Lourdes Just Couldn’t Take the Fighting Anymore

Guy Ritchie visited Madonna and the kids in New York, because supposedly Lourdes begged the two of them to get along. Lourdes even got Little Malawi David to stage this thing where he wrapped up his belongings in a handkerchief and tied it to a stick to make it look like he was sneaking back to Africa to escape the fighting. Okay, we projected that part. Joan Rivers stole the mirror from her dressing room after playing the closing party of the Cutting Room. Billy Elliot turned ‘Bama Bully Rahm Emanuel says the new administration isn’t getting involved in the whole picking-Hillary’s-Senate-successor thing, even though Caroline’s people have been whispering around that Obama supports her. Young, handsome, and all-powerful Jared Kushner, the man who claimed Ivanka Trump for the Jewish people, apparently sponsored a screening of the new WWII-era movie Defiance because his forebears fought the Nazis.

Starting off today with an ego explosion (“Not that you should worship, revere and adore me…”), Cin visits the New Fulton Fish Market at 2 a.m. Cin-bad, you did a lot of awesome old-school, Joe Mitchell–type reporting on this piece, and we can’t believe that in that freezing fish market you probably wrote it all down on those little bits of paper you write on at Broadway openings. But you sure carped enough. Will Ferrell’s commercial for his one-man show of Dubya, in which he says the word “douche,” was pulled from ABC and CBS … but you can still see it every few minutes on NY1! Literary agent Luke Janklow and his wife are divorcing shortly after she opened the Village restaurant Sweetiepie. Russell Simmons, at the movies, texted two people whose names in his cell were “[Redacted] Young Funny” and “[Redacted] African Educated.” Huh, we do that sometimes, too, to remember who people are in our cells!

Bill Murray bought size-six Valentino stilettos, Jimmy Choo espadrilles, and Miu Mius at Chuckies NY. Michael Moore is being sued for copyright infringement for posting a prize-winning photo of an American soldier carrying a wounded Iraqi girl on his website. Sharon Osbourne says that Jay Leno banned her lovely family from his show after they betrayed him by going on Jimmy Kimmel. New Kids on the Block are going to sing on cruise ships out of Fort Lauderdale, with one of the guys saying, “Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing.” That’s like roasting children on a spit and saying, “Satan tells us this is a mitzvah.” Kate Moss looks a little pudgy and perhaps is with child? Naomi Campbell has reached a settlement with the maid she allegedly hit, called a “bad Romanian,” and told, “You are not in the Third World anymore, stupid!” Naomi, are you sure Romania is really in the Third World? Natalie Dylan, the 22-year-old who’s selling her virginity online, says she really wants to lose it to Kim Kardashian. But, when you really stop and think about it, is that technically possible?

Mickey Rourke and “fame-craving Bai Ling,” the actress, supposedly “made out and partied pretty hard” at Chateau Marmont the other night. (You mean as hard as in that bathroom-in-the-bar scene in The Wrestler?!) Also, Mickey kind of says we’ve all been too hard on Dubya. Rich-girl girlfriends Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel are still going to Sundance together even though Casey just beat up Courtenay and set her hair on fire. That was Robert Redford’s vision: that Sundance would bring us all back together.

Lourdes Just Couldn’t Take the Fighting Anymore