Madonna and A-Rod Seek Fortress of Love

Madonna and A-Rod are supposedly looking at $30-to-$60-million mansions together on the Upper East Side, wanting one with a private garage so they can drive in unnoticed. Madonna, we talked about this yesterday: You already have 8,456 homes, including a big apartment on the Upper West Side, which you and A-Rod can simply walk into wearing bags or masks. Please hold on to some of that money you’ve worked so hard for singing and prancing all these years. It’s a recession, for the love of Solomon.

Regis and Kelly producer Michael Gelman denies he had to watch people barf on a rough JetBlue flight from Fort Lauderdale to New York. Cindy Adams, always so adorably smug when proven right, awaits her $10,000 check from Young Frankenstein producer Harvey Weinstein over their opening-night bet on how long it’d run for. (She said not long, he said five years, and now it’s closing after a bit more than a year.) Liz Smith spent Thanksgiving with playwright David Rabe, his wife Jill Clayburgh, and their actress daughter, Lily, who’s going to be in a new play with Mercedes Ruehl.

Michael Phelps is supposedly spending all his time boozing, hanging with babes, and losing thousands at poker, which is maybe what Anderson Cooper was hinting at when he called Phelps “relatively out of shape” the other day. Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend, Vladimir Doronin, sharing her talent for conflict resolution, punched a photographer in the stomach in Miami. Paris Hilton needs a new label for her second album because Warner Bros. let her go after her first sold only 75,000 copies in its first week. Boy George said he only handcuffed that hustler to the bed to make sure he wasn’t hacking Boy’s computer for porno pics of the two of them. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are still together, says Gwyneth’s rep.

Raconteurs bassist Jack Lawrence supposedly dumped his longtime girlfriend and sued her for $10,000 in back-rent once the band made it big, even though she supported his ass for ten years prior. Christopher Plummer has written a memoir in which he calls The Sound of Music “S&M,” which is wryly funny. Ashton Kutcher was at a debutante ball and didn’t know that “coming out” could mean something other than going publicly gay. Cher has supposedly been in Nepal working with orphans, showing them how to make the vocoder sound from her 1998 comeback hit “Believe.”

Everyone must now hail Beyoncé as a serious actress of gritty roles. And, breaking global tension, Kate Moss came clean that the scratches on her face were from her boyfriend, Kills guitarist Jamie Hince, and not from a box of Christmas decorations falling on her head. No more trying to pin domestic violence on the birth of the Christ child, Kate. That’ll come back on you.

Madonna and A-Rod Seek Fortress of Love