sex diaries

The 33-Year-Old Yearning for His First Real Relationship

Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the 33-Year-Old Yearning for His First Real Relationship: male, screenwriter and graduate student, Bay Ridge, gay, single.

7:31 p.m.: Wake up with morning wood that won’t go away. Don’t have time to take care of it. Get showered and ready for an appointment.
10 a.m.: In the waiting room, I ponder the fact that I have been single for fifteen years. I have never had a serious relationship. I hope one day I will make a viable connection with another gay man who is attracted to me. However, because I have been single and independent for so long, I am not sure how to let others in.
Noon: Go to Coney Island Beach. I see plenty of half-naked men, with their assets for the world to see. I get very aroused. I wish I were with a guy, and we could hold hands and just be together. But I am surrounded by only herds of heterosexuals that are able to display ample signs of affection. Not me, which is frustrating to say the least.

4:16 p.m.: I arrive home in Brooklyn. Jerk off twice within one hour to bear porn I downloaded. Feel awesome and rested.
8:31 p.m.: Meet up with my BFF (a bi female). We eventually go back to my place in Brooklyn with cigarettes and beers in hand, to troll the Net for men seeking men on Craigslist, for a laugh. See nothing of interest.
10 p.m.: My friend changes and shows me her breasts. I remark on how lovely they are by squeezing them humorously. I mention if I were straight, I would screw her.
12:13 a.m.: Head out for a walk with my friend. We intently watch two other couples make out on benches. I feel envious. There seems to be a lot of love around me.
2:30 a.m.: We go back home and sleep in my bed, but don’t ever touch one another. Even though I dearly love my friend, it is not the same as being with a man, where I feel a sense of safety and security.

10:37 a.m.: Sleep in late because my friend stayed over. I feel lonely and somewhat restless.
12:30 p.m.: I see a man on the train with large balls directly in front of me. He is wearing no underwear. I get aroused. I see a ring on his finger. I am endlessly attracted to unavailable men.
4 p.m.: Head over to school to work on a project. This guy in the study room that has been checking me out for months finally smiles and says hi. I say hi back and feel an intense rush.
8 p.m.: Place an ad on Craigslist seeking mutual oral gratification. I receive some interesting responses. I realize that this is just another way to have a human connection. I am becoming desperate. I seriously need to construct my feelings and thoughts on staying connected to men like me that are nice and available.
9:45 p.m.: A 43-year-old bi man that responded to my ad arrives at my pad. We chat for a bit and then make out intensely. We strip naked and exchange oral sex; however, neither of us has an orgasm. I eventually give him a sensual massage. I get more satisfaction from just being naked together and kissing, as opposed to the actual head he gave me.
11:40 p.m.: My hookup leaves. I think I couldn’t reach a climax because I am a point in my life where I crave more. I crave real human intimacy that doesn’t involve a quick fuck. I want something beyond that, where it means something.
11:52 p.m.: Decide I am not going to finish what I started, so I take a sleeping pill and watch Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Go to bed alone.

8:30 a.m.: Wake up. I put on classical music, which gives me a sense of calm.
9:30 a.m.: Do a massive weekly cleanup of apartment. It is frustrating sometimes to have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. However, in the midst of my cleanups, I have time to think.
1:17 p.m.: I chat for a few moments with this guy that wants to hook up. I tell him I can’t because I have some work I have to finish. I log off.
1:31 p.m.: Masturbate for ten minutes, fantasizing about the man I saw on the train. It seems that this is the only way I can reach orgasm. Because I have been perpetually alone all my adult life, I have trained my body to release only in the privacy of my own company. Pathetic, no?
5:01 p.m.: Continue to have an all-day erection at work. Want to take care of it, but too tired to deal with it right now.
9:05 p.m.: My BFF calls me. We discuss the man I was with the evening before. She is happy I had some action. She is alone too. I wish she had a great girlfriend. She deserves the best.
11:30 p.m.: I can’t stop thinking about this guy I was with almost a month ago. We had this deep, intimate connection on a couple of occasions without intercourse. I quivered when we were together. For some apparent reason, he did not follow up. I miss his touch. Wish he were in my bed, so I could hold him tight and make love to him all night. It makes me sad just thinking about it. We live in the same neighborhood. I hope I don’t run into him. How awkward would that be?
1 a.m.: Can’t sleep, so I pop a sleeping pill. Did I mention I have an addiction to Ambien CR?

8:30 a.m.: Wake up stiff. Decide to let it go down via the cold shower I am going to take.
10 a.m.: Meet up with a friend of a friend, who is just going through a painful divorce. I see the pain and hurt in her eyes.
11 p.m.: Start my evening by going out to a gay bar in Brooklyn. Have a few drinks, but nothing happens in terms of meeting guys I like. This is yet another reason I avoid most of the gay scene altogether. Many of the men I see are miserable and lonely. I hope that is not me when I am older. Yikes.
2 a.m.: Pop another Ambien.

9 a.m.: Emerge from deep sleep and take a long shower. I realize that by going out once in a while, I am staying connected on some level with the gay community. But it becomes very wearing after many years.
10 a.m.: Make breakfast and search the Internet, where all the men are posting all the same shit. Boring. Whatever happened to creativity?
1:35 p.m.: Go back home and jerk off to men on Feel restored as always when I finish.
7 p.m.: I go out for dinner by myself and then take a walk. I have that independent streak in me where I can go anywhere and be alone. But I am realizing that I have become too comfortable being alone. Need to force myself to let others in.
10:35 p.m.: Head over to Excelsior for drinks. I meet two nice men who are married to one another. They flirt and invite me over to their place for a threesome. The younger husband is very into me and begins to touch me in ways I think are questionable.
2:05 p.m.: I am given a ride back to their place. I hesitate once I arrive and decline politely twice. They give me a ride back to my apartment. I get in my bed and go to sleep. I think how lovely it would be to have some other person have my back, like this couple seemed to have. I didn’t want to tarnish their union. It didn’t seem appropriate. I am glad I didn’t give in to lust.

Noon: Wake up from slight hangover. Feel rested.
1 p.m.: Talk to a couple of friends about my night. We discuss how brutal NYC can be and commiserate on the many single people in the city. I feel stuck and know that changes need to be implemented in order for me to have a healthy relationship.
5:15 p.m.: Turn on the A/C and watch American Psycho on HBO. I know, it is a dark satire, but I love watching Christian Bale. He is one of my fantasy husbands. But, again, it is just a fantasy and nothing else. It would be nice to make dinner with someone special and discuss how our weeks went.
Midnight: Tune in to hear my favorite weekly radio show on WPLJ. I listen to the topic of the week on self-esteem. It enables me to wonder how I have managed at 33 to have yet to successfully obtain a relationship. I conclude that if I thought more highly of myself, then I would attract the right people. It is something to think about.

8:13 p.m.: Start day and take yet another shower. No morning wood, unfortunately. I feel scathed and vulnerable writing all of these intimate details about my life.
11:45 p.m.: Have session with therapist. I point out how I am struggling to create boundaries in establishing relations with other men.
1 p.m.: Head over to school.
9:35 p.m.: Get out of theDark Knight, which was intense and amazing. My friend remarks on how I need to stop searching for love, and how it will find me. Funny … everyone seems to say that. I don’t agree. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there in order to make a connection in this town. You have to go after it, or else you will continue to go unnoticed as I have for too many years.

TOTALS: Zero acts of intercourse; one aborted threesome; one act of fellatio, non-orgasmic; four acts of masturbation; one night sleeping with platonic female friend; two Ambien CRs.

The 33-Year-Old Yearning for His First Real Relationship