skinny jeans, and addressed the crowd. With a quiet, tinny voice, she proclaimed: “Suck my dick, Carnegie Hall!”
We only wished Cindy could have seen it.