Perhaps you think that Lee Tachman, Marc Sperling, and Paul Parmar — all of whom talked to the Times today about how they plan to continue throwing money around despite the souring economy — didn’t do anything wrong. So they took a few vacations, bought themselves a few nice houses, you say. It’s their money. They deserve it. The most they are guilty of, you might say, is poor judgment in allowing their assholity to be recorded in the Times forever.
But is that really all?
The People (as represented by Daily Intel) would like to note that Tachman, Sperling, and Parmar (hence, ‘The Defendants’) in the Times (hence, ‘The article’) are not only in flagrant violation of Modesty and Taste Laws, but have broken several other bylaws in the Code of Common Decency. For this, Daily Intel suggests that they be charged with the following crimes:
Name: Lee Tachma
Occupation: Branch office manager, Assent LLC
Crimes: One (1) count of Hummer Usage; one (1) count of participation in “extreme adventure paintball”; plus two (2) counts of Unacceptable Verbiage including referring to the amount of buildings he owns as “a handful” and using the word “insane” to refer to something other than a mentally ill person, i.e., “It was just all out — it was insane,” said Mr. Tachman. “I’m not afraid to spend money like that.”
Name: Marc Sperling (not pictured)
Occupation: President of equity-trading company Sperling Enterprises LLC
Crimes: Two (2) counts of Meatheadery, as exemplified by the Defendant’s ownership of properties in both Murray Hill and Miami Beach, and one (1) count of Classism: “I don’t want to sound harsh, but the people who were buying million-dollar houses with a combined household income of $70,000 or $80,000 were the ones who were chasing easy money,” he said.
Name: Paul Parmar
Occupation: Investor in companies specializing in health care, defense, media, luxury items, and private aviation
Crimes: One (1) count of Possession of a Grade A Tacky Mansion; one (1) count of Flashy Convertibleism; known member of the perverse society Luxautica, an “ultimate car club” with annual fees of about $125,000. In the Defendant’s favor, the people might take into consideration that he is spending $20 million to build a refuge for abused tigers. However, that is also quite weird.