On a normal week in the Observer, the gay quotient is discrete — contained like a dainty but bouncy little water balloon to the “Transom” page, or anything Simon Doonan or Choire Sicha contributes. But this week, writers John Koblin and Zachary Woolfe decided to up the ante, pushing the homotextuality to the limit, like when you fill a regular-size balloon with water and it becomes so powerful that it could shatter a car windshield, or knock your big brother entirely on his ass before exploding all over his Umbros.
Come with us, if you will, as we read through the article “Gays Go Ga-Ga Over Andrea Mitchell!!!!” (exclamation points not ours, for once). The basic premise is that even though the Anderson Coopers, Rachel Maddows, Sam Champions, Bill Hemmers, and Rob Marcianos of the media world are the most prominent gay heartthrobs, secretly there is a deep, simmering love among the ‘mos for Andrea Mitchell. She is, unbeknownst to us, the Elaine Stritch of the news.
Now we’ll just say to begin with that, as far as august newsladies who maybe have a little bit of a drag queen in them go, we’ve always been a little partial to Judy Woodruff and Diane Sawyer. But according to Koblin and Woolfe, we’re in a minority. “It had something to do with her performance at the very end of last year’s Republican convention, when she appeared completely unfazed by the avalanche of red, white and blue balloons pouring over her as she reported from the floor,” they write. “Endearing, tenacious, resilient!” Little, blonde, different.
They polled their fabulous friends — which is annoying not because it’s fake reporting, but because we totally thought WE were gay friends with John Koblin … we guess buying a $2 Bud Light every once in a while at the Phoenix means NOTHING — and one said, “She’s the Golden Girls rolled into one: the body of Sophia, the sassiness of Dorothy and probably a sex kitten like Blanche.” When they surveyed Andrea Mitchell’s “friends” on MySpace, they discovered “a whole lot of gayface.” She is later called “sassy” and an “aging diva,” and compared to Maria Callas and “Liza and Barbra and Bette.”
Okay, okay. So our people like Andrea. We’ll believe that. But after all of these antique stereotypes wound into one article, will they still like the Observer?
(The answer is yes — duh, it’s pink.)