white men with sunglasses on their penises

Disgraced Hedge-Funder Sam Israel Goes Long in the Bedroom

Now picture him with sunglasses on his … head.

Holy mother of gross. Debra Ryan, former paramour of Samuel Israel, the hedge-funder who attempted to escape fraud charges by faking his own death last summer, talked to Marie Claire about, of all things, her “blazing sex life” with the convicted felon this month. And Marie Claire totally listened and printed it for some reason! And actually we can see why, seeing as, despite the fact that this sort of thing has no bearing on anything whatsoever, Debs gave up the kind of way-too-much information that it is (a) impossible to not listen to, and that (b) one needs to share immediately with others, so that one is not the only person scarred by the totally sick images begat by such information. Apparently, sex with Israel was “great” — or, wait, not just great. “It was the best ever,” which is why despite the fact that Israel coerced Ryan into helping him with his crackpot escape plan, subsequently getting her arrested, she can’t forget him. “I should just see it at face value and say he [screwed] me,” she notes, per the Post’s account. “But I can’t let go.” Ew. EW. Then there is the pièce de résistance:

Israel was “a joker” who “liked to sneak up on her, once while wearing sunglasses on his penis.”

Right. Now please regard the photo at left. Okay, now you have officially suffered as we have suffered. Pass it on.


Disgraced Hedge-Funder Sam Israel Goes Long in the Bedroom