John McCain is scheduled to give a speech at his alma mater, Episcopal High School, in Alexandria, Virginia, today. According to Reuters, the speech will address what led the Arizona senator to become the temperamental, F-bomb-dropping hothead that we know and, well … know. “In all candor, as an adult I’ve been known to forget occasionally the discretion expected of a person of my years and station when I believe I’ve been accorded a lack of respect I did not deserve,” he will say, according to Reuters. But, he’ll stress, he’s actually much better now than he used to be, and if any of us had seen him back in the day, then surely we would “marvel at the self-restraint and mellowness [he] developed as an adult.” We’re marveling, all right. To think, it only took 71 years for McCain to achieve a state wherein he only occasionally makes fun of 13-year-old girls and calls his fellow senators “fucking jerks.” By the time McCain is, say, 112, he might actually be really nice!
“This election was lost by the Democrats,” he says.