Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Fabulous Freelancer With a Singleness Problem, 26, male, Jersey City, gay, single.
DAY ONE
9:15 a.m.: Run into Dunkin’ Donuts. There’s a hot papi on line behind me in a tight tank top. Want to say, “As long as you’re behind me and there’s a counter in front of me … ” figure it’s a little inappropriate. I go with “Hi.”
11:30 a.m.: Friend calls. Listen to her man problems. I wonder why she’s had four boyfriends in the past month and I’ve had none. I’ve been single for about three years now, because my therapist says I have a hard time letting go. There’s more drama in my life than on Broadway. I guess you could say I’m looking for the right co-star.
12:15 p.m.: E-mailing ex-boyfriend at work. Thinking about how hot the sex used to be.
2:20 p.m.: Slightly bored and sexually frustrated. Decide to enjoy some self-lovin’.
4:15 p.m.: Still thinking about sex with ex-boyfriend.
5:30 p.m.: Ex calls and we talk for about an hour. Decide to hang out tonight. It’s no mystery why I’m still single.
11:40 p.m.: Just got home from hanging out with the ex. Bad decision No.1, hanging out with your ex. Bad decision No. 2, drinking a lot and hanging out with your ex.
12:30 a.m.: Sign online and flirt with a friend of mine that thinks of me as a brother. Good times.
DAY TWO
9:45 a.m.: Went to bed last night wearing clothes, but somehow woke up naked AND ALONE. Something tells me today is off to a rocky start.
11:30 a.m.: Head to BJ’s Wholesale Club with a friend and think about getting a b.j.
3:45 p.m.: Start texting an interest of mine who is currently involved with someone else. Get annoyed that he’s not hanging out with me.
3:46 p.m.: Decide to call and bitch about how I’m annoyed that he’s not hanging out with me.
5:15 p.m.: Have erotic thoughts about him. Entertain self.
6:44 p.m.: The interest and I hang out. Ex-boyfriend tags along. Again, no mystery why I’m single.
DAY THREE
10:15 a.m.: Make a mental list of relationship issues to discuss in therapy today. I’m thinking an hour isn’t going to cut it.
1:30 p.m.: Discuss relationship issues with my therapist. We go over why I can’t let go of my ex and why I gravitate toward men that are unattainable. I wonder if my therapist is a top or a bottom.
2:30 p.m.: Leave therapy feeling a little bummed, but luckily there is a liquor store a block away.
5:50 p.m.: Decide to cook dinner. The only thing to eat is leftover weenies from a BBQ. Enough said.
DAY FOUR
9:51 a.m.: Client calls and gives me a new assignment. I open the drawer to grab a pen and see condoms I bought seven months ago. Sealed and unopened. Grrr.
11:30 a.m.: Job interview. I wonder if the guy who’s interviewing me is gay. I can’t tell. Wedding bands aren’t really good indicators today.
2:29 p.m.: I’m supposed to be working on my new assignment, but decide to read a message from the online dating site I recently joined. It begins, “Hey cutie.” That’s original.
2:31 p.m.: I check out the dude’s profile. It says he’s 52, married, has two kids, isn’t gay, but up for gay sex. Hmmm.
2:35 p.m.: Crack open a bottle of wine.
DAY FIVE
10:33 a.m.: A friend calls me. She thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her.
11 a.m.: We decide to go on a stalking mission.
3 p.m.: We go to a movie, then swear off men forever.
6:15 p.m.: We decide we are not swearing off men anymore.
10 p.m.: Ex-boyfriend calls and I backtrack. Swearing off men.
10:15 p.m.: I decide that I’m just going to swear. #%!&^!%
DAY SIX
9:15 a.m.: I start working on my weekly blog. Today’s topic is … drumroll please … relationships. It’s all about how I don’t have any relationship escrow.
2:25 p.m.: I talk to the interest and ponder what I really find interesting about him.
4:01 p.m.: I talk to ex-boyfriend while I check my online dating profile. I contemplate selling my life story to ABC. I think I’d make a good soap opera.
7:30 p.m.: Me and some friends grab dinner. The amazingly hot waiter definitely got a good tip. I think he was straight, though.
DAY SEVEN
10:07 a.m.: I wake up slightly depressed and begin working. I look in the mirror to see that I somehow turned into Sarah Jessica Parker overnight.
1:15 p.m.: I decide to accept a dinner invitation from a friend who is going through a breakup.
1:37 p.m.: A friend sends me a link to a porn site and my curiosity gets the best of me.
1:40 p.m.: As I watch the porn, I can’t help but wonder if meaningless fucking is better than the emotional strain of relationships. I feel like I should start looking behind furniture for the hidden cameras. Somebody is having a good laugh, and it ain’t me.
TOTALS: Three acts of masturbation; zero acts of intercourse; zero dates; three phone calls with ex-boyfriend; two hang-outs with ex-boyfriend; two phone calls with interest who is dating someone else; one hang-out with interest who is dating someone else.
