A New York intern — we’ll call her Jane Blonde — was on vacation in the Bahamas this weekend [Ed: We know, we hate her] with some friends from college when, suddenly, they found themselves face-to-orange-face with none other than A-Roid and his lusty ladies! Because she is an intern, we made her tell us everything, then sent her back to her cube to fact-check some New York Weddings stuff. After the jump, read Jane’s timeline of how, in one magic night, she was transformed from an Intern into a Celebrity Entourage Hanger-On to a Tabloid Superstar!
10 p.m. We enter Atlantis. “A-Rod is here!” someone whispers. Or maybe they didn’t whisper it. You could just tell someone was famous in the room because of the way everyone was acting. Not knowing that he has been all over the news (we were on vacation too), we are not surprised that he has jetted off to the Bahamas for the weekend — isn’t that what athletes with inflated salaries do with their time?
10:15 p.m. As we proceed from the bar to the casino floor, we notice that all the major news stations start breaking news about A-Rod’s confessing to steroid use. Awkward!
10:20 p.m. We hit the casino floor, where our guy friends are playing poker at a blackjack table nearby. A-Rod is seated at the edge of the table, alone. He is intently focused on the game. Clearly, he needs some good luck.
10:45 p.m. Eventually, we proceed upstairs to Aura, the club inside the casino. Our friends have scored a table — which happens to be right next to the corner booth where A-Rod is sitting! We wonder if, at this point, he feels like he knows us well enough to say hi? Glance at him expectantly, waiting for him to break into giant white grin that says, “Don’t I know you from twenty minutes ago?” Alas. He is typing on his BlackBerry. To whom? His wife or Madonna? He is a man of contradictions.
11 p.m. He introduces himself. “I’m Alex,” he says, and we die. The security guard then ropes off his table. But we are in!
11:05 p.m. Oh, but only for a moment. Two women, a blonde and a brunette, sashay over and proceed to bump us out of the immediate vicinity of A-Rod … but not far enough.
11:30 p.m. Make small talk with “blonde bombshell,” as his attention is clearly focused on the brunette at this point (see picture). She is 19, and from Virginia Beach. “What brings you to the Bahamas?” we ask, innocently. “We’re here for Alex,” she says. “He’s going through a really hard time right now.”
11:45 p.m.: After we exhaust all possible topics of conversation, a moment of uncomfortable silence ensues as we simultaneously realize we are from two different worlds. She is part of a celebrity’s entourage. We, however, are merely hangers-on of that entourage.
12:02 a.m.: Madonna’s “Hung Up” blasts over the speakers.
We look pointedly at “Alex” and whisper to our new friend, “This must be awkward.” She smirks and nods her head in agreement. We’re bonding!
12:05 a.m.: Wanting to play second fiddle no more, she gets up to redirect A-Rod’s attention. She snags the brunette and performs a girl-on-girl dance duet involving lots of intertwined legs and shimmying. A-Rod, slouched in the banquette, looks semi-amused, insofar as his face will allow it.
12:05 to 1:40 a.m. : Continued dancing.
1:40 to 1:52 a.m.: Three-way canoodling.
2 a.m.: The three of them depart together, neglecting to say good-bye. Decide they were just caught up in romance.
Today: Am tabloid superstar!