Today in Gossip: Old Gals Go Bananas

Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus.

Gwyneth Paltrow is really there for Madonna right now in this tough time for her. Eminem apologized for calling Moby a “little girl” and threatening him at the 2002 MTV VMAs, an apology we’ve all been waiting for with increasing rage. Britney will perform in Bryant Park December 2 on Good Morning America, which beat out the Today show for her. Jason Biggs and his wife bought Palin and McCain masks, but Biggs wore Palin’s and his wife wore McCain’s, which is wild! Susan Sarandon, Matthew Modine, and other stars in the Creative Coalition are already RSVP’ing for their Obama victory ball, and David Geffen doesn’t regret calling the Clintons vindictive.

Harvey Keitel couldn’t get his baby to stop crying in Hudson River Park. Paula Abdul drank only water at Bocca di Bacco. Lynda Carter wore open-toed, spike-heeled Vuitton boots while chatting about her new Feinstein’s cabaret show with Cindy Adams, who brags she ate a whole box of cookies. But you can get away with it, Cindy! You also report: Michael Phelps is dating a woman named Marina who’s Barbara Walters’s assistant; Ian McKellen rips the anti-gay Leviticus part out of Bibles in hotel rooms; and Orlando Bloom got in a major accident somehow and smashed several body parts.

In more old-dame news, Liz Smith says that Cindy and Barbara were at the All My Sons opening with her and borrowed money from her to pay their check later at Joe Allen’s, but Liz says they were “in disguise” as Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Wha? Liz, what the hell are you talking about? Liz also thinks this staging of All My Sons is kind of ludicrous, even though Katie Holmes is the best one and “lovely looking.” Big surprise there. Liz also has a very convoluted tale about how MoMA wouldn’t give the W. premiere extra screening rooms to accommodate 400 MoveOn.org guests until MoMA film guy Raj Endra had screened the whole film.

Michelle Obama wasn’t even staying at the Waldorf last week, let alone ordering lobster via room service, as the Post reported, and the Post threatens to assassinate their source. Irish America magazine mistook Adam Sandler for Ben Stiller and said he was “Irish on his mother Anne Meara’s side.” Liz Taylor, 76, hangs out at the L.A. gay bar the Abbey, where she does tequila shots and has a huge, gold-framed portrait of herself hanging over the D.J. booth with a plaque. Sean Penn checked out an oil pipeline with his bud Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. Tom Cruise went to see Tina Turner’s show in Chicago, but maybe he was a little hurt that Turner told the crowd that Oprah, not him, was “my best girlfriend”? Ann Coulter at the supermarket in Florida said that McCain was “toast unless he can pull out something sensational.” (In bed with her … ha-ha-ha-ha! Just kidding, we added that.)

Today in Gossip: Old Gals Go Bananas