We know it’s hard to find a good date in this city. Even if he seems nice at first, it takes years to work through the variables: Does he leave the toilet seat up? Does he leave hair on the edge of the sink? Does he like cats enough to adopt a few? Does he favor Northeastern microbreweries to those from Colorado? It’s all so tricky, and before you know, it, you’re avoiding eye contact in divorce court.
That’s what one optimistic Carroll Gardens Craigslist poster had in mind when she compiled a list of everything she’s looking for in a man. She’d searched for her Prince Charming on Facebook (eww, really?), Match.com, eHarmony — even JDate! But when it comes down to it, Craigslist — her last hope, her final plea! — was clearly the proper venue for her exacting list of qualifications.
Here is what I am looking for. It’s not much. If you’re this guy or know
this guy, have him contact me right away.
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train
in either direction
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture
-must be 420 friendly
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the
edge is GROSS
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary
-some knowledge of vintage wine
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to
practice my French from study abroad
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy
Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not.
Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond
accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated
restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more
-owning a car is a plus, but it can’t be a hatchback (some standards)
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it
comes to town
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access
-must love pinball and not play ping pong
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films
-must agree to watch “The Hills” on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch
Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if
you’re an Ebay power seller too!
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar,
Georgetown etc. acceptable
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we’re on
the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job
costume is not an excuse.
If you are one of the three non-smoking, tri-lingual Ivy League graduates with knowledge of vintage wine and CPR certification who lives within five stops of Carroll Gardens, then quick! To your BlackBerry! This could be your chance to bag the neurotic girlfriend you’ve always dreamed of!
SWF who isn’t asking too much - 32 [Craigslist]
Update: As we suspected (do you people not read our cleverly crafted category names any more?), this turned out to be a fake posting, written by Richard Blakeley.