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Gossip Girl Leaves Us Writhing in Excruciating Pleasure

Once again, Gossip Girl cycled through plotlines like a week’s worth of episodes on MTV’s Undressed. Jenny quits her Eleanor Waldorf internship, cutting off tragically dozens of potentials threads (heh) about sexual harassment, child labor, and elimination challenges in which she has to make an entire outfit out of the various parts of a Saturn hybrid. Nate acts out his little-sister fantasy with Jenny almost immediately after moving in, which also bypassed the chance at all kinds of voyeurism, flirtation, and bathroom humor. Seriously, these writers need to learn something from soap operas. On All My Children, it took Babe literally two weeks to bleed to death. Things were all moving a little too fast, and as usual only Blair and Chuck really saw what was going on, and that only they could stop it. In the end, they made the ultimate sacrifice: They deferred their great love story in order to make way for more interesting plotlines in the future. “Chuck and Blair going to the movies? Chuck and Blair holding hands?” Yeah, we couldn’t really see it, either.

And now onward, to the reality index!

Realer Than a Sex Dream That Ends Right Before You Want It To
• Gossip Girl narrates Blair’s sleepy fantasy about Chuck: “Every girl dreams about finding her Prince Charming. But if that prince refuses to come?” Plus 5 for the Chuck impotence double entendre, but showing him going down on her in the limo was a little gross, we must say.
• Nate thinks if he flashes his adorable, boyish smile enough, he can make it seem like he’s not perving on a sophomore. Plus 2, because hello, that’s the whole problem with ritzy private schools. Nineteen-year-old boys are in the same social group as 14-year-old girls who dress up like “adults.”
• Izzie’s godfather is Warren Buffett? Eh, we’d buy it. But plus only 1 because he’d be too busy fixing buying America while it is down to answer the phone during the day.
• Jenny’s dress is kinda cute. Also, duh, big fashion houses have tons of designers. Plus 2 for Eleanor thinking of herself as a “creative director,” and plus 1 for Jenny not understanding that at all.
• “So ever since Charlize Theron became the face of Dior I’ve wanted to change my signature scent,” says Blair. Plus 3, because of course she would dis the carefree blonde bitch.
• Wait, did they just reference the fact that Rufus has mild, blinky Tourette’s? Plus 4. It’s so nineties rock! Like how the lead singer of Third Eye Blind had that weird lisp no one ever talked about.
• “So he just got up and left, abruptly?” Dan asks. “Like a Bass out of hell,” Blair replies. We swear, it’s like her headband whispers those lines into her ear. Plus 2.
• Serena did the turn-around, combined with the half-smile, to Aaron as she walked away from him. She’s such a fucking pro. Plus 3, because by “pro,” we mean “skank.”
• Of course Blair would be wearing a baby-doll nightie. Plus only 2, because no way would Chuck have bought for a minute that she was at Serena’s for a slumber party.
• Dan is opening a cheap box of Shiraz for the art opening. Plus 2.
• “Do you know how to weld?” Aaron asks Serena. “Um, I’ve seen Flashdance several times?” she replies. Aw, Serena! Plus 1 and A for effort!
• Max knows Aaron from RISD. Oy. Plus 2. That’s like a rapist knowing a con artist from Rikers.
• Weirdly, what happened with Blair and Chuck rang true to us. They panicked, they were scared, and they came a little too close to having their bravados burst. Plus, they are both such drama queens that they’d choose to stay in misery rather than turn to banal courtship. Plus 5.
• Also, it’s so teenage for them to say they’ll “wait” for one another. Plus 2. In reality they will get total Sudden Revulsion Syndrome in a matter of months, shuddering in embarrassment every time they remember baring their souls in such a dramatic way, and eventually move on, completely forgetting about the whole thing.
• Jenny was so pragmatic about her job situation at the art gallery when she was talking to Nate about it. Plus 3, because it lasted about two seconds.
• Agnes is totally Cory Kennedy and Max is her older, creepy, Cobrasnake boyfriend. Plus 11, for references to Nylon and Paper, Max’s kaffiyeh, the fact that Agnes is wearing the liquid leggings from Express, and the fact that all they seem to do is hang around taking pictures of themselves and their friends — Mark Max turned the camera on himself when they were making out.
• Jenny and Agnes bond while Jenny is fitting her into a giant, blousy, tie-dyed jumpsuit. Clearly, this is one of the designs Eleanor is having a hard time selling, and for good reason. Is it a subtle nod to the grossness of Blake Lively’s Fashion Week getup? It is now. Plus 2.
• How come every coat Serena wears makes a bulging rhombus out of her spectacular cleavage? Plus 5.
• Blair is a remarkably stoic crier. She’s the opposite of a Claire Danes type. Her chin doesn’t crumble one bit! Plus 2, because we always hated that about Angela Chase.

Faker Than a 15-Year-Old at Libation
• Blair would have never referenced having to “finish something” to Dorota after her interrupted sex dream. That’s way too embarrassing. Minus 2. An additional minus 2 for Dorota reminding her that “God is always watching.” Dorota would never be that judgy — or perceptive. She’s a nun, isn’t she?
• Dan spots Serena coming out of class and says, “How is AP Economics treating you?” Minus 10. Because as if.
• Jenny’s Joan Jett hair and terrible under-eyeliner should have been a bigger plot point. Minus 3, because at least Dan and Rufus would have made fun of her. Also, did she seem to have some kind of fake tan, too?
Minus 2 because even Nate would be able to stop himself from flirting with Jenny while wearing a towel for at least one week.
• Chuck gave Blair the puppy-dog face when he wanted her to get into the limo. Minus 2, because he would never.
• Chuck accuses Blair of ruining his pants. Vodka doesn’t ruin pants — we should know. Minus only 1, because obviously we’ve never worn pants that were made out of cotton candy and Vitalis, like Chuck does, so we may be wrong.
• Baby-doll nightie on Blair, yes. Boy-short panties, mmm, probably not. Minus 1.
• Suddenly Libation is cool again? No. Minus 4.
• Can we talk about the affectations they gave Aaron? The flannel, the thick glasses, the scarf, the folded arms and limp, twitchy wrists, oily skin, dog named Mookie. It may be accurate in a stereotypical way, but Serena would never fall for it. Minus only 1, because this may succeed in making us actually miss Dan.
• Did Blair get highlights? Minus 5.
• “The nape of the neck is Chuck’s Kryptonite.” Honestly. We’ve allowed ourselves to suspend some disbelief about Chuck and Blair’s supposedly mind-blowing sex life, but this is too much. Teenage boys are interested in two things, and neither of them is the “nape of the neck.” Minus 2.
• Aaron says, fagbotically, “If you can tell me the fate of Cecil the Caterpillar, I’ll go out with you.” But didn’t Serena just neg him? Minus 1.
• The loft where Agnes and Max take Jenny is on the same block of Ludlow Street as Libation. What, is there only one stock location for “downtown gritty”? (We actually saw Leighton Meester shooting a Teen Vogue cover with Patrick Demarchelier on that same block two weeks ago, but we digress.) Seriously, that block has no spacious lofts — it’s all nasty tenements where your neighbors are reclusive old Chinese men with newspapers papering their floors. Minus 4.
• Aaron has a motorcycle? Sister, please. A scooter, maybe. Minus 3.
• Both Dan and Serena go to great lengths to describe Aaron as a “nice” and “good” guy, when he is so blatantly not. He’s about as appealing as Gargamel in skinny jeans. Even those two aren’t that blind. Minus 2.

Gossip Girl Leaves Us Writhing in Excruciating Pleasure