We Need to Talk About You Drinking on Your Stoop

You may think that these guys aren’t like you, but notice the cardigan. The berets. The facial hair. They ARE you.

Hey there. We’re glad you came. Don’t be alarmed that we’re all here, there’s just something we wanted to talk about. Please sit down — no, it’ll just take a minute. We’re not mad, just take a seat, please. Okay, here goes. We know this is hard.

You need to stop drinking on your stoop. It’s just gotten out of hand. It used to be every once in a while, and then it turned into an every-summer-night thing. And it seems like lately you’re just not in control of it anymore. You’re even getting your friends into it! It’s getting embarrassing for us to go out the door now. You’re always there, with your Yuengling. Last month, you stopped even using the paper bag.

What? Oh, we know. You’re not being a public nuisance. In fact, you’re just being neighborly. You’re very friendly when you’re drinking on your stoop. But you don’t have a gate in front of the steps to your building, so it’s technically a “public place.” And your Yuengling, even though you recently switched to the light kind, is still 3.8 percent alcohol. The legal limit for liquids drunk on stoops is .005 percent.

We know this is difficult. If you don’t stop drinking on your stoop, there are going to be consequences. It’s just going to end so badly for all of us. Your family could be humiliated. Your lover might leave you. You could lose everything. You could even get a court appearance and a $15 fine. Think about it, it’s not worth it.

Here’s a story. You might want to read it. Just think about it:

A Beer, a Stoop, a Date in Court [City Room/NYT]

We Need to Talk About You Drinking on Your Stoop