early and often

The Official North Carolina and Indiana Primary Sobriety Game

Hillary and Barack in Philadelphia

The candidates in Philadelphia last month. Oh, what. Like it’s any different from now?Photo: Getty Images

You know what? You shouldn’t drink tonight. Yes, if you’re a Democrat you’re going to want to get obliterated, knowing that the results of tonight’s Indiana and North Carolina primaries probably won’t change anything in the race. You’re going to want to drown away your sorrows the way that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton’s incessant pissing contest is washing away your hopes for a Democratic president in 2009. But get up off the floor! Get that bottle of whiskey out of your hand (okay, let’s be honest, it was Pinot Grigio) and get yourself together. There is a long way to go yet in this primary season year and you aren’t going to make it through by poisoning your liver and thickening your back fat. So below, we give you instructions on how to make the most of tonight. Instead of a drinking game, we present, a sobriety game. Get out your Luna Bars and Pom Wonderful juice, because it’s going to be a late night.

• Anytime the camera zooms in on Wolf Blitzer in front of a giant screen on CNN, drink one eight-ounce glass of water. If he strides dramatically anywhere at the same moment, take a wheatgrass shot.
• Anytime Bill Hemmer gives a personal shout-out to his touch-screen “Bill Board” on Fox News, do a

• If you can find Chuck Todd’s chin (without the help of a goatee, as that is a false indicator), assign someone else in the room to do twenty push-ups. If you can find George Stephanopoulos’s scalp through his hair part, you may sit on their backs while they do them.
• If anyone other than Fox News calls one of the primaries first, everyone do twenty squats. If, 30 minutes after Fox has called it, Campbell Brown is still saying “It’s too close to call,” do a set of Kegels.
• If you can figure out how to watch Dan Rather’s live commentary on HDNet, give yourself an apricot foot scrub.
• If Anderson Cooper finds an excuse to show his arms (even in a commercial involving pythons), do a set of ten curls. If you don’t have dumbbells, use that ten-pound bag of granola you got at Trader Joe’s a month ago but have never eaten.
• If you see the same footage of Indiana or North Carolinians voting repeated, do ten push-ups. For every time it is repeated, do ten more, until you are tough enough to talk about Homeland Security.
• If Hillary wears a bright color during her triumphant speech (which she will give, have no doubt, even if she loses), do 30 jumping jacks. Maniacally happy facial expressions and laughter are optional.
• If Obama makes his audience tear up during his triumphant speech (which he will give, have no doubt, even if he loses), give yourself a facial using Kiehl’s Facial Fuel energizing scrub.
• For every time before the races are called that a pundit says tonight’s results won’t stop the race from running through to the convention, do a sit-up.

And you thought you couldn’t do 400 sit-ups in one night! See, doesn’t that burn feel better than alcohol?

Tomorrow morning — that’s when we drink!

The Official North Carolina and Indiana Primary Sobriety Game