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‘Gossip Girl’ Doesn’t Know a Lot About Parents

“Goonies are good enough, Blair.”

A lot of you dear readers thought that “Bonfire of the Vanity” was the WORST.EPISODE.EVER. And just as many of you had problems with Rufus’s parenting, Eleanor’s parenting, Bart’s parenting, our characterization of Bart’s parenting, and even Lily’s parenting (where the hell was she this episode, anyway?). But not enough of you had a problem with the fact that any New York Magazine cameo on the show would not be complete without a visit to the office, where two unwashed gremlins in corner cubicles would stare hungrily at Dan, licking their lips and taking camera-phone pictures gleefully. Seriously. We didn’t even need to have any lines! Walk-on roles would have been enough!

Anyway, a lot of you had gripes about the lack of Clueless and Princess Bride references in the script, but none of you caught our genius (if you ask us) reference to PB in our recap! Blast!

Realer Than the Frantic Tone of That Intern’s Voice

• Bart doesn’t care about Dan — he’s still got a chip on his shoulder about the fact that Rufus is hotter/better in bed/Lily’s one true love/has superior hair. Plus 2 because nothing that Bart does is altruistic. — BRAXTONHICKS, echoed all around

Plus 2 for Eleanor willingness to ditch Blair’s party for a Cyndy Lauper concert with Cyrus. — CAPT

Plus 5 for Serena continuously ditching her best friend in her times of need for some boy shes not even sure about. We’ve all been there. — SPOTTED423

• Actually, I kind of like that for once, GG showed one of the children doing actual HOMEWORK, even though Chuck reading on his bed was an unlikely candidate. I’d give this a Plus 3. GJO

• Agnes: “Your screechy voice is doing nothing for my pounding headache.” Thank God someone finally told Jenny to tone it down. Plus 4. CASSANDOVER17X

Plus 10 for Jenny’s shriek of “You’re out of your mind!” Very realistic 15-year-old-whose-world-is-crashing-down-around-her shriek. I was impressed. — PURPLEANDGREEN

Plus 5 for Jenny filing for emancipation, because what teenage girl didn’t seriously consider doing the same upon learning it was possible? — OMFGITSMAGGIE

Faker Than Aaron’s Murky Age and Lineage:

• If Cyrus Rose divorced his ex-wife after the Golden Lion died at the end of the Vietnam War, wouldn’t that make Aaron, i don’t know, 33 YEARS OLD?!? Minus 10.LAUGHLOVELIVE, echoed all around

Minus 5. Because no self respecting New Yorker would stop in the middle of the sidewalk in Times Square to make out, no matter how ‘dreamy’ the boy may be. — WONKETTELOVER, echoed all around

Minus 1 because don’t the writers know that Cyrus Rose’s first true love was a teacher in Beverly Hills by the name of Ms. Geist? — NGFROMFL

Minus 5 for Bart Bass turning into a complete PUSSY and suddenly confessing to being responsible for the death of a man… The guy is a billionaire real estate investment mogul. Are we really to believe he breaks down to a 17 year old who is totally transparently sucking up to him? — SOPHIEROSE

Minus 3 for “” I mean, really? It couldn’t be something at Gmail, Yahoo, AOL, ANYTHING other than “” Is that a big e-mail server I’m missing? — MARTELL

Minus 5: Kim Lee does not mean “Golden Lion” in Vietnamese. Kim Lee is not even a Vietnamese name. — LITTLEJ

Minus 5 for no birthday present from Chuck. Birthdays are the holy grail of excuses to talk to exes for no apparent reason. — BAMBII

Minus 3 for Blair and Eleanor spending carefree childhood days lip-synching to ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’. Blair, sweetie - that was with your father. — BRAXTONHICKS

Minus 4 for Rufus, the parent who has given up actual parenting to play his guitar alone at home. — MICHAEL CONNELLY (NY MAG)

Minus 2 for Serena’s outfit during the photoshoot. Tights are not pants!!! Her shirt was so short I thought Gossip Girl was going to introduced yet another character of Serena’s this week…. — CEE5283

Minus 5 because any normal ‘acting out’ teenager would just forge their parents signature to get what they want (or was that just me) — BLIZ7734

Our totals:
Real: 160 (weighted heavily by a 100-point bonus for New York inclusion)
Fake: 62

Combined totals:
Real: 196
Fake: 110

‘Gossip Girl’ Doesn’t Know a Lot About Parents