Okay, we are actually starting to feel kind of bad for Raffaello Follieri. First, there was Anne Hathaway’s completely insane appearance on Saturday Night Live, wherein she made fun of they guy she broke up with in June as he sat in jail. “I broke up with my boyfriend, and two weeks later he was sent to prison for fraud,” she said. “I mean, we’ve all been there, right ladies?” Hahahahaha. No, stop, that’s totally weird. We just picture him watching it on his little black-and-white prison TV with all the other prisoners, and Monty the scarred, mean hermaphrodite prostitute taunting him about it in the mess hall or whatever for weeks, and wow, we know someone told you that would be funny, but that that was just not very nice, Anne.
Then today, prosecutors rebuffed Follieri’s lawyers’ request for leniency in his sentencing this Thursday, reiterating his crimes and saying he created a “false image of success.” A false image of success! We know it’s true, but did they need to say it like that?
They went on.
“Unlike narcotics traffickers and violent felons who often come from impoverished families, lack education and other opportunities, and grow up surrounded by bad influences, Follieri apparently had the background, family values and education to know better,” they snarfed.
Now hold up. Wait a second. Have these people even done background research? Have they not read the essential dossier on Raffaello Follieri? By which we mean have they not seen Page Six Magazine or Vanity Fair’s features? Because if they had, then they would know that Follieri’s father, Pasquale, was convicted in 2005 by an Italian court of embezzling $300,000 from a company whose assets he’d been asked to manage. Which means any defense lawyer worth their salt could invert the claim that his flashy playboy scheming ways are not hereditary and argue that they are hereditary and therefore it is not his fault! Because if one makes a claim in a court of law saying that something is not true and it turns out to actually be true, then even if it doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but you say it with a lot of conviction, then you win! Wow, we’re really good at this. We knew we should have gone into law.