The Tax Hikes You Never Saw Coming

Governor David Paterson announced a proposed $121 billion budget this week, which includes taxes on things such as iPod downloads, taxi fares, and even soda. Those are the most famous ones, but of course Daily Intel can see what’s coming next. Here are some of the suggested taxes we spotted scribbled in the margins of a Paterson aide’s spiral notebook. Expect them any day now:

Mom tax: 18 percent tax on non-diet soda; 14 percent tax on beer, wine and cigars; 22 percent tax for going out dressed like that; 24 percent tax for jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge because your friends did; 30 percent tax for thinking this city is made of money; 27 percent tax for using that tone with us. Those caught crying about taxes will be given something to cry about.

Beast tax: The ever-growing population of city canines will be taxed based on level of irritation. Dogs with expensive doggie jackets, 12 percent; small, yapping dogs, 18 percent; people who carry small, yapping dogs in bags, 45 percent. Disabled dogs that use those adorable two-wheeled chariots for their hind legs will not be taxed, since they are so much fun to look at.

Crazy tax: Crazy is no longer free. City residents caught rubbernecking when passing crazy homeless people will be taxed according to how crazy the act: sort of crazy, 14 percent (senseless cooing at pigeons); really crazy, 16 percent (senseless cooing at pigeons while naked); craziest thing I ever saw, 36 percent (knitting overalls out of pigeon pelts).

Fat and Phat tax: If you are obese, you will be taxed accordingly. If you still use the word “phat,” you also will be taxed accordingly. If you still use the phrase “cool beans,” they will foreclose on your home.

Gas tax: Anonymously passing gas on the subway, then feigning shock that someone would do such a thing, will no longer be free. One person passes gas, everyone on the train gets taxed. Better be careful; now people will notice when you lean.

Tourist tax: City residents can approach tourists at any time, for any reason, and demand a tax. Taking photographs in your neighborhood, asking for directions, not walking with a sense of purpose — just a few reasons to levy a tax. Should residents feel motivated, they can even pull over one of those double-decker buses and make the tourists take you anywhere in the city.

Related: Governor Paterson to Tax Your Entertainment [Vulture]

The Tax Hikes You Never Saw Coming