The John Edwards affair story is officially back. Yesterday, the National Enquirer reported that Edwards has admitted to his wife that he fathered Rielle Hunter’s baby despite his earlier denials, which nobody believed. Is the Enquirer right? Who knows? They did nail all that other stuff about Edwards, so maybe we should just give them the benefit of the doubt. But why doubt at all when we can settle the whole matter for good using state-of-the-art science? That’s right, we’re of course referring to Volkswagen’s RoutanBabymaker3000, a marketing gimmick that also happens to be the best offspring-prediction technology we have access to. All we need to do is plug in the photos of Hunter and Edwards, let the program do its thing, and compare the computer-simulated child to a photo of Hunter’s baby at a similar age. Luckily, it so happens that today Fox News is showing off a photo of Frances Quinn Hunter on her first birthday. So, do we have a match?
AAHH! Well, unless the RoutanBabymaker3000 isn’t 100 percent accurate at predicting what the offspring of two people will look like based on randomly selected photographs — which we highly doubt — then John Edwards is definitely not the father of Rielle Hunter’s child. Case closed.