ink-stained wretches

The Death of the Celebrity Profile, Part VIIIIIIIXIXIXIIXI

Ivanka’s favorite foods are “burgers, pizza, pasta.”Photo: Getty Images

Gather round, children. It’s time to make like the public executions of the Middle Ages and gather here in the town square, where together we can watch the genre known as the “magazine celebrity profile” spasm and lose control of its bowels in the painful last stages before death. Today’s atrocity comes from a Page Six Magazine profile of Ivanka Trump, which entreats us to believe that the real-estate heiress is as intelligent as she is “hot.”

The scene: The Trump Park Avenue. The author is about to meet the young heiress, who is gliding down the stairs after her photo shoot for the magazine. (Remember: “Nobody remembers the words; everyone remembers the pictures.”)

Ivanka is heard before she’s seen. She’s talking to her assistant, and even when giving orders, her voice is a sexy purr. Still clad in a flowing black gown from her Page Six Magazine cover shoot, she descends the staircase like a Duchamp painting in motion. The first thing you notice about the 26-year-old is how tall (5’11”), blonde (natural) and pretty (mostly natural) she is. Her skin is smooth and flawless and her slender neck is swanned forward, peering at her BlackBerry. Her fingers are a blur of text messaging.

Some people just look naked even when dressed, we guess. Anyway, in addition to the dress that makes her look like a nude painting in the Cubist style, Ivanka is wearing a diamond necklace from her eponymous jewelry collection. Will that diamond necklace reveal the essence of Ivanka Trump? Yes, yes it will.

Diamonds are logical material for Ivanka: The jewel and the jeweler share many characteristics. Exclusive, expensive and rare, diamonds are formed through immense pressure that transforms chaotic carbon into a well-organized and usually flawless crystal lattice. Even then, a diamond must be cut, brushed and polished before it becomes the perfect multifaceted rock. One of the hardest minerals in the world, they are nearly impossible to scratch. The word diamond comes from the Greek word for invincible. Ivanka, likewise, seems impossible to crack.

Question: If we squeezed this profile for a long time at a very high temperature, would we then get a diamond? Or only graphite?

Ivanka Trump’s View From The Top [Page Six Mag]
Earlier: The Death of the Celebrity Profile, Part VIIIIIIIXIXIXIIX

The Death of the Celebrity Profile, Part VIIIIIIIXIXIXIIXI