According to some study dreamed up by Combos, the delicious snack that is actually fashioned in the form of a clogged artery just so that you know what you’re getting into, New York is at the very bottom of a list of the top 50 Most Manly Cities in America. We even lost out to L.A., which is the only city that keeps the Dep hair-gel industry afloat! Okay, so we get the joke, it’s hilarious for other parts of the country to tease how swishy we are: Pace Picante’s entire marketing campaign was based on the premise for a long time. But enough is enough. Let’s set this matter straight for once and for all. New Yorkers are manly!
Who better to explain this than a skinny gay man wearing a cardigan whose only dream in the world is for his boyfriend to let him have a puppy? Here we go:
1. We’ve managed to make the symbol of our city a busty lady wearing only a sheet, waiting to welcome all comers. That’s less manly than what Seattle and Washington, D.C., have going?
2. Texas couldn’t handle Sean Avery, so they sent him back.
3. Brett Favre gave up a farm in Green Bay for us.
4. Even our nemesis, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, lives here! With Gisele, the hottest woman in the entire world. I’m told.
5. In fact, we have more professional sports teams in the New York metropolitan area than any other metropolitan area in the country. And we even love the ones that suck.
6. You non–New Yorkers might be surprised to learn that we actually drink lots of PBR, and wear plenty of flannel, trucker hats, wifebeaters, cowboy boots, and Carharts, too. Just, um, differently.
7. Men’s Health editor Dave Zinczenko lives here. Wait, can I take that one back?
8. Heroic men land planes on our rivers.
9. Rivers that men also fish in. A lot. Really, it’s gross.
10. Practically every awesome poppy hip-hop star who doesn’t beat up his girlfriend lives here.
11. We also do fried food, BBQ, and bacon products more abundantly and perhaps even better than any other single city. There, we said it. Our old Grub Street editor Josh Ozersky recently ate so much of it, in fact, that he got gout. That’s the Disease of Kings.
12. The very map of our city looks like a dong. A big one.
13. Chelsea, our gayborhood, is filled with dudes who could kick any potbellied NASCAR slouch’s ass.
14. Though they would never kick the ass of the dashing NASCAR hero Jeff Gordon, who lives here part-time, bitches.
15. One of the “qualifications” on this list is whether or not a city has “drag racing.” The pollsters would argue that New York does not. We would argue that the pollsters have never been standing on East 2nd Street between First and Second Avenues when Lucky Cheng’s closes and the Cock just starts getting going.
16. We have really, really hot firemen. Who slide down poles. And save lives in slippery, sweaty rubber outfits. And run into burning buildings. Which are hot.
I guess what I kind of mean is, being gay can be manly too. And if that’s the case, then we’ve got all our bases covered. Nashville, you may wear more flannel, but ours fits.