We always knew goats were a threat to our national security. Just look at them, with their horns and their shifty eyes and their — we’ll say it because we will not be silenced — terrorist beards. In the past whenever we tried to suggest that goats should not be trusted and that even if some goats seemed okay we certainly shouldn’t be employing them at national parks to eat the weeds around historic structures so that the vegetation doesn’t get into cracks and cause them to crumble, we were silenced by New York liberals. They were all, “Oh, but it’s good for the environment and they’re so cute. Here, try some of this Bailey-Hazen Blue.” But today we were vindicated, when a cell of terrorist goats, who had been working as grazers at Staten Island’s Fort Wadsworth, snuck under a fence into a restricted area at the base of the Verrazano Bridge. Despite the fact that there were barricades, sensors, intrusion alarms, and surveillance cameras in the area, the goats didn’t set off any alarms. No. They knew exactly what they were doing. Much to our alarm, the papers aren’t taking this threat to American freedom seriously — they’re all running articles with puns about “weapons of grass destruction” — and neither is the Department of Homeland Security, which released the goats this morning.
“The goats were taken into custody and turned over to the Army once it was determined not to be illegal aliens or agents of terror,” said a source.
But we know better. There is a goat reckoning upon us, people. We’ll be speaking about this more tonight on The O’Reilly Factor, God willing. We’ve got calls into him now. We somehow think he’s the only one who will listen.